SPINDRIFT.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 16847, 25 September 1922, Page 6

SPINDRIFT.

headers are invited to send in original i'»p?cal paragraphs or verses for this cdumn, which is a daily feature of the *' Star.” Accepted contributions should be cut out by the writers and forwarded to the Editor, who will remit the amounts payable. A section of Pussyfoot’s audience at Eyttelton on Saturday gave cheers for Horatio Bottomley, who is doing seven years in gaol for wholesale fraud. Indicating their opinion. I presume, that Horatio is the right man in the right place. CHANGING SCENE. Mrs Motorist : Why don't you ask sc me one where we are? Mr Motorist: What the deuce difference would it make? Five minutes from now we won’t be anywhere near here. ik You are dry. Pussyfoot.” the young “ And your yarn you have learned otf by rote. To get at your game I’ve earnestly tried, But honest, you’ve fair got ray <• Years ago. 5 ' Father Pussyfoot replied to the lad, “I used water to build up my brain. I ve done very well, there’s more to be had. So I’ll drink it again and again."

“ You arc dry,” said the youth, 1 ‘ and a glass of Speight’?- beer Would do you a foal power of good ; Yet you go on a-dr inking of ton. and such gear— You might its well stoke up oil wood.” *■ Iu my youth.” said .Pussyfoot, with a. yawn. “The word 'beer 4 was offensive to A diet of pickles. cold pork and brawn Went well with a nice cup of tea.” “ That’s all very well,” said the youth, very grim, 4 ‘ Rut why should you force me to do it ? You eat what you like, it keeps you in trim, But I want some beer in the cruet.” j ‘-Be off!” 5 aid Pussyfoot, “ you’re hopeless, I see: ; You want to be put down by might, i You’ve nothing to dc with your old | li her tee. j You’ll drink what I sav is all right.” | Publicity Agent (compiling views of well-known boxer) : Wliat do you think of Bill Massey? Well-known Boxer: Yer can tell the public I hates the sight of him. and I’m proud to say I’ve never seen him. TO MOLLY. If I were a duke or a count, my deai - , with, a couple oi million pounds a year, you'd be lighting your iugb from a diamond case, and the butler would bow and address you, “lour (Trace 5 ’—if 1 were the l>u_ice of Kiakaha and yon were the girl you arc. If I were a pirate, a bold buccaneer, I’d burn down the city and with, you I’d clear, with a cargo of loot and a skinful of rum, and the ship “ Gentle Annie ” would hit ’er up some —if I were the terror of seas near and far and you were the girl you are. If I had a trim little aeroplane., I’d take you aloft and never again, would we bother to land on this silly old earth—wo’d move all the planets and moons to mirth—if 1 could but hitch the old ’bus to a etar and you were the girl you are. If I were a strawberry ice, my dear, when you were about my best I’d appear, :rnd when you consumed me in sweet little sips I’d linger as long as I could on your bps—if J were the pride of the marble bar and you were the girl you are. P.S.—-If I were a joker w'orth more than a sneeze, I wouldn't write you dines like these—l’d throw my pencil and paper away and give you no peace till you named a dfiy—if I could but push myself up to par and you were the girl you ar&i Glancing over some of my children s schoolbooks the other day I was struck by the dry and uninteresting way in which the facts were presented. Being naturally of a helpful (some people sav interfering) disposition, I at once set about re-writing some of the facts in the geography book, and I present them herewith as examples of how information should be sugar-coated for easy assimilation : The world is composed of land and water. The land is really dirt, which i 6 the best substance so far discovered for making worlds, its chief drawback being that it gets on one’s hands and face and necessitates frequent washings. Water makes the seas upon which ships sail from one laud to another. It can also be used as a beverage, and if mixed with whisky, or in the case of children with fruit essence, it is not unpalatable. The world revolves on its axis at an enormous rapidity, which accounts for the giddiness of its inhabitants. Gentlemen returning from their clubs after midnight have found this rotary motion distinctly noticeable. Continents are the largest tracts of land into which the world is divided. There are five of them, and the chief point of interest is that in every case the initial the same as the terminal one. Islands are pieces of land entirely surrounded by water. In early days they were principally used for hiding pirates’ treasures; then it was discovered that they were quite good for living on. Now they mostly- belong to the various film companies and are used as the scene of movie plays. The British .Empire is all that portion of the earth which is coloured red on the map. It will be noted that when the Briton sets out to paint things red he makes a thorough job of it. London is the largest town in the world. During the nineteenth century it was captured by the Scotch, who still hold most of the lucrative positions in the city. Ireland is shaped like a tomato which has been trodden on: hence it is called the downtrodden country. It is famous for the manufacture of bulls, which are exported to all parts of the world and used by the comic papers. These must not be confused with papal bulls and other varieties made on the Continent. Chief recreations: Rebellions, fights, religions and ambushes. Scotland is the only European country which has never been conquered. Alexander evidently did not consider it worth having. Chief products: Whisky, bagpipes, haggises, and dialect novels. Chief recreations: Golf and religion. Germany, before the war, was noted for the manufacture of Irish linen, Russian leather, Maltese lace, Indian carpets and Jap silk. Since the war she is so busy making excuses that she has very- little time for making anything else. The conversation you think you hear when running after a. tram: Conductor: Shove it along, Bert, he’s gainin’ <rn us! SINBAD.