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Star (Christchurch), Issue 9508, 3 April 1909, Page 3

Snicker : " I dreamed last night thai I was a millionaire." Kicker: "WeK r I might as well have been one for all the sleep I got last night." "I was always interested hi airships and flying machines, so I bought a theatre." "Why did ypu do thai?" " A theatre has wings- and flics.** When an Irishman wm charged *t Acton with assault, he said : " 1 dicta* touch thetaian. He tried to forofe him* self into my house, and I threw him out." ; There is a man in a .Midland town. whose- name is Burst. It' is a misfortune that would not have attracted ' roach attention if l[e had not called his two children Annie May and Ernest Will. . There's a poet (and what could be wone?) yfb.6 makes love to a sweet little nnxee; When "tt,poe'm."li6 calls her, She replies, "Not st all, sir! For to you I am sraply a" verse.' 1 Bailie: "Well, what happened aftop • the prisoner struck you this smashing • blow *on the nose?" Witness : . " He struck a third blow at v me." Bailie:' mean a second blow, rarely?" Witness: ">No, I don't. I got one in betweenV'Y " ..-.•■ :f?:Millie,'Vi said" the ydung man, as -he slipped the 'engagement ring en her finger, "have you told your :, mother -: about this?" "Oh, 'you innocent I" , exclaimed Mice Millie. ."Whyv Clar* ence, Cmajnma kn^w it six months before you did !'' -v ■ , y -' ,-A Northampton schoolmaster has re? ceived the following note from a pupiPS .mother :—" Honoured Sit,— Johnny^ clin't come to school to^da^. Tester^ day'another boy threw ;a. stone into Bis eye, and he oap't see out or it. Will you see into itP" V Two members of i/he bs(r: Doyle antl Telverton, quarrelled and came tot blows. Doyle knocked Yelverton down twice and exclaimed: "You scoundreli I'll make you behave yourself like a gentleman!" At this, the ether rose, screaming? "• No,, sir, never 1 I defy you, I defy you 4 You couM not do it V* . " I've walked many miles to see you, sir," said the "tramp, "because people told me you was very kind to poor chaps like me." "Indeed," said the genial, white-haired old man. "And you- are going back the same wayP" " Yess, sir." " Ah. Well, just contradict that rumour as you go*, will you?;! Good-morning." ■ . „ Overheard at the foot of Southampton Street last Wednesday: — Page: "Ere what's the good o'vou turmnja up? I- whistled once." Cabby : " Well; I thought as-r-i— " Page; "Once 13 for a taxi, ain't it?" Cabby: "Yus." Page: "An' twice is -for a 'ansoitf?'* Cabby: "Yus."- Page: "Well, whenV we wants you we'll send yer a postcard." % ,-•■. . . Landlord (to tenant): "Good morning t sir. Just called to see if it would be convenient for y<xq to settle your quarter's rent." • " Do you., know, land- , ford that none of the doors in this house wil^ shut?" "New house, sir; new house, you know, takes time to settle.". "Ah, 1 then, ttiere'sa pair !tt us^ Fm a new tenant; it takes Hiime; for me to settle, too. Call again, please." t . ' -. , A certain Hereford fanner had as old horse that', he wanted to sell, so, having doctored it up to niake it ap* pear as young as possible, he, declaring the animal to bqt ten years old, soon found a purchaser. The latter, before taking "away the Jiorse, told t^e farmer that he should like to ask the carter m question-or two. . Imagine the surprise: of both- buyef » and seller whan th*t worthy, in reply, to a question «s id the qualities of the horse, blurted out: " Why, maister, I've knowed thuf Boss for twenty years, and I've never laurtr* ed un kick or bite."