SMILE SEED.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11763, 29 July 1916, Page 3

SMILE SEED.

Grandm* : " He'd make you a model husband." Elsie: " Last years model, rrandma." "■There are «tn tilings i:o:cess<yy for £, hanov marriage. The nrst of tae. is a good husband, and the other nine are money. "Whv 'do vou dislike your teacher so, Willie?" ""I don't exactly dislw© her, but it's perfectly plain to me she never £ct married." Dyor: "Is it the kind of a* play you can take a girl to see?" Ryer: " hut it'* the kind you can t keep tier away from." "She trumped hi? ace." " Did he sav anything?'' " lie couldn hu\e said more if he had been married to her." Sho: "Do you think a man can lovo twoJwomen at the same time?" He (gallantly): "Yes, if they were both like you." She: "1 do ridiuirc l-hc little- waves; they're so energetic- ! ' tie'- " hHerpetic?-" She : " C- . they re -■ , v -• kissing tho sand."

Doting Mother: "Tell me, professor, is my son a deep student?" Professor (drilv) •. "None deeper, ma'am; he's always at the bottom." "Do you enjoy walking?'' "Immensely." "Good. Then I'll take you for a ride in the country in my motor-car." Wife (who is always ailing): "You will bury me by the side of my tirst husband, won't you, dear?" Husband: "With pleasure, my dear." Madge: " Did you have anything to talk about at the club meeting?" Marjoirie: "Lots! On account of the storm there were only three of us present." Ladv Teacher: "Children, you should alwavs respect your teacner. WdlK tell me why you should respect me." Wilie: "On account of your age, miss.'" She: "No, Mr Smitten, I cannot accept you. I shall continue to wait until I meet the ideal man." He:' Well, I hope you will live till the millennium rolls round.'' Publisher: "I can't see anything in that manuscript of yours." Struggling Author: "I presume not; but. you know, some of your re-idors may be :r.->re intelligent-''

Madge: " I wonder what the professor meant when ho said that the girls were wearing mathematical skirts?" Marjorio: "I suppose he referred' to them as an imaginary quantity." Cheery Porter: "My eye, mister, 'ow long did it take you to grow them whiskers? ' Alien (mildly): " 1 no dell. I goo to de station, I rait for de train, and de viskers grow. " " Why do you think their runaway marriage will turn out to ba a happy one?-" "Because all their relatives were so angry about it that they will refuse to visit them.'* She: "Do you believe the howling of a dog is always followed by a death?" He: "No; not always; sometimes the man who shoots at tho dog is. a poor marksman.'' " It's strange that a strong man like jon cannot get work." "Well, yer see, mum, people wants references from me last employer, an' he's been dead twenty years." Londoner: ""What flue air you have out hero; it's so much fresher than in London." Farmer: " That's just, what I was saying to ray old woman. \\ liy ain't ail these his ci ,: e* cut. sn the country?"

Gibbs: " What do you think of this idea of counting ten before you speak when angry?" Dibbs: "Well, I know this, that counting out £5 when my wife is nngrv has a mighty soothing effect." Teacher: " And why are you so late, Tommy?" Tommy:'*'lf you please, teacher, it is mother's washing-day; she lost the lid of the copper, so I have been sitting on the top to keep tho steam in " Mrs Oldun! " There was a time, Torn, when you used to chuck me under the chin sometimes. But you don't do it now." Mr Oldun: "Yes, my love; but you didn't have so many chins then.'" " How is your boy Josh getting along with his employer?" ''Well," replied Farmer Corntossel, " they have come to an agreement at last. Josh said he was goin ; to quit, an' the boss, ho saict so too." Tradesman (who has been at the telephono for a quarter of an hour, to his apprentice): '■ Here, William, take the receiver, as long as my wilo is talking to me. Vcn don't- »mi to make "any reply : only when sin- a-lis. • Aro you i-t-i'i t!c •:< •, ;n• -s :•' • , k e>. Amelia deai>' ''

Mac Quirk: "Yes, sir, my wife always finds something to harp on." MaeShirk: "I hope mine does, too." Mac Quirk: " What makes you say you hope sho does?" MaeShirk: "She's dead." Tiio Parson: "I congratulate you oil your excellent crop of wheat this year, Mr Grouser." The Cocky: " Ah, do yer ? An' wot about the terrible extry expense in takin' it off an' buyin' bags?" " Yes," said the young student thoughtfully, "when I got interested in a subject I never stop until 1 have embraced it thoroughly." ''That's nice," was tho hesitating reply. "Do —you think I'm an interesting subject?" "Halloa, Bill, old man! Well. I haven't, seen you since tho old days, when wo used "to run about together." "No, Jack. All, th.oso old days I What a fool I used to be thon"l tell you, Fin glad to see you. You haven't changed a bit, old man." "What are tho duties of an American .soldier in Mexico?" "Tf the Press dispatches can bo relied on, a. day's work consists of hunting for Villa one hour, hunting for water tiro hours, and the rest, or the time limiting for lost American aviators."

A little schoolgirl, when a lesson was being given on snow, volunteered the information that the snow was swept out of heaven. "But how docs it get into heaven?" asked the master. " Please, sir, the angels scratch it off their wings," was the tiny tot's reply. "What aro oxen?" asked tho teacher. The little foreigners looked blank. " Does anyoo know what a cow is?" she asked, hopefully. -A dingy hand waved wildly at the back of the room, j " I know-. * I know, teacher. A cow, ; she lays milk 1" Blanche: " Isabel, what has put you in such a bad humour?" _ Isabel: " "'Aliy, I've had a communication from Jack, and bo writes such a horrid hand that I can't tell whether it is a pro- j posal, an odo to summer, or that euro for chapped hands he promised to send me." •' For ten years," said the new boarder, "my habits were as regular! as clockwork. I rose on tho stroke - of six, half an hour later was at breakfast; at seven I was at work; dined at one; had supper at six, and was in bed at nine-thirty. Ate only plain food, and hadn't, a day's illness all the time." "Dear tilt/' said a hearer, in sympathetic tones. " And. what were you in for?''

1 "Will yea luk at thot'" exclaimed -•lrs _ O'Toolo in just indicnation. ■ " ; AVashin' and ironin' done.*" Sure, she ain't wan bit better than Oi am. 01 : ve got me washin' and ironin' done, too. but yea don't see me hangup oui no shingles braggin 1 about ut." " Hubby," announced Mrs Stylover, ''l'm goiftg to town to-morrow to se? the new hats." " You forget," her husband reminded her, "that to-mor-row is Sunday. The shops will be closed." "Who said anything About slops ?" she retorted. " I'm going to church." Elder (to beadle): *' Well, John, how did you like the strange minister?" Beadier xvo ara, elder; he's an" awfu' frichtened kin a chap yon. Di<J ye notice how he ave talked aboot ' oor adversary, Satan' r Oar own meeiiis* ter just ca's him plain ' dsevil'; doesna care a dom for him." " Can you tell , me," said the oonrfc, addressing Enrico Ufuzzi, under esam-» ination at Union Hill, Novr Jersey, aa to his qualifications for " tlio dihereiico between the pavvera. and prerogatives of the King of Eiign land and those oi the President of the; United States?" " Yoszir,'' spoke up ; Ufuzzi, promptly. '• King, he got., steady job."