Fun and Fancy.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 16744, 27 May 1922, Page 4

Fun and Fancy.

Bobby: “Daddy, look! There’s ai aeroplane.” Daddy (absorbed in hi-* book): “ Yes, my boy—don’t touch it ’ Husband: “Como along! Keeping. ! me bore standing like a fool!” Wife J ‘‘Do be reasonable, dear! Can I real 1 3 j help the way you stand ” ! Wrecked Motorist (’phoning): “ Sen; j assistance at once. I’ve turned turtle.” Voice (from the other end) J “ My dear sir, this is a garage. What ! you want is an aquarium.” j Barber :“ Do you want a hair cut?” Customer: “ No, I want them all cut.” Barber: “ Any particular way, sir?” Customer: “Yes; off.” Mrs Backo: ‘‘Mrs Bloyd has no conversation.” Mrs Chat to : “ "Why, she talks incessantly.” “ Who said she didn’t ?” Visitor (in public gardens): “Do you happen to know to what family that y-lant belongs?” “ 1 happens to know it don’t belong to no family. That plant belong-* to tho Domain Board.’’ “Why,” asked the sweet girl, “do for a woman?” “ Because,” said the cynic, ‘‘pine is about the softest wood there is.” “ I've got a lot of things I want to talk to yen about, dear,” said tho wife. ‘That's good,” answered the husband; “you usually want to talk to me about a lot of things you haven’t

Sympathetic Friend: “ Banged your finger? Dear me. that s dreadful. I Uw.nys think that hurting one's linger sets on.;*s teeth on edge all down one’s back. ’ ’ Member of touring company: ‘ Mv good lady, at the last place T stayed the landlady wept when 1 left.’’ Land- * lady: “Ch, did she? Well, I ain’t ; going to. i wants my money in ad- | cance. The new servant was as truthful as she could bo. The first caller asked | co see her mistress. “She’s not at home,” was the answer. “ When will i she be back?” asked the caller. “I don’t know. mum. She’s not gone out ■ vet.” *.* Father: “ T never smoked when T J was your agp Will you be able to 1 tell that to your son when you are my I age?” “ Son: “ Not with as straight a face as you do. father.” “ How is vour new man a-getting | on ? ” “ Well,” said the farmer, “ he i broke two spade handles yesterday! ” ! “ Workin’ so hard!” ‘‘No, loanin'; The young housekeeper walked into j tho shop and rapped smartly on the counter. “ I want a chicken,” she said. “Do you want a pullet?”! asked the shopkeeper. “ So.” replied j the housekeeper, “ I want to carry it.” j First Student: “ A thermometer cer- j ta inly is a clever instrument to bo able I to tell vour temperature' so well.” I Second Student: “ It should be; it j a college education.” 4 ‘ A college education! How so? ” “Well, isn’t it graduated with many degree.'-!’' Mother: “ Now, Bobby, was it you who picked all the white meat off this chicken?” Bobby: “Well mother, to make a clean breast of it, I did.”

Teacher : “ Johnny, sit down in front.” Johnny: “T can’t.” ! Small Boy: “ What’s the use ol washing my hands before I go to school, mother? J'm not one of those who are always raising them!” I Kind Old Lady : “ Now. little one, what would you sav if I were to give you these? Would you sa.v these is good apples, or these are good apples?” Little Boy: “How kin I tell till I eat Diggs: “The footpad said. ‘Money or your life!’ so I gave him two shillings.” Airs Diggs: “Huh! You’re always getting taken in, Henry!” Son : “ We have a girl at our school whom we call Postscript.” Father. “Why, whatever for?” Son: “"Well, you see. it’s like this. Her name is Adeline Moore.” Maisie: “T think you’re wonderful Grace you seem to bring the l«?st out of vour husband.” Grace: “Yes. T got five of them out of him this morning for a new dress.” Air Blank: “Dancing is the poetry of motion.” Aliss Smart: “ But it is not the kind of poetry that can properly be associated with hymns.” Alugge: “ How did you contrive to convince your wife that you could not afford to buy a motor car?” Sharpe: “Pure luck on my part. She wanted to clean an old dress, and bought a gallon of petrol.”

“ Did you see any sharks when you were crossing tho Atlantic. Air Butts? asked Aliss Alills “ Yes.” replied Butts, sadly. “ \ played cards with a couple.” New Alaid : “ There’s one thing I i don’t like about the master. He keeps 1 calling me ‘my dear.' ” Mistress: j “Oh, you mustn’t mind that. It’s I only a habit of his. Why, he oven 1 addresses me that way sometimes. 5 ' I “Ladies and gentlemen,” said the ; chairman apologetically. “ I regret to say that to-night’s lecture on ‘ Howto keep fit ’ will have to be postponed 1 owing to tho indisposition of the lecWife: “ What do you think of that j lovely hat in this window? ” Husi band : “ I think it looks so splendid in j its present position that it would be I a downright sin to remove it.” Discerning Child (who has heard ' some remarks by his father): “ Are you our new nurse? ” Nurse: “ Yes, dear.” Child : “ Well, then 1 am one ! 1 )f those boys whrt can only be managed j by kindness, so you had better get some sponge cake and oranges at “ And how did von find vour steak | at lunch, Air Newman? ” inquired Air-. I Skinem of one of her boarders. “Ob, j I just moved a potato and there it j was,” triumphantly answered her | latest victim. A parson was christening a child in his village. He could not gather whether the , hild’s name was to be Anna or Hannah, so stooping down ho asked the mother, “ How do you spell it?” In an embarrassed and confidential whisper she replied, “ Well, I ain’t no schollard neither, sir.”