THE WEEK.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9315, 15 August 1908, Page 4

THE WEEK.

__&p<H»j-d in the hand is worth two bu tiie tote.

N When tho man who hits you runs *wa& lrjm after hiio. Yon needn't do •your best. . '■

"Hare you dined yet, 6ir?"-demand-ed the steward of the polite Frenchman who showed obvious signs of having" differed internal discomfort. "No, on tho contrary," Was the gentle and Jong-suffering response.

This reminds "The Week' ? of an oc•Ottsion when the Canterbury football team returned from Wellington on the Takapuna one Tough Sunday. Hottest George Mason was in oharge, and having fed himself nobly at the midday meal ho proceeded to account for his tefem. ,^ Wrapped in misery and rugs upon one of the hatches lay two stalwart forwards who are now lookers-on. Shaking Bernie by the shoulder George asked: "Is there anything you want?" ••" Yes>" came a sepulchral groan from the sufferer, with a ring of never-to-bo-forgotten emphasis about it, " bring xne the blooming earth."

R§^sbtly at the Magistrate's Court fa dairyman, in explaining the presence ef water in some milk, stated that if a c«w graaed on moist land the effect •wo-*|td';jbe to add water to the milk. iWhert srill a progressive dairyman irri-gate-vps pastures with a drop of " the " fluid provide his customers with •whiaky and milk?

Week's tame poet escaped from his* *cell last evening and perpetrated the following -outrage before he could T>e s^ptured : —

SIGNS OP SPRING

i Spring is coming, spring is ooming, . J c*fi he-ru* tho bees a-humming, -__-**-_. •#_» bookies on the corners day by day; _f\>r ;-tiho oloom is on the wattle, ■ __nd tile cock has left the bottle. And _aa_iy a first offender has a Are-bob fine to. pay*

For at all tho trots and races, ) Wke-re ihe jfee»gees show their paces, JTlUere. is grief and pain, for all at eventide; [Pot -th* bulb plants are a-sprouting-, And the tot. odds men are' shouting, JTill, cfUT hands feel e_o|rty pockets, and our ;c_a_ has gone outride.

Spring is coming', spring: ia coming.

The Registrar-General is still flirting iwith the population question, and .when Auckland has had time to settle tho American fleet and revise the North Island Main Trunk Railway time-table it wiH probably begin to realise that Christchurch, by taking in Riccarton and tho Star and Garter Hotel, is threatening its supremacy ac the hub bf the universe. Then with a wild Bhriek it will reach out and include Hamilton and Whangarei and Rotorua and the Thames and Mangonui and the iWhau lunatic asylum and the sailors of the American fleet, and onco more assert its supremacy ac the most vastly populated city in the world.

" The Week " used to know a gentleman in tbe contracting line who had a unique and infallible method of deciding how his mind was to bo made up. He Was extremely fond of attending •race-m eetings, but he knows very well that lie would be bettor advised to stay is* ■vjork nnd look after his many busiji_S3'Utißertaki.rig3. On the morning of

a race meeting, however, the old Adam becomes a bit too strong for him, but he does not succumb without a struggle. He goes out into his brick-yard and throws a brick into the air. The fall of the brick decides the matter. If tho brick doesn't come down he stays ab work. If it comes down he goes to

the races

This cable message is really naice : —

ORGAN WEAK

A DISASTROUS EXPLOSION

(By Ananiaegram.)

KAIAPOI, August 14

A disastrous explosion took place at the meat works last evening. Far, far away a miserable yell was heard, and then the show went up. It ie rumoured that there will be no trouble in picking the winner. Ten years ago a similar affair happened, and it wae put down to the cat, (It would probably be impossible to get a more lucid cable than this one. Why the Czar does not make every endeavour to sell the plans of tho coal mine, we cannot -nuake out. Anyway, we have not the slightest doubt that tho burning building will be gutted.)

Now, that was very fine, wasn't it? Next week will be presented the soulstirring and hair-raising cable : —

DID HE FALL? OR WAS HE PUSHED?

The Week was chased all last "week by the insurance person. He was a dreadful man, who rushed in with his pockets bulging and a largo ingratiati ing smile. At first "The Week " thought that he was a poet, and it began to hide behind tho joke machine. But the insurance man knew all about that kind of thing, and ho pointed with a stern, forefinger to a long column of figures in a malevolently red book. " There," he said with the large smile. " There you have it. Payable at fifty. You pay in £3 4s 2£d each six months, and when, you are seventy-nine years old you draw the £50000000000000 and take c trip to Scotland. "The Week " smiled as it listened, to the tale lof how to save money. Then a brilliant idea entered its fertile brain, and it addressed the insurance person. "Did you -.ever see this 6weet poem about the advantages of being dead?" it queried. The insurance person solemnly read the very long poem, and then said, "There are no advantages in being dead unless your wife can draw a premium under our new patent double-barrolled endowment scheme. Then "The Week" gave, up the attempt and took' the insurance person out for the inevitable tincture..