Fun and Fancy.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 16923, 23 December 1922, Page 15

Fun and Fancy.

The Club Joker: “Hullo, old man T>o you know tlve latest thing in collars?” The Other: “No. what is it?” Joker : “Necks.”

Little Girl: “ Grandpa, what makes a man always giro a woman a diamond engagement ring?” Grandfather : “The wo mm.”

Father; “ AVhy is it that you are always at the bottom of the class?” Johnny : “It doesn’t make any difference. daddy ; teach the .same thing at both ends.” Conceited Young Man : “T wonder why tint girl over there looks at me su much?” Sarcastic Young Lady: “ She has weak eyes, and the doctor tolu her to relieve them by looking at something green!”

Giles: “Take two letters from ‘ money.' ar.d one is left.” .Milos: “Is that a joko?” •• \ es. verily.” “ V/eil. I know of a fellow' who took money from two letters.” “ That’s a good joke.” “Not it; he got twelve months!” The Barber (lathering customer) . He that shaves himself at home keeps the bread and butter out of some poor barber’s mouth.” Customer (fiercely): • And, incidentally, the lather out of l:i„ own !” Hutchings was telling his friend that lc would derive much henefit by drinking some hot water the first thing every morning. “ I do have some hot water it err morning.” was the reply, “ but my landlady calls it tea.” “ Give me a chicken, please,” said 1 h-> young girl. “ Did you want a pullet?” asked the assistant. “ No, I’ll carry it, of course,” was the annoyed reply. Lucky Suitor: “ And how does dear Judith like the ring I gave her?” Edith’s Little Brother: “ I fink it’s a bit tight, ’cos she finds it very hard to get off when the uvver young men call.” First Lady: “ Yer lookin’ ’appy today, ’Melia.” Second Lady : “ Yusl My old man backed a couple of winners yesterday, strito ’© did; in a sweepstake. Spotted ’em both.” The canary had ceased its warbling. Just occasionally it would chirp spasmodically. Thon all at once it decided to sing, and burst into melody. “Listen. mother,” cried little Tommy, “the hi id’s put on a new record.” Chugsby: “I’ve just bought a new fix-cylinder. By the way, what’s jours?” Dauber: “ A whisky and &cda!” They met. They felt they had knowu each other for thousands of years They married. Then they were sure of “ Flow is your new man a’gettin' on:-’’ “Well” said the farmer, “he b.r.ko two handles yesterday!” “ AYorkin’ so hard?” “ No, loanin’ o-i ’em.” “ Wot was you chaps laughin’ at so 7 •uch w hen 1 passed the yard last night?” “ Why, old Luke stepped backwards and sat on the watchman’s fire.’’ “1 see I A case of Luke warm, ch ?” Brown : “ There is one class of men win must invariably have 4 their glass ’ before they can do their work successiullv.” Temperance Friend: “ Indeed, I should not think so. Who are they?” JJrc.vn • “ Tli»y are glaziers!”

Nurse 'excitedly): “Ch. doctor, I h >; in i given the patient a teaspoon--1 ul of ink by mistake. AA’hat shall I do ?” Doctor (calmly) : “ Give him a blot-ting-pad to eat at once.” * Thump-ruttlety-bang!” went the pi:-no. “ What arc you trying to play, Jane?” called out her father from the i*c*xt room. “ It’s an exercise front my :m v. instruction book. ‘ First Steps in Music,’ ” she answered. “Well. I knew you were playing with jour feet.” he >aid grimly : “ but don’t step so heavily on the keys— it disturbs my thoughts.” Guest: “Look here, waiter. That portion of chicken you served to me was not one-third the size of the pori:ou you just gave to that fat man oi cr there. I’m going to make a complaint. Where’s the manager?” Uniter (indicating fat party in the tcreground: “That’s him, sir.” Sunday School Teacher: “ And the father of the prodigal son fell on his reck and wept. Now, why did he i eep?” Tommy Tuffnut : “Huh! 1 guess xou’d weep too if you fell on your neck.” She: “ What is meant by the pipe ot peace?” He: “ T can’t imagine: Never smoked a pip** in the house yet but my wife made a fuss over it.” AVillie : “Pa, teacher says we are bore to help others.” Pa: “Of course we ;.re.” AA'illic : “ Well, what are the others here for?” Dentist: “ When did your teeth first begin troubling you?” Patient: “ When 1 was cutting them.” Little Girl (returning from party, and seated next to gentleman w ho had sampled some pre-war vintage): “Oh what a lovely smell oi trifle!”

| Smith (very cross’! : “ Throw- that cabj l age away, do.” Brown: 41 Look hero! j 1 don’t often give half a crown for a * cigar, but when I do—” Smith: “ Vou ge t two shillings change !’ Afrs Hawkins: “ They tell me your ’urband’s locked up. Mrs Rope, an’ there’s a woman in the case, I’m informed.” Mrs Hope: “A woman?” Mrs Hawkins: “ Yes. they' say ’e is charged with Miss Demeanour.” Vicar: “ You must not neglect their education. Airs Higgins. AVliy, I had to pinch severely' to send my boys to school.” Airs Higgins: “Ah, sir. tut niy husband is too feared o’ the iaw to do anything like that.” Afr Roberts: “ Five hundred elephant* are needed every year for making billiard balls.” Aunt Jane: “ Howstrange that people can teach such big beasts to do such delicate work.” Fond A lot her (at children’s outflters): “ Is this baby’s bonnet well made?” Saleslady: "AA'ell made, madam! It will last your baby a lifetime.” “ That flour you sens me yesterday was very tough. Air Sardinian ” “Tough, madam?” “ A"es : my husland simply couldn’t get his teeth into the pastry I made with it!” Wife: “In this place I’m reading about a wife can he bought for twelve shillings. Isn’t it perfectly awful?” Hubby: “Oh. I don’t know. 7 suppose prices are high there, just the same as in other countries.” The Doctor: “ You say your little be y lias an abnormal appetite. In what vav is it manifested?” The Mother: ’ He’s lost all desire for things that make him sick.” First Cynic: “ Women are crazy about clothes.” Second Cynic: “So they say.” First Cynic: “Well, then, why don’t they wear more of them?” “ Grigsby called me a liar yesterday, and I told him that for twopence I’d whip him.” “ Did lie give you the money?” “No; he had notHmg but a stamp, and I never take stamps.” Aleg: “You give your husband a necktie every birthday?” Alag : “ A’cs ; it’s a .splendidly economical scheme, because the poor dear never wears it. and doesn’t dream that I give him the same tie year after year.”

“ What bothers me.” said an American prisoner, “ is the thought of a long trial, and weary months in gaol!” “Don’t let that disturb you,” replied the high sheriff. “I’vc just got word that they’re coming to lynch you at twelve o’clock sharp!” Bachelor: “Is there hot water in your house?” Married Alan (gloomily); “ There is, and I’m always in it.” Professor: “Wake that fellow next to you, will you?” Student; “ Oh, do it yourself; you put him to sleep.” * Boy: 4 This is a good place, for fish.” Angler- “ AS lint can you catch here?” Boy: “It don’t know; but it. must ho a good place for fish because I’vc never seen any of them leave it.” Chatter: “What’s this I hear about Hunter neglecting his business to run «*fter a gay young widow?” Batter: Nothing in it! Hunter’s business hs tc make money, and she has cartloads Visitor (in early morning, after weekend. to chauffeur): “ Don’t lot me miss my train. Chauffeur: “ No danger, sir. The mistress told me it would cost me my job if 1 did.” “Will you give* me a character?” asked the lazy one. The employer sat ciown to write a non-committal letter. His effort resulted ns Inflows: “Tin? bearer of this letter has worked for me one week, and 1 am satisfied.” How d«» you find the food at vour f onrding-hmi.-o?” “ Fairly easily now. » bought new glasses just before I came on my holidays.” “ Come now.” said the stern housewife. •• the wages you ask ar« riclimili whigh. You admit yourself that you arc a t ook who has had very littlo opei'ience.” “ That’s just it. ma’am.” vas tlie answer. “Think how hard it’s going to be lor me to cook your food properly.” “ The pleasure of having cured myself of insomnia.” remarked the heavycvecl man, “is so great that ! lie awake all night thinking about it ” Customer (studying hill of faro) . Waiter, F have only 7”A< 1 ; tell me what you recommend.” Waiter; “Another restaurant.” “ My poor little man. whatever are .von crying so bitterly for?” “ Bcolioo ! I’ve been playing truant- all day, and now I. find we’ve been having a holiday!” Father: “You can’t have him!” Daughter: “Oh. papa, you onee said you could give me nothing!” Father. ’• AA’dl. he comes as near being ‘ nothing’ as anything I know of.” AA by do you wear that ridiculous hat?” lie growled. “Do you really think it ridiculous?” she replied grrei ouslj . “ How lovely cf you. T was aftaid it wasn’t quite the style.” May (being shown some of Airs Smith’s treasures): “ And do you prize, this funny piece of lead?” Mrs Smith: “Bless you. child. I prize that ’ere piece o’ lead above all my earthly possessions. That’s the bullet which killed my pore husband!’’ He was an applicant for a position as tramcar conductor. “ AA’hat are your qualifications for the place?” asked the superintendent. “ ! used to work in a sardine-packing establishment.” • t “ Professor.” said a senior, trying to he pathetic at parting. “ T am indebted to you for all I know.” “ Pray don’t mention such a trifle !” was the reply.