FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 10236, 19 August 1911, Page 4

FUN AND FANCY.

' Ho: "I dreamt last night that yonr mother was ill," She: "Brute! I heard you laugh in your sleep." "Pal" "Yes Willie/' "P*, how is it that my hair has grown longer than yours when yours has grown longer than mine?"

" 1 see that a battleship is reported fast in the mud." " Well?" "I was just thinkink that a ship fast in the., mud ought- to be a record breaker ort the open seal" -i "The most considerate wife I ever heard of," said tho philisopher, "was a woman who used to date all her let--ters a week or so ahead to allow heir. husband time to post them."

"Happiness," declaimed the philosopher, "is the pursuit of something, not the catching of it." "Have yoa ever," interrupted the plain citizen. " chased a late train on a rainy night P" " I want to ask one more question," said a little boy. " Well?" queried Aii / tired mother. " When a hole comes in a stocking, what becomes of the piece of stocking that was there befor* the hole came?" '' You know Jones, who was reputed . so rich ? Well, he died the other da*. . and the only thing he left was an old Dutch clock." " Well, there's one good thing about it; it won't be much trouble to'wind up his estate." " I am going to ask your father foil' your hand." " Oh, that will be lover ly." " You are gladP" "Delighted! . J will call and bring you flowers every day until you are able to be out again. ■ I have never eeen the inside of a noa-' - pital." * ;' . .Editor (to artist): "I refused thiß , drawing a year ago. Why do you bring / it here again?" Artist: "I thought you would have had more experience •'■•" by this time, and know a good drawing when you saw it." "There is no use giving you. a/ cheque, my dear. My bank account ia overdrawn." "Well, give it to me. • anvway. George. And, say, make it for £IOO. I want to pull it out of my; shopping bag with my handkerchief at. • the bridge game this afternoon." ''.'■■',.» "Come, Willie," said his mother, "don't be so selfish. Let your littl* brother play with your marbles a : while." But," protested Willie, "h<. . t means to keep them always." "Oh, L' think not." "I know he will. 'C&us« ; • he's swallowed two o' them, already." The New Manager (fresh from Scot- ; land, to head clerk): "Ye did yersel' '. no harm recommendin' that place for ~ lunch. I had a fine blow oot for ten- •. pence ha'penny, wi' a nice young lady to wait on me. and, d'ye know, I had ■ the luck to find tuppence on the-'V, table!" '"".-

The whistle of a locomotive can be ;i heard 3300 yds, the noise of a train :.: 3800 yds, the report of a musket and; • the bark of a dog 1800 yds, the roll of - a drum 1600 yds, the croak of a frog 900 yds, a cricket chirp 800 yds, a dinner.: bell two miles, and a call to get tip in the morning 3ft 7in. -.•- " Everybody, you know,' eats nu-i--peck of dirt'before he dies. "That was the ancient estimate. You re t . hundred years behind the times. In " these davs of dairy farms, sausage fao-.-tories. pie bakeries, railway lunch counters, glue jellies and fruit oan-> • neries everybody eats his peck of dirt'«' once a month." '. \ AH would-be teachers before entering college are obliged to pass an entrance ... examination. Among . other subjects. - they are examined on physiology and' - hygiene. On a recent occasion, in an- ; swer to the question, "What is the ; proper time to bathe?" one of the can? i didates, a young lady, wrote: ' Th« : proper time to bathe is in the suidr: mer." " /"' A batch of Rhodesian policemen were; travelling up from Buluwaye'to Salis-: ■ bury before the railway was built, arid,, at one of the "outspans" were exam- \ ining the washing of the various pieces ). of clothing, which they had done, at » •■■■: wayside spruit. Pat X was turning' 1 • over his shirt very critically, when » ~ comrade remarked, " That shirt doesn't,\ look too clean, Pat." ".No, be jabers3 ;. answered Pat. "1 was just thinking It * I've washed ut on the wrong spider" - ;•'■;. When charged with being drunk and \ disorderly, and asked what he had to^' ! say for himself, the prisoner gazed pen-'j sively at the Magistrate, smoothed down a remnant of grey hair, and said: >?■ "Your honor, 'Man's inhumanity ta ■' man makes countless thousand* mourn." ;• I'm not as debased as Swift, aa profli- ; ; tate as Byron, as dissipated as Poe, as • ebauched as " <r That will doI" T? thundered the Magistrate. " Ten day&l >. And, officer, take a list of those names. s,~ and-run 'em in. They're as bad a lo* as he is!" QUITE DIFsijRENT. \S. Oh, be preached it from the housetop*, Uis , 'he whispered it by atealth; • . • ••• He wrote while miles of stuff againat. tke .■ *wful curse of wealth. =• He shouted for the poor man, and b* i*n -- the rich man down; '*-'»"'" And also every King and Quean wio daw . to wear a crown. ' -=' He halloaed for rebellion, and he said «^ h;ad a band To exterminate the millionaire*,- to cweap•, them from the land. ''■-: He yelled against monopolies, took ibota ft* every trust, ' ' • And he swore he'd be an anarchist, to pinl . them in the dust. He stormed, he fumed and ranted, till am '- made the rich man wince; BuV—an uncle left him money, and he has»*» shouted since. THE YOUNG MAN'S TACT. ' " The man who was having his pictui*-:. taken in the photograph gallery w»»,,v an innocent listener, to this converse-: tion between two young ladies on the other side of the screen: v " You know. Kate, I sometimes wear; a long curl hanging down the back ol my neck." < : "Yes." " Well, when Phil was calling on tn# the other evening he asked me if* he might have that curl, and I jokingly • said ves. Before I knew what he wa* about he had taken a little pair oj scissors out of his pocket and dipped it off close to my head." " Why, the idea! Didn't thai make you furious?" "Not for the smallest fraction of » v second. I thought it was splendid of. him that he didn't seize it and pull it off." SWATCHING AN EDITOR. "I hear Shakespeare got half-*-crown a word," said the poet to the editor. "Would you care to pay me that?" "No, I should not," declared the... editor. "Still, I don't mind paying ■< half-a-crown a line. Would that do?" :':■; "Fine!" declared the poet. "I'll be in again to-morrow" The next day he turned up with the following:— John John Yearns, Pops. Jane Jane Turns Stops, Eyes Both Meet, Wed, Love 'Nuff Sweet. Said. " That fellow's got too big a braht for a poet," sighed the editor, as he .. asked the cashier to pay him two - pounds. WORTH SIX AND EIGHTPENCE, ANYWAY. "Do I believe in lawyers?" said the ■: little man bitterly. " No, sir, I do> not." " Why is thatP" somebody asked. " Because," replied the little man, ' " " a lawyer will never say outright whatrhe He twists things about so. Suppose be wanted to tell you that two and two make four. He would begin: 'lf, by that particular arithmetical rule known as addition, we desire to arrive at the sum of two added to two, - we should find—and I say this boldly, without i'ear of contradiction—-I repeat, ..... we should find by that particular arithmetical formula hereinbefore mention- ~. «I—and, sir, I take all responsibility for the statement I am now about to : _ make—that the sum of the two given, added to the other two, would be four.' I No, sir, I do not be.liere in lawyer* i" -.'„