THE WEEK.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 10536, 10 August 1912, Page 6

THE WEEK.

Judging by recent cable messages Turkey must be just about cooked.

There is a whole world of logic and poetic justice in tho cabled decision of an Austrian community to tax bachelors for the maintenance of a hospital to save the lives of children.

For twenty yeiars 'twas a Tory song That Liberals' Budgots were far too long; But if Libs, from loquacity weren't exempt, What can be said for Jim's first attempt ? And however much the, papers might grudge it, They had to find space for the Tory Budget.

Auckland is starting out to boom the exhibition to be held in 1913-14. You always notice that when a city gets a bit above itself it holds a big exhibition. But then Auckland is quite one of the weirdest delusions on record.

Some members of Parliament are anxious to have more free copies of "Hansard" to distribute among their constituents. The idea of the average member of Parliament that the average man is burning to read " Hansard " is one of the wierdest delusions on record.

Tho Lyttelton Harbour Board has been discussing the improvement of the fog signals at the Heads. There have been occasions when it seemed that fog signals ought to be installed in the room where the Board, sits. More than once lately members of the Board have shown symptoms of having severe fogs inside their own heads.

'" Mother," said the young hopeful, looking up froin the "Sketcher" paga of "The Star," "they build boats now with glass underneath, so that you can see the fish laying on the bottom of the sea."

" ' Lying,' Johnny," corrected the mother gently.

"No, I'm not, mother," protested Johnny; "it says so here."

Published remarks about recent Conservative rallies, and the great one in Wellington in particular, betray a curious ignorance of the meanings of the word "rally." Liberal politicians have made a point of the fact that a rally is frequently a re-assembling of routed forces. But it is not in that sense that the word should be applied to Conservative gatherings. Reference to any respectable dictionary will show that the verb "to rally" often means "to rail," and the chief purpose of the Conservatives in holding a rally is to rail at their opponents.

X northern paper states that an old settler is going to petition Parliament for a reward in consideration of work done in draining swamp lauds. -This, no doubt, is a genuine claim, but in the old days compensation was sometimes paid for drainage work that was not done. It is recorded that a settler once petitioned a Provincial Council for financial assistance in draining certain lands, and he stated in support of the petition that he had crossed' the land in a boat. This, as it happened, was perfectly true. He had a punt on one stream and he wanted to take it overland to • another a mile or so away so he harnessed a horse to the punt In which he sat and in that way was dragged across the alleged swamp. He got the money.

During the week Mr Hornibrook has been quite cross witli the Dental Association because it refused permission to one of its members to lecture at hfo rooms. The object of the Association in regulating public lectures by its members is to prevent its members from getting too many cheap advertisements. But the dentist who didn't lecture and Mr Hornibrook himself have got far better advertisements out of the incident than would have resulted if the lecture had been delivered. The massive disciple of Sandow is one of those modest men who do not seek notoriety, and probably he is crosser with the Dental Association for forcing him to advertise himself than he would have been if hia name could have been suppressed. Like most Irishmen, he hates a row, and it must have been extremely distressing to him to have to tell the Dental Association what he thought of it. "The Week" doesn't know what Mr Hornibrook actually does think of the Dental Association, but whatever it is he has the satisfaction of knowing that the public agree with him.

"Every purchaser at our shop will receive a gift" is a common sort of business advertisement and it was the sight of such an announcement in a window that inspired a Scotty to tell what he said was a true story about his native town. An enterprising man opened a flash shop in the town and put up a sign-board with the legend : "Everything from a needle to an anchor—free drinks to all new customers." One morning an old kilted Highlander step's in. "Good morning—what can I do for you to-day?" asked the shopman. "The wife tell't me to get a darain' needle." "Here you are." 1 " An' she tell't me to gie ye this egg fox't." "Right you are." The Highland man lingered. " Anything else you require?" "Na, but I notice ye gie free drinka to a' new customers." " Well, you could hard'y expect it on such a small transaction," protested the shopman. "It micht be mair the next time." "All right; help yourself," said the shopman. He brought down a bottle of whisky and a tumbler. Donald half filled the tumbler, but hesitated. " Anything wrong with the whiskyP" "No that I ken o', but I aye pit an egg in afore drinking." The shopman handed him the egg bartered for the needle. Donald broke it into the whisky, stirred it up with his Skene dhu, and drank it off with great gusto. " Did ye notice onything particular about that egg?" aeked he. " Well, now you mention it, I did. It had two yolks," said the shopman. " Ayo, ye're richt. And 'am thhikin' ye'll be awin' me anither darnin' needle!"

THE BOLTING OP TECDDIKATIM. (" Westminster Gazette.") In those days oame Teddiratha, Chiof of the Bull-Mooseveit Indiana, Pungent aa a, Prairie Oyster, linging- like a Ragtime ditty, To the Lodges at Shee-Ka-Go, Where they held the great Palaver To elect a chief among them— Super-Chieftain of the Indiana.

To the God of P&rty Battles Prayed the soul of Teddiratha: "Mako me coyer than the coyote, Coyer than the coyeat coyote, Mae flamboyant and more naming Then the ebiefest flamingoes, lii tho day of Armageddon Make me unaccommodating, Make mo stubborn and unyielding:. Far moxe wooden than the ivoodchuk, Bullier than tho big bull bison; Let mo vanquish Pow Wow Keep It, Once my friend, but now moro bitter Than tho prickle-hearted alee, Let me beat him to a frazzle. To a frayed and febrile frazzlo. As an e£g is locked arid' aizzlod

In the shaping of a cocktail, As a lemon yiolds its life-juio© In the whirl of a Manhattan;

Let ms teach him what it feels like "When a bull mooso dances on you, Does a two-step on your body, Does a "Boston-glide across you; Lit me haze and bunny-hug 1 him, Turkey-trot him through tho Lodges, Yank him by the scalp and tote him To the plains of Outer Darkness." These and other pbasant notions ' Craved the soul of Teddiratha

For the doom of Pow Wow Keep It.

Loudly shouted all the Indiana At the Lodge? in She'e-Ka-Qo When tho chieftain Teddiratha Fiercely entered the Palaver, And they waved aloft his totems, Golden bears and big- bull mooses, , And they marched around in sections Saying '"Rah" lo one Mother, " 'Rah " and other observations, Moaning " We for Teddiratha," But they voted Pow Wow Keep It.

Very -wrath was Teddiratha At iho voting of the Lodges, At their choice of Pow Wow Keep It, And he flung into their faces All the verbs that he could muster, All tho adjectives of action, All the iridescent idioms Of the bnckwood and tho prairie. Then he called his braves together. All the true Bull-Moosevelt Indians, Saying. " Let us to our wigwams, Since tho stubborn folk around us "Will riot stampede at our bidcTinjj. Let us bolt from out the Lodges, Let us make a new Palaver." Thus departed Teddiratha Raging like a Ragtime ditty From the Lodges at Shee-Ka-Q-o, Leaving placid Pow Wow Keep It Smiling like a summer landscape When a thunderstorm has left it.