OUR BABY'S BATH.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11026, 14 March 1914, Page 3

OUR BABY'S BATH.

(By CLINTON YORK.) Disregarding four or five pairs of projecting feet and knees, _ my wife Jane'reached the "off" side of the open Walnut Street car just as it was once more getting tinder way. Her abrupt- move could mean nothing but " wron>; car" to the watchful conductor. lie frantically signalled the motormc;i, who applied the brakes with a jerk. The passengers, though eager to bo on their way, stopped short by striking in unison against the seats ahead, .fane clung to a convenient masculine lapel, and called to me: " Don't forget to boil up a new nipple, and be sure to put it in the boracic acid." .' „

I waved understandingly. The conductor clank-clanked I And Jane and the Walnut Street car proceeded down the hill.

Gripping Jano'a written instructions and tne Holt book, I went confidently back into the liouso for a morning's practice on our baby, Jano 11., just going on eleven months. Ever since the stormy departure of our ebony twice-a-week washer * lady, Lily Mitchell, wo have been getting along without a laundress for the several usual reasons, and the inconvenience of a slack legal season down at the office has been partly offset by a certain amount of money-saving-the-housc-work at home, hidden away from a prying world. My particular job included Jane ll.'s regular.supply of clothes and the preparation of her daily menu of modified milk. It makes it easier under the circumstances to call the mixing and bottling "domestic chemistry," and when it comes to running the washing machine, if you are wise, you will pretend that you are once more stroke oar on the old raft back on Buck's pond. It helps. For a week, Jane I. had' been expecting word from her sister, who lives in Ware, ten miles up the river. It was one of those cases that are mighty serious while they last, but fortunately usually end with congratulations all around and "both doing as well as could be expected." . in anticipation of the ovent, Jane I. had been putting me through a course .of nursing for a week, and if the mes- ' sago hadn't come one day too soon—j just the day before " Lesson VII., (Bathing and Dressing"—l should have been fairly competent to assume command. As it was—do you remember i that old motto in curly gilt letters on the Sunday school whll, " A little child 'lhall lead themP" | Jane 11. had had her 6 a.m. bottle ' »nd was quieting down for another f ileep before her morning bath, when | iny brother-in-law, Burt, called us on Itbe 'phone, and Jane I. had to get ready to go. I followed her around while she got dressed and did my best to remember some of the things I was to do and was not to do. Not that there was much dari<?er of my making a tnistake. Jane had written, out four pages of instructions. They didn't leave Jane 11. or me unguided for a tingle minute of the twenty-four hours. They wero tighter than a Tammany Barbour contract, and for details, they Would have made the specifications for New York's new courthouse look like the plans of a. portable garage. We limply couldn't go wrong. Besides, I bad the Holt book. That was supposed i*° cover all extraordinary situations ithat hadn't occurred to Jano, if that lirere possible. \ I kissed Jane I. good-by© and watchad her take the car without a misgiving; I had Dr Holt, and Jane's manuscript under my arm, and furthermore, |§ne or two little theories of my own i'were to be given a try-out. I have glways felt that my wife took Jane 11. .too seriously. | It being 8.15, it was necessary for [me, according to Jane's rules, to sneak into Jan? JL s room on tip-too to look

at the thermometer. Two ( degrees oltlior side of a certain Hl&rlt indicated whotlier I was to -take off the blue woollen MaiiM itltogotlior, or wliottior X was to take off th© bin© woollen blanket and put on tho flannel blanket in its stead. Ana don't wake up Jano II." At 8.20 I proceeded with-- the mixing bottling. That done and. in tho refrigera-

tor, I, took a two-mile row across Buck's pond and hung tho whit© and shining result—the regular thirty-eight —on the lino to dry. Jane 11. hadn't awakened yet, and things were going like clock-work. I had evidently pulled a stronger oar than usual that morning, for I had fifteen minutes to spare before the rules called for Bathing and Dressing. Jane I. had allowed too much time for the bath anyway. It peeved me to have her take it for granted that I wasn't to be trusted, and what's more, I could never see why she herself needed threequarters of an hour for the ceremony. Jane I. spent too much time' during the bath singing, 1 ' Hopp! hopp I iiopp 1 Pferdchcn lanf Galopp!" and tho one about " Bettler hat dfer Hund gebissen,'" to get done quickly. If a person can't wash a baby's head and face and neck and bo careful of the ears and dip the rest of it in the tub (elbow test) and pat dry, following up witli a generous application, of boracic acid and stearate of zinc, in less than three-quarters of aif hour, including clothes, it's time somebody showed him how. And Jane I. had allowed me an hour and a quarter! I lighted my pipe and went out to talk with one of my neighbours, Frederick Bates, who was sprinkling his zinnias. Frederick is a bachelor and paying teller in the Mercantile Trust Company. Ho is a mild-mannered, italicised, proper man, and takes his position so seriously that the bank usually gives liim an extra week's vacation. It is cheaper than nervous prostration and breaking in a new assistant teller. •

Once, when Jane I. had gone shopping, I had called him in to let him see me feed Jane 11. Since that time, he had shown so much deference to my expertness {hat I decided to give him an exhibition of a real American father in full action.

"Good morning, Mr Smith," he greeted me. "How is Jane II.?" "Fine as silk. How are the zinnias? I am this morning," I announced; "Mr? Smith has gone up to Ware." . v "Indeed?"- Bates mixed awe and admiration. , " I want you to com© over in about half an bour and try our new billiard table. I've got to bathe Jane 11. first, though." The new billiard table, which we had ordered for Jane 11., had arrived the night before. Jane I. was opposed to it on the ground of expense, but when I argued that it would entertain Jane 11. watching us play and would .be nice for her when she was older and was good exercise and only cost five dollars down and sixteen cents and six mills a day for a year or so, she gave in. But she looked over my last winter's overcoat pretty thoroughly first. "Has it come?" asked Bates. "Well, I shall be right over. Do you know, Mr Smith, that there is nothing I should like to do better than to fee able to play a good game of billiards. In fact, I have always contended that a man'couldn't call himself a gentleman if ho couldn't play at least a decent game. It's a curious fact, but the reason I cannot play better is entirely due to my friends. Every one of them is au export and some of them are champions. Only the other day. down at the Travellers' Club, Bill .Howard said to me, ' Bates, you've got to learn how to play. Get a cue.' The trouble with pool is, it's too short. I broke, and Bill Howard ran off the fifteen balls. Of course he explained each shot, but it is mighty expensive learning that way. I shall be glad to come over."

By tho time Bates had shown me his zinnias and had picked me a bouquet of nasturtiums, I found that" I had overstayed Jane I.'s schedule. But a half-hour is long enough to give anybody a bath if you stick right to it. . Bates had asked how much Jane 11. weighed now, and had made some offensive observations about the weight of a baby belonging to a friend of his. We hadn't weighed Jane 11. for two days, so I decided to take tho time ro get out the scales in order to give Bates her very latest figuro when he came over. Besides, his friend's baby was a boy, anyway. It didn't take long to get Jano ll.'s clothes together—Jane I. had left them piled ready on the stand—and everything would have gone all right, if Jane 11. had behaved herself and had shown a spirit of co-operation. Instead, she woke up the minute I went into her room for the tray of toilet articles. She never did that when Jane I. got her bath ready, and I resorted it.

She cried all the time I was taking off her nightgown. It was the first time I ever saw Jano 11. act prudish. She simply wouldn't be undressed. Sho screamed and struggled and slipped through my knees and protested to the high heavens against the outrage,

and those confounded little buttons in the back escaped through my lingers every time she jumped. Why anyone in his right mind would put such buttons on a human garment is beyond me. If tho top button hadn't come off and the button-hole lower down hadn't ripped, I'd have had to leave that nightgown on for a bathing suit. 1 had the worst time, though, with tho particular piece de resistance called the band. It was a sort of sleeveless jersey without buttons. I couldn't get her head through tho top, and her arms wouldn't come loose without breaking. I put her back in the crib while 1 went downstairs to consult tho Instructions. Jano had it on her list all right, but didn't go into details. All Dr Holt said was that babies should never go without tho band for the first eighteen months. I was willing

to lot I>r Holt have his vav about it, but wbon I went back, I found JfliiO IT. lin<i gofc one arm loose lierself. lYitli that startj IpM thin (S f the rest of the way, despite her obstructive attitude.

Jane 11. stopped crying during tlie weighing, "but it didn't help much, because _ sho mistook the scales for a baby jumper and hopped up and down so hard that the pointer wouldn't stand still long enough to bo read. Wo always weighed lier in the little white enamel bath tub—not full, after Archimedes' -tinciple, but padded with a blanket. We subtracted the tub and the blanket and the rest was Jane 11. I estimated that she weighed about two ounces more than that other baby. Just then Bate-; rang the door bell, and I wondered why the fool had come so early. I had invited him to como over in about a half-hour 1 " Come in and help' yourself to the tobacco and the billiard tablo, and what time is it?" That last was puro cussedness. It embarrassed Bates.

" I am sorry to bo ten minutes late," he called up. "It's twenty-five minutes past eleven." And w<s hadn't started the bath yett

" Tho cues are back of the door. I'll be down in just a minute." (If bo would only keep from ruining the cloth 1)

If Jan© 11. hadn't started crying again the minute I began to fill her tut, I would never Lav© ma da ilw mistake, but a man can't be esrpected. to romemtjor oYorjtlringt. Ttow is no trying to roll up a shirt sleeve for the elbow test with a baby like Jane 11. on your lap. I had to take her back to the crib once more. A man's lap—why the devil didn't Jane I. mention the rubber bath-aprou on her list? We

were all ready for the launching, when Jane's protesting heels struck the edge of the tub and the contents landed in my lap. I had inadvertently left tho tub on the 6cales.

"Is there anything the matter?" called Bates.

" No, I was just emptying the tub. Why? We're almost through." Then Bates began moving the furniture about down in the dining-room. "Oil! Oh! Mr Smith!" ho fluttered. '' The ceiling has sprung a leak. What shall I do?'"

"Catch it in your hat," I directed sarcastically above Jane ll.'s uproar. Of course, I apologised immediately, but things wero getting on my nerves. A dent in a seam of the tub made it useless, so there was nothing to do but to give Jane 11. a sponge bath or swim her in the big tub. We were well by the ears when Bates called up again. "It's past my lunch time, Mr Smith, but I shall come back as soon as 1 am through." "Don't hurry away unless you must," I answered. "We're just finishing." v "No, 1 shall be back later," lie insisted. I may be wrong, but Bates's tone seemed to lack some of his earlier awe and admiration.

Except for the dressing and Jane XL's continued screaming, the rest of the bath was a 'success, though wo both worked ourselves up to a point where we needed wringing out when wo got through. I tucked her in and turned reverently toward Sleeca while I thankfully remembered that she always took a long nap right after the bath. From downstairs in the dining billiard parlour, the cuckoo clock noisily proclaimed that we had had a thorough one. Two hours and forty-seven minutes I Bates got back before I could get rfiy clothes changed. I wouldn't atftnit that I hadnt had my lunch, because I wanted to prove to Jane I. that in a well-regulated home there was time enough for pleasant social intercourse, and I hated to leave Bates alone with that billiard-cloth.

Upstairs, Jane 11. was ignoring all the rules and ivas demanding admission to tho game. She soloed, she chorused, she antiphonatcd. I brought her down and liela her. She re-echoed. I hated to impose on a guest, bat when it was ray turn to play I had to givo her to Bates to hold. I could see that he was getting nervous and didn't seem to be enjoying himself, so I threw all our rauch-boasted, scientific upbringing to the winds, and walked that baby and recked her and tossed her and sang and even forgot myself in the presence of ladies. Jane 11. just drew on all her latent powers and kept one lap ahead.

I began to get scared and telephoned for Doc Hayden. Ho was out at the country club playing golf, and they agreed to send a caddie for him. According to the book, Jano 11. was allowed forty minutes crying a day for lung development and temperament, but more than that indicated that somethins was wrong. When the telephone bell rang Bates was shooting, and I had to take Jano 11. to the telephone. " Say, Doc, there is something " " Is that Jane 11. making the racket?" he .interrupted. "Yes, and " " Feed her, then."- Ho slammed up the receiver. Holy Cat! Feeding number two should have como right after the bath I I handed Jane 11. to Bates and told him to tako lier upstairs. While the milk was warming, I boiled up a new nipple according to Jane's parting injunction. But Janell. would not eat. She grabbed the bottle out of my hand and pushed it half way down her throat. Then she let out one roar and gave the bottle a throw. It struck an iron bar on the side of her bed, breaking off short, at the neck. I heated some liioro milk as quickly as I could—l had that 11.15 bottle to spare—and tried her again. She repeated everything except breaking the doctor, while I took her temperature. I was about ready to give up and leave it to Doc Hayden, when Bates camo up the stairs with a forefinger aimed accusingly at page 174 of the Holt book. "Dr 'Hayden is coming," ho announced, " but I have sent for a nurse and the ambulance from the Mercy Hospital. That baby lias got incipient coimilsions."

I gasped. "It says so right here," he affirmed. " Get a tub of w arm water ready," ho

ordered, reading impressively, " x«nd put somo mustard in it. Am wo must be calm and test it. '"Without this pTCWUtionj' ho read? i7 n | th f exc * te ~ ment of tho moment illlfllltS llftVO qiientlv been nut into baths so hot that serious and almost fatal burns havo boon produced.' " - " One of us will havo to undress her,"* I suggested humbly. Bates fled for tno mustard water, and after the first button, I finished tho undressing with a pair of scissors. The mustard bath didn't relievo her a bit. Jane 11. simply tore things up. Bates so far forgot himself in tho excitement that ho "Smithed' me. " Smith, sho's gaining on us, and they're not here yet. Tho book says to wrap her in hot towels." While Bates telephoned again to the country club and the hospital, I filled the gas-stove oven with Turkish towels. Then things began to happen. Doc Hnydon arrived in his automobilo and came to a skidding stop without regard for tyres or curbstones. Bates, berating Central, assisted Jane 11. in perfecting an uproar loud enough to muffle tho gong on tho ambulanco as it dashed up tho hill. A scream added to tho variety; Jane 1.1

Sho didn't stop to explain then that everything was all over and all O.K. at her sister's and that it ivasa gin", and that she thought she might bfc neded moro at home. She and the docnrW Up the stairs and reached Jana Il.'s <loor nose and nose. ' 1 bife stillness suddenly filled, tho house. I grabbed a hot towel from tho oych and stumbled up the back stairs as fast as my nerveless legs would permit. Doc Haydeu was just coming out. Jane was sitting on the edge of tho bed with her hat knocked over on one ear. Jane 11. was in her arms and already half way through her seveu and a half ounces of modified mijk.

I am a strong man, but I collapsed. Jane 11. finished the last drop with a contented, sleepy gurgle. I looked at Jane- « ... "A miracle, Jane! How did r Jane was as pityingly scornful as she could manage with one eyo "Hindered " by the tilted hat. • " I punched a hole in the new nipple." She looked the rest. • I smelled smoke and withdrew hastily to extinguish the oven. Out in front, Doc Hayden was shooing away the ambulance, and from the kitchen window I could see Bates busily sprinkling his zinnias. .