FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11282, 9 January 1915, Page 5

FUN AND FANCY.

A. Matrimonial Agent---A company promoter on a small scale. When a man says lie will loach a boy wind is what, he usually makes a mistake and shows him whicli is twitch. < "You have throe pairs ni' glasses, professor?" " Yes; J use one to read}, with, one to kw at a, distant, and the third to find the others. The Doctor's Desire. —" How'll yehj have yer eggs?" demanded the busyi waitress. " As well as could be ex-< peeled under the circumstances," re-t plied the absent-minded physician. J Officer: "I understand that you-and\ Private Perkins were calm and 001-j lectod when tin* explosion ooourred »t the powder magazine." Pat: "Well, sor, I was calm, hut poor Perkins was, collected." ' Their- Favourite Enemy.—-Burke i " Oi can't undershtand any rale man foigbtin, to save th' life iv lngl&mL" Shea: "Why, who th' diwlei would th' Oirish have t' scrap wid, iv* there wor-no JngJand?"

Prosecutor: "Your worship, sh« struck me in the face with her clenched list. This out was caused hy hen ring." Magistrate: "How did'she* get the ring?" Prosecutor: "I gavej it to her. it was otir engagement* ring." Magistrate: "The accused U discharged. This is clearly a r case of? contributory negligence!" ' ' j A young lady who had accidentally ' cut the point off her index finger 'with I a chopper was coming from church with her finger handrged "What's the ; matter wi' yer hnun', Miss Parri'tch?" "Oh," replied the young lady, ' "1 chappit a wee hit aff my forefinger." The young man looked sentimental and blurted out: "Oh, how I wish T had that-wee bit!" To which the young lady naively responded: " Would ye jio raither hae the bit that's left?"" An undersized yokel approached n, . sergeant in the barrack yard of one of. our military depots. " f walrt to join the Army, please," he said. The,.ser- ' geant looked him tip and down,. And -/ replied. " You cannot join the Army, rhy lad; you are too small. "Too email!" said the voutlt. "What about that little fellow".over there?" "But he is an officer." "Oh. is he?." extol aimed Chawbaoon. "Well, I'm not particular; ni just join the officers." Recently a lady amateur song-writer 'sent to a popular aotress-vncalis't' th» , words of a new song which 5516 had written. The actress could i&e nothing attractive in the song, and' read the verses to ner husband. '' Good . heavens!" he exclaimed, when .sh'ri had finished. " What's she talking about? What does she call itP" "She. calls it ' I Wonder if He'll Miss Me'?' " was tire reply. " Well," said the husband, , "if ho.does he ought never to be trusted with a gun again 1" -" They were both retired officers, and had just been introduced in the smok- ' ing-room of the club. "Do you .know, Colonel," aaid the Major, " I cannot , help thinking I have met you before.*', " And, strangely enough, sir, I have a very similar feeling with regard to you." " Were you at the storming of Flareupatum?" "I was, Major," "And were you present at the time the fort exploded and blew up the entire place?'' "I had that honour I" • " Then, now I know where I have Been. • you before; I passed' you as you were . foing up, and I was coming down, our hand, Colonel 1"

King Peter of Servia one© had for a valet a man who seemed to find it quite impossible to understand .an.'■■order intelligently. However, some Of # Ill's mistakes, though annoying at had their distinctly humorous side. On one occasion King Peter sent the man with a message to his wife. Alas! he forgot. it on the way. King Peter was furious when the man returned: "Why, you noodle I" he exclaimed, "I don't believe vou know. ...what WjO-M-A-N spells!" ■.'?. TVoublejcas » rule, sir." was the man's quiet'retort; and his Majesty now wonders whether the man wm as stupid as he used tot appear. '•■-■''"'

Japan's new Prime Minister; Counii Okuma, lias a wooden leg. It replaces a limb which was blown'off by the bomb of a political assassin.' In connection with that outrage, a story is told which goes far to support the claim that is made for Okuma that he is the best-mannered man in Japan. After the explosion, which had killed; his servants and horses, besides shattering hie leg, he was lying in; his office in an agony of pain, yet he was able to say smilingly to a "foreign statesman who was taking. leave of him, "Excuse me, sir, for my im* politeness in not seeing you to ' the door."—"Pall Mall Gazette."

BRIDGETS NEW HUSB£NT>. After a period of six months qM widowhood, Briget consented to ngaM|| enter the married state. Some veei®i after she was led to the altar hernial mistress met her in the street dressed in the deepest mourning. < .■* "Why, Bridget," she exclaimed, ? "for whom are you in blackP" . " For poor Barney, my first husband, mum. When h© died Oi was that poor Oi couldn't afford to buy mourning, hut Oi said if iver Oi could Oi would, and new man, Tim, is as generous as a lord." A KITCHENER STORY, Here is a good' Kitchener story, which was told to me (says the London correspondent of the " Liverpool Courier") by a. very famous physician, who vouched for its absolute truth. When Lord Kitchener consented to fill the post of War Minister in the greatest emergency this nation has ever known, he was effusively welcomed in Whitehall by a very important and distinguished Minister. "We shall be most grateful, my Lord," said this Minister, " for any advice you can give us on any matter." Lord Kitchener shrugged his shoulders. ' I'm afraid I'm not much at giving advice." said the new" War. Secretary, " I'm more used to givingorders."' Then the thermometer dropped appreciably. " HOME. SWEET HOME." It was dark and cold, and the gaunt and leafless trees were swayed by fitful gusts of wind that spoke of coming Plodding Pete and Weary. Willie quickened their pace in order to reach a place of shelter ere the storm should overtake them. This sudden burst of energy seemed to excite conversation. " Wot's up with yer, Pete?", inquired Willie. " Yer look as if yer coin' ter cry." "T dutmo," was Pete's reply.. "I don't feel the joy o' livin' like I used to. I've bean thinkin' o' my wasted life, an' I've got a sorter uneasy, home* sick feelin'." "Homesick!" broke in Willie, "Why. bless me, 1 belie-v© that's wot both of us are sufferin' from. Wfl ain't neither of u» been inside- a gaol for close on three months now, 'ave weP" SAVED BY WIT. During a severe engagement aja Irish private whs espied by his captain in the act of beating a. hasty retreat. The man had been a favourite with hut superior officer, and when_ the latter" approached him on tho subject the folt lowing day, it was in a spirit more of sorrow than of anger. "1 must confess. Pat." he said, " that your action in the engagement yesterday surprised me.' "An' what's the rayson of that* sorrP' " ltea#,on enough. Pat. Didn't you* promise me you'd be in tho thickest of tho li.ght, and- didn't I catch you a«tu« ally running away, you rascal?" • •'Running away, is it? 'Dade, cap* tain, but ye desa.vo yersolf. It was irf . remembrance of my promise, sorr, thai Oi was runnin' around t.royin' to foinq outjist where the foight was the thick« est." < -.■-..:' Pat's wit saved him from a;court* martial., •■>■•