ROSIE GETS MARRIED.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 10236, 19 August 1911, Page 2

ROSIE GETS MARRIED.

(By BRUNO LESSING.) IThere is a ocster ballad entitled ** Never Introduce a Bloke to Your l<ady Friend." The lament of Mosher Elholem has never been set to music, although it deserves to be. It is as - heart-rending as the coster ballad, and while it runs somewhat in tlio same • etr*in is infinitely more painful because it fs true. " Mosher's own account is ,-, quit© graphio and needs only a word * of" nreface. Ivosie Cohen had an everlasting r: . twinkle in her eye, which, to one versed in the ways of womankind, would have betokened mischief. Neither Mosher - Eholem, Chaim Levine, nor Charley - Lefkofr.. hoyever, was versed in the " !ways of womankind. Furthermore, her father was quite wealthy, 'quite antc- ■ cratic and quite persona non grata to *' Rosie's many suitors.

• ! "So I says to der old man"—we . • take up Mosher's narrative—"' Mr .„ ' Cohen,' I says, ' I love Rosie, unt she says she likes me. I get tventy dollars "" a veek. I vould like to get married vit w her/ He gifs me a cold look in der 7 ' jeye unt says: ' Mosher, don't be a fool. jDnt don't belief vot Rosie says. She iss going to got married vit Chaim Lei'vine. He iss a business man unt not :* little boy like you.' [ "So I goes to Rosie vit a sad on unt :■ jfiftys, 'Rosie, don't yon like me better las Chaim Levine?' ' Sure!' says Rosie, '['but vot can I do? Papa says I got •' Ito marry vit him, unt dot settles it 1' t' But, Rosie/ I says, ' maybe if ve talk ider matter over dere iss some vay—•' • 'but Rosie only says: ' You got to run iavay now. Here comes der profes- ,»;. f "Alvays ven I vant to talk vit her tom€S der professor. He vos a musicker !.. from Hoboken vot gafe her piano les\.'.Boaa. He had long hair like a lady, • unt looked just like a silly. But he vos % a fine musicker. Efry times he plays ~! der piano der tears used to come in *: -Rosie's eyes. 'lt gifs me a pain in »»• :der soul I she said. ;> 1 "So, anyvay, I goes avay, unt I '. talks it over vit Charley Lefkoff. ■:-' Charley P No, dot ain't a Yiddish name, unt I don't know vare he got i- it, but he iss a Yid chust der same unt k loafer. Such friends as ve vos I My I "'*•■ Ve lifed in her same room on her top *' floor, unt half der time he didn't haf a chob unt lifed on me. But I had Buch a opinion uf him I vould gif him ~ my shirt if he asked. ,"" " So, anyvay, I talks it over vit him. \ 'Vert shall I do?' I says. 'Chuck it '' op,' say 3 Charley. 'No girl iss good i X- enough to haf a worry ofer!' ' Char- I r ley/ I says, 'you come vit me to-mor-row unt I let you see her. Den you vill sing anodder tune.' So der next flay I takes him unt gifs him a introduction, unt ven ve comes avay he gifs " a vistle unt says, 'Mosher/ he says, - • 'she iss a peach 1' Den he asks me to ** take him again, unt I says, ' Sure, I I villi' Fool dot I vos! Unt efen ven • I calls by myself vun day unt finds him Sere I didn't suspect not'ings. Mister, X got a good heart. Nefer vould I suspect a loafer until he gifs me a kick. "So, anyvay, I brings der subt; fleet up again unt says: ' Char- .'• » ev > 7 m are smart. Tell me vot " I should do/ ' Mosher,' he says, so innocent like, ' Mosher/ says he, ' I haf a *V great scheme. Rosie says der vedding /. .vit Chaim Levine iss fixed for next veek. All vot you got to do iss to in- <\ Vite Chaim Levine to come up to our room. Den ve lock him up in der ■Z closet unt you go to der vedding. Ain't dot a scheme? Vender old man j sees dot der,groom don't show up he ''"' vould sure be glad if you 6ay: 'Mr Cohen, don't vorry. I marry Rosie 1' /" i "You can say vot you like about |* Charley, but he hass got a head on his ui shoulders. So, like a fool, I says it iss ;• a fine scheme, unt I lend him ten dol- .*■ lars because he iss broke. " So, anyvay, der next day I vent to <„, tee Rosie, unt 1 vaited a whole hour ~i Because der professor vos dere, unt dey »*d to do so much talking about der ' M , fimsic. Unt den I say to Rosie, C ' Jtosie/ I says, 'if you like me better * r G& Chaim Levine I haf a scheme.' Unt iiosie gifs a jump mit joy unt says, chust like dot. 'Oo-o-ohl' line says, ' I know all about it. Charley fcolcj, me. I t'ink it's a fine scheme 1' • " 3&er next day ven I called I didn't haf a chance to talk vit her at aIL she vos so busy vit der professor. 'I got jv to loin a new'sonater/ she says, 'unt .:<. you better run avay. Voteffer plans i you make iss agreeable vit me!' - 1 -- " So, anyvay, Charley unt I make all iJj der plans. 'Der first t'ing/ Charley ■ c Bays, ' iss to hire a carriage to vait *r around der corner uf der vedding so dot voteffer happens you can depend vit it. Maybe her fadder gets too fresh, unt : den all vot you unt liosie got to do iss lo run avay. See? So 1 says: 'Surel pot's A number vunl' Unt I goes out by der livery-stable unt hires der car- • nage. Der loafer made me leaf, ten dollars deposit. ' Der next t'ing, 5 says Charley, ' iss to lend me enough money for to hire, a swaller-tailer/ ' A swaller-tailer?' I says. 'Vot do you need of a swaller-tailer?' ' Ain't I gotter be best man ' der loafer says. ' Unt '"' do you vant me to come in overallsP" Veil, I didn't see vot's der use of it, ._.. but I says: ' All right, Charley. Der idea is yours, unt 1 ain't got der heart .»-. to say no. So come along unt rent der ■waller-tailer. Say! Dot cost me eight dollars, unt I had to leaf twenty dollars deposit.' i " So, anyvay, comes der night uf der \ jredding, unt I says to Charley, says I, how do ve get Chaim Levine -sfco come up by der room ?' ' Leaf dot ?fco me/ he says. ' All you got to do ■*"_' fVenhe comes in iss to say, "Mister 'Levine, if you don't belief me, open w liot closet unt see for yourself." Unt Ven he opens der closet, Bing! In mit , trim unt look der door!' Den he vent ■- .out, unt I put on der swaller-tail vot •I rented for myself unt got all dressed fcp. Den I takes a drink uf viskey, E- #»«oause, you see, it takes courage to k a man in a closet, unt I didn't ow if he iss a good' fighter. "| " So, anyvay, up comes Charley, unt • Chaim Levine vos vit him. Say I De '■■' fray dey vos dressed up vos like a house ,f * knre! Dot feller Levine had a reg'lar - Soolery store in his shirt. ' Hello, Misier Snolem/ he says to me. ' Charley Jays you haf a vedding present for me iunt Rosie vot costs so much money dot 1 haf to come tor it myself!' So I -. pays to him, ' Mister Levine, if you i- flon't belief me open dot closet unt see for yourself 1' My! You should of seen der qvickness! He gafe vun chump .unt der closet vos open. Den I gifs ■him a push—Bing!—unt der. closet ■ door iss locked. ' So! Mister Levine I' { says, ' nefer again vill you get fresh tint marry a girl vot likes some vun Iwtter as you. You stay in dere, unt I goes unt marries Rosie myself. Den jve come back unt let you out! If I can't get back in a couple uf hours "I send Charley back vit der key. Hey, Charley?' Unt den for der foist time & sees dot Charley ain't in der room! pay I Dot vos a shock. I don't know taot did it, but somet'ing gif me a feelnig in der heart dot efry t'ing vosn't vot it should be. " Charley!' I yells, _ unt ' Murder ! Help I' yells Chaim Levine. 'Shut up!' I says, unt ' Let me out!' says Cffaim Levine. So I says to myself. ' Dere isa 3o time to be lost/ unt I runs for tier oor. Vot do you t'ink? Der door vos looked! Say! If der, vos vun mad Juan in der world just den it vos me. I kicked unt yelled unt made a terrible iioise, unt Chaim Levine did der same. Unt after a long time—maybe an hour —up comes vun uf der neighbours Unt asks vot's der matter. ' Open der door!' I yells. 'Qvick! Get all der keys you got!' Unt pretty soon somebody gets a key vot opens der door, unt

out I goes. * Vait a minute!' says vun uf der neighbours. ' Who is dot odder man vot's yelling "Murder"? Vara iss he?' My, but I had to t'ink qvick! ' Dot's a crazv man vot i locked in dor closet!' I says. 'He t'inks he iss going to get married, unt I must ran for a doctor!'

" So, anyway, I runs like mad to dee vedding. It vos in der Oriental Hall on Essex Street. Unt so soon vot 1 get dere I notice clot somet'ing iss wrong. Der people vos standing around der room talking vit vispersl I looks around efryware, but dere iss no sign uf Charley, unt I says to myself, ' Mosher,' I says, ' you are injier nick uf time I' So 1 goes to der little room off der corner vare Rosie's old rnan iss eating sandwiches unt drinking champagne, unt I says to him, ' Mr Cohon,' 1 says, ' I liaf been told dot somet'ing bass happened. To make a long story short, it iss said dot der groom didn't show up.' ' Veil/ says der old man, ' dot's largely true, but, in der foist place, vot uf it; unt, in der second place, iss it any uf your business?' ' Sure it's my business,' I says. ' Didn't I told you already dot I vos anxious to get married vit liosie? Veil, I am uf der same mind yet. Unt as long as Mr Chaim Levine didn't haf der good manners to show up, I am villing to take his place.' Dor old man gifs me a look. Den he 6ays, 'Mosher, I don't give a 1' Say, you orter heard him svear I ' I don't care,' he savs, ' who marries Rosie. Go unt marry her if you like. Only der foist qvestion to ask iss, Vare iss she?' " Say ! Somet'ing inside uf me busted reu he said dein voids! I got pale all ofer. 'Vare iss she?' I said after him. ' Ain't she here?' ' No,' he says. ' She send me' a note vot says she hass gone off to get married mit der man she lofes. So dot ends_ it. Marriage iss'marriage, .unt lofe is lofe, unt if dot fool girl ain't got no better sense as to mix dem up, 1 vipe my hands vit der whole bizness. lint now, young man, if you vant a sandvich unt some champagne sit down unt eat it, unt if you don't, please go avay, because I am hungry unt thoisty !' My I How I felt! Of course I knowed vot had happened, unt I knowed who vos der loafer! . " So, anyvay, I goes out foist _ unt looks to see if der carriage iss vaiting around der corner. Sure enough it ain't. I didn't expect it, but I said to myself, ' Charley Lefkoff, ven I lay my eyes on you again, dere vill be trouble.' So den I happens to t'ink uf poor Chaim Levine vot suffered even more as I did from dot loafer Charley Lefkoff. I go back home. A s soon as I come in I hear der voice in der closet. 'Murder! Help!' he says. 'Let me out!' 'Yes, Mister Levine,' I says, ' it's me, unt I haf come to_ let you out unt explain der situation. Den I opens der door, unt der next minute, before I coutld say a void, clot feller punches me in der nose, and knocks mo down. Den he gifs me a kick unt says: ' First I go to get married.. Den I go straight to der station house unt haf you unt dot loafer friend uf yours locked up for kidnapping me. Unt I sue for damagee.' Say I I vos so veak I could hardly speak. But in der loudest visper vot I had I said, ' Go, you loafer 1' "So, anyvay, Vile I vos looking around, der room to see vat der damage vos, I sees on der floor a letter vot somebody stuck under der door. It vos from, Charley. ' Forgif me dear old man/ der loafer wrote, ' but I couldn't help it. Der moment I seen Rosie I got crazy about her, unt she told me she likes me better as you. Ve haf gone to Hoboken vare she says she hass a friend, unt to-morrow ve get married together. Much obliged for der loan uf der carriage unt der swal-ler-tailer. I send it back to-morrow.' "Veil, mister, belief how I felt! Unt den, chust ven I vos going to bed, who comes walkin' into der room, but Charley Lefkoff, vit a long face? Dor moment he sees me he jumps back to der wall, unt I see he hass in his hand a club. ' Vait, Mosher,' he says. ' Vaitl Before you speak voids vot you always will be sorry for, listen to mel I am Borry for vot happened, unt I don't blame you for getting mad. But I bring dis club along to protect myself. All I vant iss dot you listen.' ' Veil/ I said, as cold as I could, ' vot haf you got to say?' " ' Mosher,' he said, ' dot Miss Cohen iss a liar. She makes a fool out'n you unt me unt Chaim Levine. I takes her in der carriage to Hoboken unt ve go to her house uf her friend, unt who is dere but dot loafer uf a professor? Unt der vay she jumped in his arms vould haf made you sick. " Charley," she says to me, " forgif me for playing a choke on you unt Mosher, but it vos so much fun I couldn't help it. But diss is der man I haf alvays loved, unt ve arranged to get married to-night." Say, Moaner, 5 he said, 'it made ma sick!'

"So, anyvay, for ten minutes I didn't haf a void to say. Vot could I sayP I chust "looked at Charley, unt he looked at me. Den I says, ' Charley/ I says, ' be so kind as to take off dot swaller-tailer.' Unt he took it off,

Den I says, 'I guess, Charley, maybe re better let bygones be bygones!' Unt Charley says, 'Sure!' Den ho site down unt goes on to tell me all his troubles. Unt ran he ain't looking I sneaks behind him unt gets dot club. Unt say! All hie life he vill remember der crack on der head I gif him!"