THE WEEK.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9736, 31 December 1909, Page 6

THE WEEK.

person named Dr FreyWrgef states that the stomach is a use* W'.flfl^'-Welli there may be someWwg m it.

This same medicoi when conducting in- inquest at Battersea/. stated that * i»an could get'on very well without a Ilj^atsh, and a gastronomic enthusiast f-rfW oj^soldier to boot—at ojioe rose l|p in his wrath and volunteered to fenduot a «eries of protest meetings at th^ best restaurants for an indefinite /Pvriod. ' . '

This business of the modern educa[don for our boys is a distinct relief to stljfc. conscience. It makes, the gentle •rtvdf lying easy, . The "modern'* tftx: .nowadays maintains that when he |(IJ» *?No» sir," re really means "Nos, #"r and "nos" in . Latin means ;■'?:*♦!' and "oui" in French means

fusions, apparently, are confined to tfie rich. "Tb« Week" has a vivid .recollection of Mr Andrew Carnegie dedlanng that it is a disgrace to die rich. •*The\Week " never contemplates such •n awful fatality in its own case^ but it is forced to scratch its head thoughttftiXfy at reading that Sir Thomas Lip- , fc(m has declared that it is a good thing io be born poor* What is a poor devil .i ■

WHO WAS HE? Pit way was long, the night wa« cold, met a mtn, infirm and old, ' A lighted lamp in either hand „•«• carried, and I bade him "Stand." , • Diogenes I" I cried is joy, /"■What doat thou here, my dear old boy? "Deft seek to find an honest man? rfftiih, ttethinkfl you hardly can!" " " Hot so! One man I Bought aud found Ere I'd half-trod the world eround; But hopeless now I work in' woe, man, PBeefc a really truthful woman." with bowed, bent back and footsteps slow, E* wandered on— he'd far to go.

Procrastination may be the thief of : fcime, but when the Day of Judgment pomes it may be a useful art. As wit>M: "Late? Bill's always late," the man on the platform at Waterloo. "Mart me, when the las'

clay comes an' Gabriel's blown about three notes on his horn, Bill'll ask him to hold on a bit while he goes to Esliok's and gets a box o'' lights or a

packet o' fags or something. An' a good job for him if he gets the adjournment."

There are Solomons even on the Amerioan Bench. This was proved the other day when the prosecuting attorney in a case complained that a witness could not be sworn because the sheriff's bullpup had chawed up the Court Bible. But the Judge was equal to the occasion. "Make the witness kiss the bullpup, then," he said ; "we can't adjourn the Cfurt for a week just to hunt up a new Bible." This incident took place at Frozen Dog. x -

The "Family Doctor," in wicked defiance" of the Bible, has decided that it is possible to ado! a cubit to one's stature. "All we have to do," it says, "is to take a deep breath, and while inhaling raise both arms over the head ; then take three sniffs." If this prescription is reliable, we ought soon to have a populace with thei* heads in the clouds. Meantime. the "Family Doctor," lest a worse thing befall, had better go and put its head in a sack.

Three crows sat on a gat?. Said No. 'l:v"Here comes a keeper with his gun." • Said No. 2 : "So it is. Let's bo off." Said No. 3: "That's no keeper. Stay where you are.'' Bang, bang! Numbers 1 and 2 fell dead. As No. 3 flew away he muttered to himself, "I'm shot if they weren't right." , ' , ;_ This anecdote has a distinct application to the recent political stonewall.

Two of the most diffioult problems of life &ve recently been solved in the police 'courts. At the Westminster Court a " gentleman " has been defined as "he -who smokes a sixpenny cigar," and at Southwark it has been explained that a new-laid egg is one less than a week old. " The Week " has known sixpenny cigars that could, give an oldlaid egg six months' start and beat it for 'odour. But these little things are cent to try us—after we have tried them.

In M. Paderewski's new symphony, produced at the Queen's Hall, a brass instrument called the " sarrusoplhone " was used, "which gives a peculiar dark colour to the orchestra," .to quote a daily paper's notice of the performance. Musical critios will now be able to write, about art with some justification, for some enterprising person will be sure to go one better and introduce a new sort of 'cello which turns the orchestra pink ■or green. But under this delightful colour scheme, what's the matter with the audience looking blue?

Mark Twain "Don'ts" :— Don't attempt to punish all .your enemies at once. You can't do a large business with a small capital. Don't say, "I told you so." Two to one you never said a word about it. Don't worry about another . man's business. A little selfishness is sometimes commendable. Don't imagine that you can correct all the evils in the world. A grain of sand is not prominent in a de.sert. Don't mourn oyer fancied grievances. Bide your time and real sorrow will come. Don't throw dust in your teacher's eyes. It will only injure the pupil. Don't worry about the ice crop. Keep cool and you will have enough. Don't borrow a coach to nlease your wife* Better make her a little sulky. Don't imagine that everything is 'weakening. Butter is strong in this market^ Don't publish your acts of charity,. The Lord will keep the account straight. Don't colour meerschaums for a living. < It is simply dying by inches. -'

'.-' Misembryanthemum " writes : — "Apropos a 'Week* paragraph embodyihg some dreadful polysyllables, the awful German language is not the only offender in hideous compounds. When I was in England some years ago, a cousin of mine, who is in the chemical trade, showed me a trade paper with the awe-inspiring compound di-ethyl-di-methyl-di-amado - benzo - phonone. He su^ested that we should try it on the Telegraph Department, and, being in the mood, we both adjourned to a country office, carrying the paper' with us, and despatched a wire to a friend in Manchester as follows: — 'Wire lowest quotation for diethyldimethyldiamadobenzophonone.' We tendered a sixpence for the despatch of the message, and it was promptly challenged by the youthful operator, who insisted that the word was e code one and would have to be charged pro rata. We bluffed the kid, however, with a sight of the paper, and explained to him that it was an aniline compound. On this showing he despatched the message. Then the fun began, and for weeks we were in receipt of demands from the Postal Department for the sum of fivepence underpaid. It must have cost the Department at least two shillings in postages to. try and recover that fivepence, but we still have it."

There is a foolish belief that all abuses can be met and all evils removed by legislation. But men cannot be made moral by Act of Parliament, and the essential virtues — kindliness, coura.se, unselfishness — flourish in a community or are absent quite independently of the written law. Indeed, in a sense, excessive law-making encourages 'awlessness. When the natural man is forbidden to do something he has never dreamed of doing, he is likely to ritated into a desire to do it — "Exores*."