FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 10092, 4 March 1911, Page 4

FUN AND FANCY.

First Tramp (at the workhouse); "I say, have you taken a bath?" Second Tramp (anxiously): "No, is there on* missing?" t Editor-: " Did you interview the leader of the suffragettes?" Reporter; "I tried to, but she wouldn't talk." Edie tor: "Wouldn't talk? Good heavens,' man, was she dead?" / The wife of a clergyman warned him as ho went off to officiate at a funeral one rainy day: "Now, John, don't stand with your tare head on the damji ground; you'll ca\.?h cold." l The Good Man: "Do you; know where little boys go who throw stones afc birds?" The Bad Boy: "Rather. goes whfcre there is birds. Didn't think they went down in a well, did yer?" * Gladys: "I am afraid you aren't ai pretty as nurse." Mamma; "What! makes you think so?" Gladys} VWe'f*/ been walking in the park a wholojiouiv and not a single policeman has kissed} you." ,' | "How do yott like the new oatmeal\ soap?" inquired the barber, wielding) the lather-brush with extraordinary, freedom. "Seems nourishing," tho, customer replied, with a splutterp I've had my breakfast.". , \ Farmer's Wife (to motorist whos* machine has struck a fence and thrown\ him forty feet into the yard): " Did) you have an accident ?" Motorist (picking himself up)i "Bless you, nojY that's the way I always stop." 7 One morcing a group of lahourersl were discussing the peculiar articles! used by men in prehistoric times. One man said he always wondered why, stone coffins, were used for dead people.} "Bedad," exclaimed Pat, "don't yea' eeo. a atone coffin would last a dead man : all his life." .(■ Two Irishmen were oat shooting with one gun between them. Tlie man with" the jrun saw a "bird on a twig, andtooki careful aim at it. "For the lore of. Heaven, Mike!" shouted the other "hun-v ter, " don't shoot 1 The gun ain't toad-*! ed. ; ' " I've got to," yelled Mike. " Tho bird won't wait." , I Mr Littlerest: what did'i you tell me was your special treatment) for . sleeplessness ?" Medico: "We . strike at the causo ft? the origin of the trouble." Mr Littlerest: "You don't say so! Well,.you will find the "baby in the ether room. Only, don't strike at .him too hard." ,■.-'.■.. i

Grandpa had been playing wjth little Jessio, and suggested that she should go for a walk : with him. Jessie expressed her delighted approval of. the plan. "Go and get ready, then." said grandpa, " and I will wash my pretty face," he added facetiously. Jessie looked at him in gravemtrpriaa. "Ohl grandpa," she said, "have you two?"

The girl asked the polite salesman if' lie had good cheese. "We have some lovely cheese," was the smiling answer. ■ "Yoi Bhould not say lovely cheese," she corrected. " Why not? It is," no declared. "Because"—with a board-ing-school dignity—"lovely should be used to qualify only something that is alive." <'*'Well/' he retorted, "I'll stick to lovely." A Scotch nobleman once took an old servant, who possessed strict views in. ; regard to spending the Sabbath, to a very High Church Ritualistic place of worship m London, The following day his lordship asked him how he had enjoyed the service. "Weel, my lord," answered Jamie, "the music, floo'ers and fal-lals were unco graii', but, oh' my, it was an awfu' way to spend tho Sabbath day." "Anybody calledP" asked a young solicitor when he returned from lunch. "Yea, sir," said the office-boy; "seven of them." "Good gracious!" excitedly ex'jlaiined the young solicitor. "Did you teil them to call again?" "Oh, they'll come back right enough/', said the boy; " two were canvassers for" private Christmas cards, one was the; < rate-collector, another, the butcher,with , ihis aocouht, a. traveller in' pills,', and" the iwp parliamentary candidates!" v Tift'.celebrated Abernethy, who "was ■ ,■", noted for his bluntness, thus questioned, a youthful but exceptionally muscular Aspirant for the diploma." "Mr -—-,- if yom were present when a man'was, ' blown lip by an explosion, what would . be the first thing you would do?". " I ; should wait till he came down again. "; sir,", replied the student. "Just so,' . said Abernethy, entering into the spirit of the joke. "And suppose, sir, I were to kick yom for the impudence of your answer,'what muscles ihould I put in motion?" "The flexors and extensors' of my right arm, sir; for I should floor, you instantly 1" was the replF- :■ Old' William, the- man-«f-all-work, is ;very much married, and it is an open secret that every quarter his wife cbme3. up to the house and receives his wages. J. A few weeks ago his master was en-' deavouring to persuade him to accept a money payment instead of the daily allowance of beer which he received-. ," Why do you refuse?" inquired his' employer. ." I offer you half a crown !'.'a week ; and that is worth more than your pint and a half of ale a, day." "Yes, sir, that may be," replied William ; " but s'posing I did as you wish, sir, the', old woman would get tha money, while now Ido get the yale." , A GOOD SHOT. ' A sportsman of great imaginative gifts, and fond of telling his exploits, related that at one shot he had brought down two partridges and a hare. His explanation was tnat, although he had. onlv hit one partridge, the bird, infalling, had clutched at another part- - ridge' and brought that to earth entangled in its claws. "But how about the hare?" ne was " Oh," was the calm reply, "my gun kicked and knocked me backwards, and I fell on the hare as it ran pastl'f : IN ADVANCE. "Doctor," said the caller, "I'm a victim of insomnia. Can you cure,' me?" ,'..'' "I can," replied the physician. " But before I take the case I want to ask you one question. Are you in business for yourself, or do you work for others?" i-"l'm-employed in a grocers shop, answered the patient. ' "Then you'll have to pay in advance," said the doctor. "I'm not doubting your honesty, but after I get through with you the chances are you will sleep so soundly you'll lose you* job. Then you can't pay me." CAUGHT IN A TRAP. On Christmas Eve a kindly father . went in the darkness end silence of' midnight, in pyjamas and bare feet, I to tho bedroom of his two little sons. I Ho had hi* arms full of toys, sweets rind picture-books, and big wife helped him to carry them, both smiling pilyBut a minute after the father had entered the boys' room he gave a ter< rible cry. "John, John, what's the matter?" cried his wife. " Oh," he gioaned, "I've caught my foct in a rat-trap 1 A nice place," he added, reproachfully, "for a rat-trap,. I must lay!" . \ " There, if I didn't forget!" the wife exclaimed. "Willie told me he was f soing; to set it to catch Santa Claus 1' i CAPPED. A woman in the slums of the city of., Glasgow was once induced to attend a ■ mission service. The preacher's subjesli on the particular evening was the story of Lot's wife, and the newcomer was intensely interested. \ Next morning she told her neighbour j where she had been the previous even* \ ing; and then, with mingled awe anq wonder, related the incident of th* woman who looked behind her ana turned into a pillar of salt. Now, although the story was new t« her neighbour, still she did not marvel - at ifc as if it never had been paralleled. " Why," said she, " I saw your friend ' Mrs Craig going along the High Street on Saturday night, and she stopped, and she looked in front of her, and then she looked behind her, and* she tome** into a publio-hous•,' ,