Fun and Fancy.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 16846, 23 September 1922, Page 4

Fun and Fancy.

She: “'Why do people have to keep so quiet when they go fishing?’ 7 He: “ Because to catch any tiling one must fish with bated breath.” Vicar: “ But can’t you and vonr husband Hve happily together without fightingrl' Mi’s ’Arris: “No. not ’appily.” Medical Expert: “ When the eyes are shut, the hearing becomes more acute."’ Jones: “I have noticed people trying this experiment in church.” Judge: “You are accused of driving your car to the public danger. What have you to gav in your defence? Prisoner : “I heard of a house to let. and was trying to get there first.” ‘ ‘ The case is dismissed.” She (petulantly) : “ Jack, you make love like an amateur.” He: “That’s where the art comes in.” The Shoe (to the stocking): “ I’ll rub a hole in you.” The Stocking (to the shoe) : “I’ll be darned if you do.” “ This is our latest novelty.” said the manufacturer proudly. “ Good, isn’t it?” “Not bad,” replied the visitor; “but you can’t hold a candle to the goods we make.” “ Oh.! Are you in the same business?” “No; we make gunpowder.” “No. Harry, T am sorry: but I am sure that we could not he happy together. You know I always want my own way in everything.” “ Bat, my dear girl, you could g<» on wanting it, you know, after vre were married.”

“ Don’t step on to this ’ere ladder when yer comes down, ’cos I’ve taken it away.” Said the judge to a blustering prisoner on trial: “ We want nothing from you, sir, but silence—and very little of that.” “I counted.” said counsel for the defence, “ that a tomato, however well aimed, could not have caused a black eye.” “ But it was in a tin, sir,” replied the witness.. Micke: “We have been married ten years without an argument.” Stronge : “ That’s right. Always let her have her own way. Don’t argue.” Tom: “ Between the two of us, what do you think of her?” Jeirv : “ Not so good. But alone—l’d love her.” Landlady: Did you ring?” Boarder: “So 6orry to trouble. Can 1 have a little more hot water? I unforcu- : nately dropped my sponge in the batli , and soaked it all up.” -V | V ife: “ The doctor tells me that ! \ need a change of climate.” Husband : ! “ You’ll get it. The barometer is falling.” Hill: “ When is your daughter thinking of getting married?” Dill: “Constantly.” She: “He always was a bad egg, but nobody seemed to notice it while he was rich.” He: “ Yes, he was all right until he was broke.” Neighbour: “Divorces are practically unknown in Sweden.” Frankly: “Perfectly natural in the land of safety matches.” First Stranger: “I say, that’s my umbrella you have.” Second Stranger: “I don’t doubt it, sir; I bought it at a pawnshop.” ” I hear you are working in a shirt factory now.” “ Yob.” “ Why aren’t you working to-day?” “Oh, we are making night shirts this week.” Mother: “Sam, you’ve been fighting again ! You’ve lost four front teeth.” Sam (taking a small package from his pocket): “No, I ain’t, mother. Here they are I” Little Polly (entertaining big sister’s sweetheart): “ Oh, Mr Greene, guess what father said about you last night!” Mr Greene : 94 I haven’t an idea in the world/* PoJly= “Oh, for shame! You listened ! M The touriat at the inn asked for some poached eggs. “We have no eggs, sir,” said the gid, “but I could get you some poached salmon.” Clerk : “ So you wish to open a joint account with your husband. Current or deposit?” She: “Oh, deposit for him—drawing for me.” Passer-by (to little boy armed with ~ gun): “What are you-hunting for?” Little Boy: “I dunno. I ain’t seen .. it. vet.” #

Lodger: “ I detect rather a disagreeable smell in the house. Mrs Brown. Are you sure the drains are all right?” Laudlady : “ Oh, it can’t be the drains, sir. There ain’t none.” * < Hogge: “ I like people to be neat. . Y’ou can always spot an untidy man by his clothes.” Hill: “In fact, lie spots himself.” Diner: “ I say, waiter, how long is that steak eoing to be?” Waiter: “ About two inches sir.” First Business Man; “I hear your new manager’s a hustled Second Business Alan : “ Yes. thank goodness. He hasn’t got time to grumble.” A happy man indeed is he, Whose face can show a grin Upon the first day of the month When all the bills come in. . Bill: *‘ Do yop know of anyone who has a horse- for sale? ’’ Sam (grinning) : “Yes; I believe Bob has. I sold him one yesterday.” She (sharply) : “I trust you’re com- ■ ing Home to-night promptly at nine o’clock.” He (hesitatingly): “I ltad thought about ten ” She (interrupting very sharplv) : “ Wha.t did you say? ” He (quickly) : “ About ten minutes to nine.” Judge : “ Officer, lxnv did you know this man was really intoxicated?” Policeman: “ Because, your honour, I saw he was full of alcoholic content.” Tapper: “Those people never read a newspaper from one year’s end to the other.” Flapper: “ That doesn’t matter; they’ve engaged a maid who’s lived with about every other family in the neighbourhood ” She: “Isn’t it romantic sitting out here l>y the mellow light- of the moon? ” He: “ Yes. and besides, ■your father cawit kick about his gas bill.” " Now my son.” said thel conscientious father “tell me why T punished you.” “ That’s it,” blubbered the boy, indignantly. “ First you pound the daylight out of me. and now you don’t know why you clone it-.” He (boasting): “There was once a time when I rode in my own carriage.” She: “ Y'es; and your mother pushed “ Ralph,” said the minister to his small son, “ I trust you will not misbehave in church this morning, as yon did last Sunday. Such conduct is verv mortifying to me.” “ But,” rejoined the persevering youngster, “ don’t you teach people to mortify the flesh? ”

Customer: “Look here, waiter, I’ve found a button in this salad.” Waiter: “That’s all right, sir; it’s part of the dressing.” The teacher in an East End schoolroom had been telling the class about the four seasons. Then she began her questioning. “ How many seasons have weP” she asked Rachel. “ Two, Miss, ’ replied the little girl from an East End pawnshop, “ slack and busy.” Jackson : “I never know what to do when I call on a sick friend.” Johnson : *• Well, it’s always as well to remember not to look surprised because he is still alive.” The Boss: “I’m afraid you are not qualified for the position ; you don’t know anything about my business.” Applicant: “Don’t I. though!! I am engaged to your typist.” Hubby (shaving): “Confound the razor!” Wife: “What’s the matter? You’re dreadfully bad-tempered!” Hubby: “ The razor is so abominably dull.” Wife: “Dull? Why, I opened a sardine tin wjth it yesterday, and it out beautifully.” Subscriber: “ The articles in your paper are always very convincing.” Editor : “ I generally acscertain the views of my readers, and then: fall in line as closely as possible. In that way I have ’em convinced before I start/’ “Doctor, I’m sorry-to drag you so far out into the country on such a bad night.” “ Oh, it’s quite all right, because I have another patient near here, so that I can kill two birds with one stone.” Tailor (to mother who is buying a suit for her boy) : “Do you want the shoulders padded?” Little Boy : “No, mamma : tell him to pad the seat of tile