FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 1125, 19 December 1914, Page 4

FUN AND FANCY.

Every woman who leads you to the water will not allow you to drink. A vessel that a good many military experts would like to see founder-<~tbo Censor-ship. The Germans, having found us good buyers, art- perhaps contemplating that little Zeppelin raid in order to turn us into cellars. Kaiser Bill went up the hill In search of blood and slaughter; But, coming down, he lost hia crown,-, And so he baliy well ouslit-er, Fare: "But, my good man, it's barely si mile as the crow flies!" Driver: "That ain't nothing ter go by. This 'ere's a cab. not a airyplane." The Russians have captured the Kaiser's model horse-breeding establishment in Eastern Prussia. Having lost his stud, no wonder Wilbelm's choler is rising. . ■'■' *•-■- - Mamma: "Don't you know that, King" Solomon said ' Spare the rod and spoil the child'?" Little Johnnie: "Yes; but he never said it until he got so old his mother couldn't "beat him!" -'- .»

When being examined in a somewhat cursory manner, by the Civil Service Commissioners' representative, _ the ap«plicant for a temporary clerkship, stammered a good deal. Thinking it was: due to nervousness, the well-disposed, examiner very kindly said: "No heedto get flurried, my good man. . Per* ; haps, though, you have stuttered all fcour'. life?" "N-n-no," spluttered the poor devil. "F-f-for tho f-f-first., .J-t-&ro years or so, I d-d-didn't all." He is still out of a job. - j; A learned and .humorous deacon-'-.was'' seated in the Synod Hall at Dublin, when a bottle; falling from the'■ strangers' gallery, happened' to alight upon' his somewhat bald cranium.. .Rising from his chair, he asked permission to make a personal v- "My ; ; Lord Primate," he said,:,"T ,ain,;.Mv' ways glad to sec strangers at, bates, and I feel specially "by, the presence of women. 'But "-r-fier& he held up the scent bottle—"leVnot; their precious balms break my head,." An old Irishman, long desirous.of ficial dignity, was • finally apjp6in;tec| marshal in a parade, on Memorial Day; Veterans, bandsmen and school children were lined along the 'streets of ths town, patiently waiting the signal'.' tb start. Suddenly Mike, on a'praripirig charger, dashed _up the .street/,' After inspecting the dignified procession, he gave his horse a quick clip. Thenj standing up in his saddle,- ho yelled with a voice filled with pride and" authority: " Heady; now! Everyone'oi yez, kape sthep with the horsi?]"' ■":'.*'' " I am going over to comfort Mrjsi Brown," said' Mrs Jackson , tb. bar daughter Mary. "Mr-.-Brown, .hanged' himself in their ''attic last night. " " Oh, mother, don't go; you know you always eay the wrong thing." "Yes, I'm going, Mary. I'll jiist talk | about the weather; that's a safe I enough subject." Mrs Jackson went on her visit of condolence. :'''" We'v.o' had rainv weather lately, haven't w<S, Mrs Brown?" "Yes.." replied widow. "I haven't been able to get? my week's washing dried." " Oh," said Mrs Jack?on, "I shouldn't think you'd have any trouble., You have such a nice room for hanging things in." He was a very raw recruit, and was paying his first • visit to the. riding school. He was allotted a horse;; but it was obvious from the nervous way he handled the animal, that be had never, been on horseback before. When the instructor came up the recruit to the girth. '' What's it got. that strap round it for?" he. inquired. • "Ah!" exclaimed the instructor, with mock admiration. "Fancy you noticing that. .You "see, that horse.has a terrible keen sense of humour,, an he's subject to sudden bursts of "laiighi ter at, seme of 'the''recruits-he" t getsv ■so we puis that band round him to keep him from bursting his sides." A mounted policeman riding through Central Park came upon some .little girls picking haudfuls of flowers, "Hurry up," ho heard them . sayi "Teacher's liable to catch' up' *iny minute." Dismounting .from ,\m horse, he grasped one child by the arm. "Stop it!" he -thundered.' 'You know it's against tho law to pick the park flowers. Why, I could arrest vou for this, and I'm not at all sure that I won't go'ahead and do my duty." The small g ; rl wriggled from, his grasp. "Oh. stop your fussing and go along," she said, contemptuously, as she watched a tall woman hurrying along tho path. " You. can't pinch us. , Why, we're pinched already. We all come from the reform school." VERY OLD -ESTABLISHED ./.,".;. Diner (to proprietor of restaurant),: " Yciir fomilv has heei> establsh?d here a long time," -lasn't it?"*- Proprietor (proudly): " Yes. indeed, sir. This business to belong to my grandfather " Diner: "I? that so? And did this fowl belong to him, too?". A FELLOW-SUFFERER. He was a long-suffering traveller'on mo of the Southern lailuay lines, and complained, btterly to the guard about d.e lateness of tho train and the irregularity of the service. The guard ln-gan defending-ihe oompar". "I've iwen on th's lier<> line, sir,''" said he, •• .ipivjiivs cl eight veai't., ~ and-—-" " i-lave you, ! indeed?" interrupted*the

raveiler, s-ywpathet ca.ly. Lution did ycu aci on?"

"At what

HIS ONLY TROUBLE

Blanc sat iiisconsolatei,y in tlu smoS* ing-i'oum while <iil the other guests at a o.ui were tangoing l.ka mad " Why. U.ano, what are you doing here? ' Way aren't you out on the tioor tangoing, man?" his host asked. " I do.i't tango," Blanc answer.3. "You don't tango? Incredihte. How on earth is it that you , don't tan c 'o ?" """Well," Blanc said, sadly, "I'd. lika to-tango, and I wou.d tango, only ; the music puts .lie out and the girls, get iu aiy way." MTG iIT HAVE U E£N WORSE. Pat was sauntering homewards from his labours, one pay day, when he passed a quarry where seme blasting was being done, Jusi as Pat passed a blast came and bL'W «ono or his hands clean off. Tlid quarrymen quickly gathered about and condoled with him while awaiting the an.i.ulanco.. "What a terrible thing!" cried one of them.. " Oh. well," answered Pat, phi'oso* phirallv, " it mutht ha 3 been worse." "How's that?" asked the man. " Shure, it-ought ha' been the other hand, te wan wid my wages in'tit 1° HIS BIG MISTAKE. The apoplectic little man pounded the counter with his apoplectic little fist. "I never dealt here before and I'll never deal here again!" he shouted. " Tlie management hero is rotten,'. You bavft nothing, nothing! I'll try once more. Have you any tomatoes." " No, sir, sorry, sir," replied the clerk. • • . "What? Not even in carjs?" " Not even in bottles." Tho apoplectic little man crushed his hat down further on his and hit his moustache- until thf* blocd came. He consumed the list in his hand. " I'll give vou another chancel FTnve you any potatoes? Think carefully now!" " Not a potato in the place," said tho clerk apo!op' , tica I lv. "Ye g<xls! WeM, I'll give vou one more chance. T'd like to see the end of this. Havo you any sug-ir?" " Not a grain, sir. Sorry, sir." The apoplectic littlo man down on a stool aud let his list flutter to the floor. " And you "call this a grocery store 1" he said tauntingly. " No, sir," corrected the clerk mildly. "This is a cigar store." Tho apoplectic little man roiled off the stool in a fife.