SPINDRIFT.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 16985, 8 March 1923, Page 6

SPINDRIFT.

Readers are invited to send in original topical paragraphs or verses for this column, which is a daily feature of the " Star. - ’ Accepted contributions should he cut out by the writers aud forwarded to the Editor, who will remit the amounts payable. It has been suspected for a Iona; time, but it was left for the Sydney “ Sun ” to say it in the following headings. which appeared above the last M O.C. match TITCHMARSH INJURED. SUCCESS OF FAST BOWLER SCOTT. “ I know that such youthful drivers are not passed for their certificates by tlie inspector. They are allowed to drive cars owned by their parents.”— Visitor’s impressions of our motor trn ffi c. His coat is greasy leather. And his cap is worse for wear. He loaves a smell of crude oil Behind him in the air. His face is black and grimy With the oil that on it lies, And n. pair of dusty goggles Hide his wide and' rolling eves He’s always in a hurry And he only lives to go. And the man in blue on point work He accounts his deadly foe. And he’s only feeling happy When he grips the steering spar. For lie’s the youthful driver Of his father’s motor-car. AN ESSAY ON FOOLS. They say there is a fool born overv minute, and I often think about these brothers of mine. Every sixty seconds a fool arrives, every sixtieth of an hour J get another brother or sister. We. like the poets, are born, not made. One a minute means 1440 a day. or 536,600 a year. Allowing that 500,000 survive to the average age of thirty-five, then there must bp in this world seventeen million of us. The majority are. of course, men We will say that seven million are women, and ten millions are male fools. Ten million 1 rotliers have I.

Still it i.i a comforting thought to me. that allowing wo are evenly distributed over the globe, we have only a thousand in New Zealand, and only eighty in Christehuren Sometimes I wander up to CracroFt Hill, and look down on our city, and think of us. Four score of us try to please our wives, believe that virtue is rewarded, and think there may lie a shaving soap that really softens a beard. We believe that Massey wishes to remain in power to save the country from Bolshevism: w e think a concert hall would pay: that a lucky mau can make money going to the races; that the cost of living is falling: that the C.L.T.A. have done a lot for tennis. All things are possible to us, even that there could be a truthful golfer, a good lawn mower, or a doctor that confessed a mistake. We believe wo would be happier if we had plenty of money, and a motor-car. and did not have to work. We are the foolish. Sometimes I think the distribution is not quite even. It sometimes seems that Christchurch has got a lot more of us than its share. HOW TO BEHAVE IN THE STREET.

1. ,£o not eat oranges when walking down the street. These give people the pip. It is permissible occasionally to chew spearmint, as this exercises the muscles of the mouth. If “ pulled ” further information from small brothers—it will greatly increase in flavour and size. It is not advisable to speak while chewing, but in the best circles it is considered necessary to open the mouth and chew as loudly as possible. Smacking the lips is also a good point. 2. When rushing to the office, ignore ali obstacles. Tread on as many corns as possible—this applies particularly o frosty mornings. Gouty or dyspeptic individuals should be treated as roughl? as possible. No apologies should be offered. These, if taken seriously, soothe the injured feelings. This must be avoided at all costs. 3. Speaking loudly This is not done. It is bad form. To attract attention, slip on a banana skin arid break your leg. This is a sure method of drawing a crowd. 4. Do not let the conversation flag. Let the silvery words flow on. When walking with strangers, point out all the beauty spots, such as the Destructor and the hoardings. Places of interest, such as the Safety Zone (popular resting resort and health sanatorium), should be shown. 5. If you are a gentleman, take the gutter side. Remember that a lady has to look in every window. Also if a nor’ wester 'blows playfully along your hat is sure to fall in the water. The result is most pleasing. 6. When recognising a lady Friend, lift your hat if your hair is thick. This lets “ the summer breeze ” blow “lightly” through your curls- If bald, avert the eyes, and pass on. 7. When crossing the gutter, do nos put your foot in the water. Otherwise you may get wet. Most Christchurch water is that- way. 8. When hurrying to catch a tram, take short, painful steps and breathe heavily. This amuses the passers-by. 9. Last, but not least, if you are on the left, keep to the left! If you are on the right, keep to the right. The best circles permit a monopoly of tlio sidewalk, but under no circumstances must you stagger giddily from side ■‘■o side. This arouses suspicion, and is a bad habit to get into.

When Peter .Smith, post office em ployee, died from shock following on the second “cut” in salary’, he ultimately’ found himself before the Golden Gate, answering questions put to him by St Peter. After satisfying the questioner as to his name, nationality, good and bad acts, etc., he was asked his occupation. “I was a Civil Servant in New Zealand when Massey was Premier,” he spluttered. “Come right in.” said St Peter heartily; “you have had your hell on Tt is denied that Mr Massey has offered to write a series of articles entitled. “The True Story of My Political Career.” for the “ Maoriland Worker ” for the sum of £40.000. JOURNALISTIC PORTRAITS. The Football Hero: He is of medium height, t-all, aud inclined to be short. He has reddish brown, wavy, light black hair and blue eyes like coaU. He is a lightning thinker, dacidedly sluggish aud. fleet as a deer, he is slow and deliberate, in his movements. Off the field he is studious and abhors books and classes. The Novelist: He depends entirely upon his imagination and draws all his characters from life. He is happily married to the sweetheart of his childhood and is living apart from hip fourth wife, and prefers to remain single. He works from midnight until dawn, writing most of his successful books comfortably in a downtown office in the davrime. He works standing in a comfortable reclining position, dictat ing to a stenographer and writing everything with a lead pencil. Tie is very snappish when composing and is so affable that &«-• Itkes to have people talking to him, SINK AD