SMILE SEED.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11757, 22 July 1916, Page 3

SMILE SEED.

Kriss: What did you got out of your aunt's estate?'' Kress: " After "settling things up, the lawyer blow me to a good dinner and lent me £l." Suitor: "What makes you think, sir, that I will not be able to support, your daughter?' Her Father: "The ditficulty I've had in doing it myself."' Belle: ".Tack proposed to mc last, night.'' Nell: "I'm not surpris-i'd. He told roe ho didn't care what became ot' him when L refused him." Defendant (.in a loud voice): "Justice! Justice! I demand jusiiee !' Judge: The defendant will plea>e remember that he is in a courtroom ." Irritated Lady: "No, it doesn't tit. and I shall expect my money back." Mr-Moses: "But goot gracious, madam tisements say: "Money refunded if not approved." Mr Mo-es : " .--'o they do. my dear madam: so they do; bui \ear money vas approved. it va.i very goot money."

; "Well," said the doctor, "you'it I cured at last. Hov; do you feel?" ! •'• J feel.' the patient, looking at : his wallet sadly, "J feel as it' 1 could start life all over again." Mrs Owens: "1 wonder if the. doctor's wiie meant anything personal , just now." owens: "Y\hat did she Uay?" .Mrs Owens: " She said 'ivc | ' might at least pay them a visit-."' Mrs Xouvoau-Hiche: "Yes. 1 think {hatMl do. it's a 'ausome-iooking | globe. so if you'll ju-t, git a. few more island;, painted <>a tlto-n empty spacer j i'U ave that one!'' Lawyer: •"What sort of a neighbour k ho?" Witness: " !>c<t one L'jfvei' ! had. Lived next, to him live years.' i Lawyer: " Th"n yon knmv b.im inti- | mi'telv?" Witness : " Never -poke to | ■■ (,:oodm-s>. ?.':i:r:a, w jiy are you hidin" all the music so carefully .' •■Well, John, tiie Puffers are calling on us io-niu.l it. t'Uii you ktiCAV M ,,; > i-ut-fer never plays without music. Old Housekeeper (to son of the house, home on short leave): " \\ hy. if il iMM M-.-.ter Covr-e! Well, who would ever have' thought the war would have been over so .soon."

lfltfTCnrJlY4— — " Yfhat profession do you think your liny Josh will chocs??" ••Law," paid 'Farmer ('orntossel. '"Josh kin talk louder an' longer when he's got, tbo wrong side of an argument. than anybody I ever heard.'' '•'You say you liavo quit smoking?" "Yep; never going to smoke again.'" " Then why don't you throw away vlio.se cigarsj"'' "Never! I throw away a box of good cigars the last time I quit smoking and it taught me a lesson, ■• What kind of work could you possibly do around my cltirer" " I'm a, kind of ail-around hamly man. mister. ] kin hold a door open, light a match i'er ye. call a iaxi. drop letters d*.\vn the chute, an' tell folks yer out when yer ain't." •• I low do you make the distinct ion between popular and classical music:'" asked the very young man. "Oh, '.hat's easy/' answcml the dispenser of home-grown philosophy. '' It's popular if I enjoy it and it is classic it' I don't." •• Air nlnvat is your Patsy doin' these d'ays, Mrs O'Hagan?" ''Ah, lie's doin' fine! He's a conductor in *he opery house., an' wears a swallytail coat." "A conductor, i* it ? An' j phwat does a conductor dor" " He eonl ducts people to their seats."

Sir." said the angry woman.. '' 1 tin- j derstand you said I had a face that j would stop a street-car in the middle of i the block." "Yes. that's what 1 said." calmly answered' the mere man. "If takes an unusually handsome face to induce a motorman to make a stop like' thai." i A Scotch minister while going homo j j one dark night foil into a deep hole, j i Unable to get out. ho shouted lustily, j j and at last. a labourer heard him and j : came 10 hw assistance. The. minister j [ told him how he got- there and v.-ho j Ihe was whereupon Ins rescue l- re- j i marked: ''Wee!, wee!, ye needna' kick; lup such a rumpus. Ye'!! no t:e need- j led afore Sunday. and is only j YTedno'.'uny uicht." j "No, what- <i*s you tiani?" asked _tho \ I sharp-ternperou woman " 1 lo i ' see. if 1 coulri-scil you .-oiue baXin i>ow - ; dor. ma'am." said the seedy gentleman with the staggering whiskers. 'A\ ell, vou can't sell no bak'u powder here, and I ain't :ioi no lime in waste on pedi ri'lers. anvwav.'' " Come to think of it, ; ma'am."" said the seedy gentleman, as • he fa-toned his bag. "I wouldn't care to sell \ol! ;':!v powder. '! ills poky little kiv i - en ef yours is so low in the (• ii 1 i:i' tii.-n '.lie bread wouldn't lnivo no clianco to rise."

•' "Why," asks a Missouri paper, "'does Missouri stand at the head in raising niukvi?'" " I3eeau.se," says another paper. " that is the only safe place to stand." '• Xo such thing as suick-uppishness about her." says the loyal servitor, de- j fending his mistress against the criti- I ci-mts of the acquaintance, who is in- I wishing ay;ain:»;- class dis-enuii nation ami! ihe attitude of ihe wealthy ward the working element. " Well, but <Soil't. she order you around:' " Sure she •'locs. I>ut, lion!: slie oawis j me out just the ••■aii'.o ;i> win: t >d>e dees j In !• husband,. don t. j;;a' i- iio Uj;-i ten'neo nic nit hiiii. t \ n. j A Chicago violuest. wlio gives <v;icejts throughout iiie West '"wis biue:*ly disappointed wii-h the uce-unt of Irs recital printed in an lowa town paper. " i t"id your man three or jour times/' complained the musician to the owner of the paper, that the instrument I used was a genuine Suv.divarius, and in ins story there wa.s. not a word about it, not a word." "Wlierei.pcn the owner said, with a laugh: •'Tint is as it should be. "When Mr Stradivarius gets his fiddle advertised | in my paper under two dollars a "line. ; come around and let me know.'" j

<• ]l n H Solomon really seven hundred wives?" inquired the old woman, alter reflection. "Oh yes, Mary! It is stated so in the J3ible." " Lor', muni: was the comment, "'what privileges thorn early Christians had!'' ! ■' What N the worst thins; about ri<-iie:w;i «ki'il a school teacher of a j pupil. " Their scarcity." replied the Dup:l. nnc; wax imiuciiiiitoly a'.iaided full marks. Mrs M'Dui'i': "This paper says that mica are attracted by nni.-io, hui I don't j believe ii." _HDili; : " Why not?''' -Nil's j .Arihiii": " .i never see any mice I about when I. pi ay the piano. M Duff: i " iVcil. that's no reason ior doubting I lite p..p,'i''s .>tatemeni.-.'' t j A man i'roni Canada sat in the lobby of a .V'.v York hotel listening to coldweather yarns. These yarn*, gave '.cry copvincr.ig examples of the suffering and hardship occasioned by last winter's excessive cold. Finally the Canadian couched and said: "Your cold-weather yarns, gentlemen., matte a Canadian smile. You think you've had a cold winter down East here, but up my way. from last November clean through to February our hot-water bottles hoxe solid in our beds every blessed nielli."

Caller; "I hare hero several bills which nre long overdue.'' Harduppe (desperately): "I am sorry to say tnat onr cashier is out to-day." Caller: " Oh, well, it doesn't make much difference. I'll call and pay them at some future date. Good-dav, sir." Stage Manager: '* My dear, I wish you would wear a different gown in the .second act." llita Ravcnyolp: "But that is the latest style, and I paid two hundred dollars for it." Stage Manager: "That may he true, but when your husband says: ' Woman, you are hiding something from me,' the audience can't figure out what, lie means." The drill sergeant, whose severity had. made him unpopular with his troops, was putting a party of recruits through the iuncial service. Opening the ranks so as to admit the passage of the "supposed cortege between them, the instructor, by way of practical explanation, walked slowly clown the lane formed by the two ranks, saying, as he did so: "Now, I'm the corpse. Pay attention." Having reached the end of the path, ha turned round, regarded them steadily with a scrutinising eyo for a moment or two, then exclaimed": "Your "ands is right, ans your 'e.ads is right-, but you 'aven't got that look of i egret you ought to 'are,"-