FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9913, 30 July 1910, Page 4

FUN AND FANCY.

Gentleman (hiring valet): " Then I' t understand you have some knowledge ' of barberins. You've cut hair, off and on?" Applicant: •" Off, sir, but never on." "Bobby," cried Tadley to his younff hopeful, angrily, "my father used t4 whip me when I behaved as badly si you are doing." "Well," answered Bobby, thoughtfully " I hope I'll novel, have to tell my little boy that." "A wonderful man is my uncle,"' said little Binks, "so very original and witty, xle says he called his dor ' Sausage' because it was half breads his goat 'Nearly,' because it was a$ butt; and his prize cockerel 'Robin* son.' because it Crusoe." . ' Do you know the difference b* tween this steak and a locomotive Pasked a diner of a waiter at a restaur* ant. The attendant shook his head. /VWell," continued the consumer, "it's * because the locomotive has a tender part, and the steak hasn't." "The people I lived wid before, ma'am." said the new cook," " was very plain." " Well," asked her netf .employer, "are we not plain here?' 1 "Yea are, ma'am, but in a differentway. They wuz plain in their way Sr livin', not in their looks, ma'am." Meeker: " Did you tell the cook that I grumbled about-the foodP" Mrs Meeker: " Yes." Meeker; " What did she sayP" Mrs Meeker: "She said I might inform you that there wer© no ■ strings tied to you, and if her cooking didn't suit you could lake your meal! 1 elsewhere."

"Do you see the horizon yonde?, where the sky seems to meet th« earth I" "Yes, uncle." "Pot, I hav« journeyed so near there that I couldn't put a sixpence between my head and. the sky." "Oh, uncle, what a cram* msr!" "It's a fact, my lad, I hadn't on© to put. Tramps " Madam, I have come out of the wilderness to locate work." Lady: "Hump! Well, I oan give yoqi plenty. Chop that wood, and——" Trampi " Beg pardon, ma'am. I said I was merely trying to locate It. Now that I know It still exists I shall r* turn to the wilderness." Tommy was going round with til® , clnb subscription list, and asked hid father for half a crown towards th« funds. Being rather deaf, the fathef said, " Come round to my other eat.'* Tommy: " Father, give us five shillings fqr our cricket club." Father! " Coma back to the half-crown ear, my lad l" "You ran into this man at thirty miles an hour and knocked him forty feet," said the Magistrate. " Thought I did more than thitt," answered the chauffeur. " Why didn't ' you slow down?' 1 "Mere precaution vous Honor. Once I shut off speed and hit a man so gently that he was able to climb into the car and give me a licking." !

Jones, after having ridden far an<S fast, stopped at a little wayside inn to hare a wash and some refreshment,After having washed, he looked round the room for a _ towel, but seeing only) a uirfcy one lying about, ana being rather particular in his ways, asked the, landlady for a clean one. Yer wanttf a clean towel, does yerP Well, I like! that. You ain't particular, you ain't. Some twenty oda oyclists tffied s thai towel afore you came 'ere, none of them complained about it, and yotf ain't 'alf as dirty as they was." At this Jones mopped his face on hi* handkerchief and rode off in March of fresh quarters. I

At a Yorkshire inn there is » pianisfr who can vamp to any song that an? singer wishes to sing. He cannot read a note of musio. Yet, in the local phrase, "he can play owt. Recently, however, he met with an unexpected check. A new volunteer hummed over, the air, but the pianist failed to get thel key. " Let's try it again," h§> said,! and they tried it again. Btill it waß no use. A third tri#! brought no bettep results. Then the pianist turned on tM singer in and ©aid: 4 Sitha* aw've tried tha' on t' white 'una, aw'rf tried that' on't black 'una, an aw've tried tha' on't black and white 'una mixed. It's no use; tha's singing bo< tween the cracks." WHERE RAIN IS WANTED. . A tourist, while travelling through Arizona, noticed the dry, dusty ay pearance of the country. " Doesn't it ever rain around here r* he asked one of the natives. •'Rain?" the native spat. "RainP, Why, say, pardner, there r s bull-frogs liJ this yere town over five years old thai hasn't learned to swim yet." WHERE HE WAS INTERESTED, A big, able-bodied man of about mid die age shuffled into the Poor Latf Guardians' and curtly bade tha clerk ejood morning. . \ "Wot d'yer mean," he began, "by knockin' orf poor Widder Snagg's parish pay? She's an workin' woman, whose nose is in th| washtub all day, an' it's a t shame to rob 'er of 'er lorful rights. The clerk took down a big ledge#. ! and silently consulted it._ _ " Mrs Snagg has married again, hj« said, " and the guardians have decided that she is no longer entitled to out? door relief; and, in amy event, mj man," he added, sharply, "I should like to know if the matter is any oon- ! cern of yours?" _ ( " Concern of mine I" the m a n repeated. ""Well, I should rather thinla so, guv'nor. If you stops the old lady's pav, you stops my daily ounoe o' shag an' quart o F beer too! I'm 'er noa 'usbandl" CALLING ON THE EDITOR. An editor can usually take a joke well as anybody, but there are time« during the rush of business when he 1A apt to miss tlie point of the joke foi somo moments. ' Such an instance happened recently in an Australian up-country newspaper office, which resulted seriouslv for tha ioker. The ioker in question happened to be the editor's own brother, whom ho hadn't seen for ten years. He cam< to surprise his brother and to pay him a short visit, and, being more or less .given to practical joking, he determined t't wait upon his brother in the guisa m tho " foiler what wants to lick the ©ditor.*' ? \ f He was a big, strapping man, well fitted to enact such a part, and when ho forced his way into the editor's private office he had his hat pulled dpwij over his eyes and a cigar elevated at an angle of forty-five degrees, causing liim to look very fierce. " Is this tbo editor?" he asked, as hat faced bis brother. . __ "It is," replied the other. Wliafa can I do for you ?" \ " Nothing," returned tho nerce-looK-ing man. "It's me what wants to do tor you. Are you prepared to take'a good licking P" "Charmed, I'm sure!" repbed th« editor, and with this he picked up a portrait block and slammed it into tha visitor's face, knocking him under the tabic. The foreman in the composingroom had a roller in his hand at thfl time, and, hearing a strange noise in. tiie office, came running in just in time to stand on the stranie man's chest and run tho roller over his face. When tho man came to his senses he oxp'niiuv;! his little joke, disclosing his identity, and all is now peace and joy, barring a piece of his ear that is miss» ing whero tho stereo glanced off hii h> tul. . _ It t-ock some tame to get the ink on his face, and his chest is still a little tender where/ the foreman's numb*" elevens tin eked it up, but otherwise h' is <!o : ng first-rate.