SMILE SEED.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11669, 8 April 1916, Page 3

SMILE SEED.

" Why did you slap your baby sister's face?" * "'Cause til* rest uv 'er was trapped up." What makes Carol so disliked.?" " She got the most votes for being popular." Teacher: "What is water?" Willie: :; A colourless fluid that turns black when you wash your hands." " What was the result of the flood?" asked the Sunday school teacher. i; }hui," replied the bright youngster. " They .say people with opposite characteristics make the happies* marriages." Yes; that's why Tin looking for~a girl with money." " Stout people, they say. are rarely guilty oL meanness or crime." "Well, you see. it's so difficult for them to stoop l 'o anything low." A rolling stone gathers no mo.-.s, but it. got> so smooth that nobody has anything on it. She:. " l>o you remember that you once proposed' to me and that [ refused you?" He: "Yes. that is one of my life's moot beautiful memories.''

He: "Yes, I once thought of gomg on the itage, but friends dissuaded inc." She: " Frier ds of the stage, f presume." " Whv are women walking with a slump or a slouch?" "It mav he that they are trying to make those short skirts come a trifle nearer the ground." Astonished 3lothsr: "Why, Tottie, von never told me you had invited s<> manv children to this party!' _ Small Hostess: "That's 'cause you said that I could never i:eop <a secret."' "Jt'.s ,-,n ill wind' that blows your last match out." She: Tell me, when you were in the Army, were you cool in the hour of dauger?" He: "Cool? I actually shivered." "\[r.> Jones: "My husband is the light of my life." Mrs Smith: "So is mine. One of the kind thai smokes nuU-goas out at night." Kczgy: "1 thought you'd forgiven wi'iJit' T" said and promised to forget it?" IVsiizy : "Hut 1 didn't promise to let you forget I'd forgiven it." Clerk - " 1 sorry I c,nn't read t.lii«. let-tor, ™ir. the v ritine >o had'." Kmplover: "Nonsen 4 ?! Any irliot can read that. Pass it over hero,"

"Yes. she's made a name for herself." " In what way?" Why, she used to l)e Ellen Oummino Brown. Now she is Aileen Comyne Browne." Gcntlem.au (getting into the carriage) : '' That tootlu must come out today under any circumstances. Drive 3iio to the nearest dentist.—but go slowly!" "What would .you do if 1" were to offer you work?'' " It 3 ud be all right, mister,''' a,n.we red' Meandering Mike; S 'l kin take a joke as well as anybody." Fauntlerov: "Jerry, when the alligator closed its jaws Vm you, did you give yourself up for lost:?" Jcrry : No, my Lord. I remembered an adventure I had with a folding bed once, and took courage." Jerrold: "I can't get any speed out of that motor-car you sold me. Yon told me you had been arrested six times ! i n it." Hobnrt: "So I was, old vlinp. j For obstructing the highway." "I|, is hitter cold.'' remarked the ! shivering husband. " Why don't you i'hutton tip your jacket?" " Tho idea."' I exclaimed tho wife. "Why. if I did thai no one would kmn\ it lis lined wiMi

" Ho always seems to be very earnest, at any ratb." "Oh,vver t Why, he can say 'How are you?' and give you the impression that he really wants to know." Tess: "So Cholly is to marry Miss Grahame. He's entirely too young for her, don't you think?" Jess: "Oh, hell age rapidly enough after he's married to her." Nervous Youth (to charming girl, who has been trying to set him .at his ease): "He he! I always—ha—feel rather shy with pretty girls, y'know, but I'm quite fat 'homo with you 1" Brown: " I have just discovered what it is that destroys a man's memory completely." Green .-"What is it? AlcoholJor tobacco?" Brown: "Neither; it's doing him a favour." Teacher: "James, what is tho shortest day of the year?" James (from experience) : "The day your father promises i<:> give you a beating afore you go to bed." i Counsel: "What ground.-, hare you for >nyiug you were uit-anc when you proposed in l'.fv?" Defendant: ""Well, there's ihe piahuifl in (Yum; look at I her.''

Gentleman: "And remember, James, there are two things I must insist upon ■—truthfulness and obedience." Footman: "Yes, sir. And when you tell me to tell the visitors you're out when you're in, which shall it be, sir?" Little Willie: "Pa, I'll be awfully glad when I Iget old enough to do as I please." Pa: "'Naturally, toy eon; and when you reach that age it's nuts to nothing you'll <*et married, £nd not do it." Mr Smartt: " Oh, Miss Wixon, fwe'ro getting up a raffle for a poor sailor. Won't you help us'by taking a ticket?" Miss Wixon: "But I shouldn't know what to do with a poor sailor if I won him." The physics instructor in a. high school was teaching ft German girl, whose vocabulary was not very extensive. " What is a vacuum?" fye asked. " J. have it in my he-ad. hut I can't express it," was the reply. " Happiness.'" declaimed tho philosopher. pompously, "is only tho pursuit of something, not the patching bf it." •• Ok f don't know," answered the plain citizen. " Have, you ever chased the last car on a rainy day?,"

First German Private: "How did Schmidt as capo from the Scottisn guard'?" Second Private: ' He passed his helmet asking for contributions and the guard disappeared." A farmer and his wife went into a dentist's. " How much do you charge for filling teeth?" asked the farmer. "From 10s to £l." "And for pullin' ?*' ' S 2s 6d." "Mary," he said, turning to 'his wife, " you'd better get it pulled." Tommy arrived home one day with a nice new golf ha 1 !. " Look_at the lost hall I found on ihe links, pa," he said. " But are you sure, Tommy," asked his father, "that it was a lost ball?" "Oh, yes," said !the boy. "I saw the man and his caddie looking for it." Tommy: "Hallo, Jimmy, what kep' you?" Jimmy: "3le and the old man had an argument. He wanted me to haul some coal into the backyard. Tommy: "How did at end?" Jimmy: In a draw; I drawed it." As a pleasant-faced woman passed tho corner Jones touched his hat to her, and remarked feelingly to his companion : "Ah, ray boy, 1 owo a great deal to that woman ! :! "Tour mother? 1 ' was the