SMILE SEES.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11371, 24 April 1915, Page 9

SMILE SEES.

Why would a woman lose her religion if she changed her sex?— Because she would bo a "he-then (heathen). Old Gent, (kindly): "You'll be late for tea, sonny." Boy: "No, I won't. I've got the muffins wiv me now.-' ••* Draper's Assistant: " Would you like to look through some of our blankets, madam;?" Customer: "No; I want some that you can't look through." * • * "Just thiPvk. darling! " she exclaimed, "yon proposed, to me just twentyfour hours" ago." "Yes," he replied, - "and it seem- as though it were but yesterday." # # # Enid: " I think: that Mr Muff is the nicest dander. He is so easy on his foot." Myrtle: "Humph! He may ho easv on his feet, but he was hard on mine.'* * • • " Aw. Miss Violet, I always eat » lot of fish. They say fish is brain food, you know." " But are you quite but©. Cholly, you haven't swallowed some of the bones?" * " T want to go abroad the worst way," exclaimed the young thing. " Then you should marry. T know of no worse way." Saying which the ohiar thing smiled harshly. *•" " Were you ever lost in those woods, Henry?" " Once, nearly, but the wind!' saved me." "How?" "By howling so loud that Miss Nagg didn't hear too when 1 proposed." V Hostess (to young guest): " Yon won't have another piece of pie, Bobbie ! Why, you must be suffering from.' loss of appetite." Bobby: " No'm, I'm ■• .suffering from a promise to my mother." *** They were sitting on the stair, in si very narrow space; gaases he with lorai* sick air, on her half face*. Knows he well she is a wife, yet hki adoration is, the devotion of a Jifey for—she happens to be his. V First Boy (contemptuously): " Huh! i You mother takes in wash-in." SecoiicC*' ' Boy: "O' course. You didn't suppose. she'd leave it hanging out at night unless your father was in prison, did ye?" *«* "My papa isin't afraid of elephants," - said the first little girl after the boast- ' ing had crept up by degrees. " Huh!" replied the second little girl. "My papa isn't afraid of anything—"eeptia* mamma.'' *#* "Your husband," said the caller,"" sympathisingly, " was a man of excel- ' lent qualities." "Yes," sighed the _ widow, "he was a good man. Everybody says so. I wasn't 7nucb acquaint-, ed with him myself. He belonged to . six clubs."

"We are all vexed with Julia- 1 ' "For what reason?" "Well, Alio© ' married a man named Jones—l riod a man named Brown—and Julia" ■ has gone and married a Mr Van Buster;, when she promised to marry a man .- named Smith." V " Why do you always take a bottfe' ' with you when you go fishing?" "The- • bottle' is to keep the cork in: cork is valuable as a life preserver." "I don't, ■ believe this cork ever saved ■ life; it doesn't smell as if it had eveT , . , been in the water." *** "I wrote to the man my son works ■ for, ancL asked him how Dick was getting akmg. and where he slept night*.'*. " What did he say?-" " Why, he wrote bade saying Dick is all. right,.ami that, he sleeps in the office during the day J ' but ho doesn't know where h© sleeps nights." Herr Flute: "Do you play any in- . strument, Mr BowenP* Mr B.: "Yes I'm a cornetist." Hear Fhite: "And your sister?" Mr B.: "She's a pian-. ist." Herr Flute: "Does your mother play?" Mr B.: "She's a zitherist." ■ Herr Flute: "And your father?" Mr B.: "He's a pessimist!" "Now," said the great magician,. rolling up his sleeves to show that he ■ had no concealed mechanism to dweive the eye, "T shall attempt my neverfailing experiment." Taking from hia pocket a pound note, he said, " I shall i cause this note to disappear utterly. * So saying, he lent it to a friend. *** Recently Secretary Daniels enter-. ta.ined a.board the Dolphin in honour of; distinguished guests, .and having blyj executive order banished all liquor fromf* the ships of the United States navy, felt that he had to be consistent, and so the banquet was ""dry." When Sec-, retary Garrison, the day after Daniels banquet, was asked about plans for his entertainments of -'*s|iHH foreigners, he replied: "Well, thus fofH I have decided on only one detail, and|M that is that my entertainments will be,J *** '■ One afternoon an elderly woman, who; was not accustomed to boarded a train for a .short run to the -: adjacent county, and when her destina-1' tion was eventually announced, sm)i i nervously called to the conductor, j "What can I do for you, madam?"j 1 asked the- conductor, stepping to her, ; i side. "Oh, Mr Conductor," she ex-. ; I claimed, "here is the town where * ; l am going, and I don't know exactly} which door to go out!" "Yon may aorl lout by either door, madam." gently instructed the conductor. '*Tho car. 1 : stops at both ends." I , * t * | Whistler was once taken by a MendU to the home of a newly-rich mfllion-4 aire who had been gathering a jroUecM tion of dubious paintings supposedly byi old masters. After Whistler W**!: the collection his friend said: "NwA Whistler. Mr Blank wants to make torcM vision in his will to bequeath tfiea&i paintings, and he would like a W&# gestion'from vou as to which institiM tion to give them." Promptly cam*] the answer: "The East End 'lnstittt-;; tion for the Blind." ..] * • « Armed with a subpesna, a sheriff went out to serve it on tti wealthy and extremely snobbish manuM, facturer. whom he met at the gat«j of tho manufacturer's country hotne.v The great man was in an accompanied by two ladies, and as the:, procas*-semn" handed over the. papersi' he politely raised his hat. The assumed a democratic manner. " Yoim don't need to take off your hat to mejl young man," be said. "I took off.niyi hat, not to you, sir," was the an£weryj| "but to the ladies with you." 'j The general was riding along on sjfl blading hot day when a dilapidatfeajS soldier, his clothes in rags and wi&lHj no shoes, lu's head bandaged and hiawj arm in a sling, cam© in sight. TheJM general stopped. " Why, my good? tel-|fl low, you seem to be pretty well doumfl up?" "Yea K sir; I am just a bit, ' |fl eaid the soldier. Then, looking up atlH the general, he said: "General, I lovajß my country. I'd fight for' my try. I'd starve and go tliirsty for rnyj country. I'd die for my oountry. 'But J if ever this confounded war is I'll never lovo another country!" fl An English labourer was being tried ■ with a supposed accomplice for poach-<<■ ing. which bo stoutly denied. _ 'llhflL|!B magistrate retorted that the ovidenoaM went to show that at least he vras i»« collusion with tho other prisoner. labourer hero interrupted, and said ; ' wa.rn't in (.'■olhisJon ; it w ]n , A ;"„r"M that he met the other man. J ' ie SM Court explained tie meaiim* of ttui>.M word « collusion." but it did not deteP|« the other from procecumg wrtb his fenoo " There war no collusion tw<K»*sß u , ~s th ;n , j>]!cr always wanted thevM whole" profits, ami I never collude H,af <orf. <>' man if I knows it; audtfH whou th'-fc's no chance to git j no vt..i- colludes. Not mel