Fun and Fancy.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 16750, 3 June 1922, Page 4

Fun and Fancy.

Jenkins: “ How’s the world treating you?” Jerkins : “ I'-cry seldom, old boy, very seldom.” Student (translating! : “ The er-er-er man er-cr-er then er-er-er - Professor: Don’t laugh, gentlemen ; to err is human.” Hykes: “Troubled with indigestion, eh? Vou should drink n cup of hot water every morivng. ’ Pykcr : ‘“ 1 do : but they call it coffee, at my boardinghouse.” Mapps : ‘ Links had a bad collision yesterday.” Knapps: “ "What was that?” •* He ran into aii old creditor.”

“• Well, what do you think of m\ bathing suit?” she asked. “‘Dear girl,” he replied, “it seems to me to get less and less for your money everyeyear.’ Mrs Good body : “ And how long Were yju n prisoner Beggar: “Five years, ma’am.” Mrs Goodbody : “But the war didn’t last five years. Beggar: “Who’s talking about the war. ma’am ?” Waitress (who had just served Freddie with his seventh cup of coffee : “ \ou must be very i*ond of coffee.’* Freddie: “Yes. indeed: or I wouldn’t be drinking so much water to get a little.” •7ud<re: ‘‘You are sentenced to two months in prison. Hare you anything to fiiiy?’’ Prisoner: “ Yes. your honour. Will you please telephone my wife that I shall not bo home t 6 dinner?” Johnny: “Dad. teacher said somethin’ to day about findin’ the greatest common divisor.” Dad (in disgust): “ Goodness ! Haven’t they found that thing yet? Why. they were huntin’ for it when l was a boy.” Markwick : How are you, old chap?” Hardy: ““Oh. I'm doing pretty well, what, with one foot in the grave and the other in matrimony.” “ Then you’re a lucky fellow to have only two feet !”

Cadger: “ Henr yer workin’, Soaker? Wotcher doin’ Soaker: “ Noth ink.” Cadger : “ Any chance of gettin’ a job at the same place?” Pan don ! “ It’s strange!” Bower : “ What’s strange, Charlie?” “Why, that even a clear profit may be made under a cloud.” Guide: “ Tt took nearly two tlior.sand years to build dis pyramid.” Dear Old Lady: “I can quite believe you. Our workmen at home are just as bad.” Teacher: “ Can any little boy tell me wlhat is meant by ‘ dive<rs diseases’ ?” Harry: “Yes, teacher, I know.” Teacher: “Well. Harry?” Harry’: “Please, teacher, fish bites.” Mistress (a society lady): “ Maggie, T think I’ll take one of the children to church this morning.” Maggie: “ Yes, ma’am.” Mistress: Which one do you think would go best with this dress ?” Poet: ‘' The editor said that my poems were just the kind he- should like to read by the fireside.” Artist: “ Perhaps that’s so as he can throw them in without getting up ” Guile: ‘ ‘ Taylor bet all the money he had in the bank that he would walk a 6laok wire for twenty feet. ’ ’ Quay: 1 ' Did he win or lose ?’ ’ Guile : ‘ He lost, hi£ balance ” Cere us : * e Have you ever noticed in poetry that ‘bliss’ always rhymes with ‘kiss’?” Dobbs: “I have also noticed that ‘ blister ’ rhymes with ‘kissed her. ” “ T won’t wash ray face!” said Mary defiantly. “ -Naughty, naughty. ’ reproved grandmother. “ When T was a little girl I always washed my face.” “ Yes, and now look at it!”

“You don’t mind if I leave my baton, do you?*’ asked the sweet young thing of the short man in the seat behind her at the pictures. “Not at all, miss! Not at all!” replied the little man. “ I enjoy looking at bargains. “My brother has been Africa for the last year, and has just come home. He has been hunting tigers. ’ “ How exciting. Did he have luck?” “ Rather. He never met any.” A man who had his purse stolen in a crowd received this letter one day: “ .Sir. I stoal youre munny. Remauss ip, noring me, so I send sum of it back to you. Wen it nors again I will send sunt more.” Fond Mother: “ Yes, my darling, those little boys next door have no 1 father or mother, and no kind Aunt Jane. Wouldn’t you like to give them something?” Archie (with great enthusiasm : •• Oh. yes, mamma. Let’s give them Aunt Jane.” Dobson : “ The finest thing you can cut an apple. “An apple a day keeps the doctor nwav.‘ ” Hobson “That's* right, -old chap, and an onion a day keeps everybody away!” Gentleman (indignantly) :“ When 1 bought this dog you said he was splen- , did for rats. Why.- he won't touch them!” Dog Dealer: “ M ell, isn’t that splendid for the rats?”

Marjorie: “But surely you'did not accept him immediately he proposed to you?” -Maude : “ Oh, no. -He had to absolutely squeeze it out of me!'’ Sea. Captain (introducing friend to his old aunt): “This is my old friend. .Barker ; he lives in the Canary Islands.” j “ How interesting,” murmured old i auntie. Gathering all her wits, she ; added: “Then, of course, you sing.” J Tommy was not paying attention to | ..the less-on; instead, he was looking out. of tlio class-room window. .Vow. Tommy, what is the plural of penny?” asked his teacher, anxious j to test whether he had been listening. ( Tommy pulled himself together. “Er—er ” And then, his face lighting up. “Twopence!” he called out triumphantly. Miss Brown (to Jones, who has claimed the first dance): “ \ ou’re quite an early bird, Mr Jones!” Jones (making an attempt to be gallant) : “Ah ! By Jove, yes! And I’ve caught the worm, too !” Doctor: “You have been at death’s door, and only your strong constitution has saved you.” Patient: 1 hope you'll remember that when you send in your bill, doctor.” The Youth (dramatically): “Refuse me. Hortenso. and there will be one less suitor in the world to-morrow.” The Girl : ‘ ‘lf by that you mean you are going to kill yourself, go ahead. But if you mean you will marry someone else, I suppose I'll hare to accept Mother: “Those little playmates of yours look rather common. Eddy. I hope none of them, swear!” Eddy :“ Oh. some of them try to. mother, but they are not much go-od at it.” George : ‘ Why did you break off your engagement with Gladys?” Archie: “ When T kissed her I smelt tobacco/’ “ You object to a woman who smokes?” “No, but she doesn’t smoke.”

At a colliery a deputy and a collier were quarrelling, and the deputy said to the collier, “Don’t you know Rule 69? —‘ A collier must obey a deputy '?” •' No, I don’t.” said the collier; ‘ but I know • Rule Britannia' • Britons never shall be slaves.’ ”