RETROGRADE LIVES.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9209, 11 April 1908, Page 4

RETROGRADE LIVES.

NEW BIOGRAPHIES. EXCUSE.— In the contemplation of Things a-nd the evolution of Things that lived many years ago before the introduction of Trade- Unions, scientists and other absent-minded gentlemen begin with the data supplied by the presentday surroundings and conditions, and go back, step by step, until the goal of the efforts is reached. Now, if scientists in tracing the origin and development of Things use the retrograde system, what reason is there that this same system should not be employed in the study of the lives of great men, who have lived and. died before Out Time. There is no reasonj and for this reason it is high time that .the method should be utilised. Therefore, I haye followed this retrograde system in biographing General J. Cresar, who conquered Britain some time ago, in order to show its advantages over the old, antiquated mode. JULIUS CLESAR. Julius Caesar was the hero of a dramatic work by George B. Shaw, who did not write "The Power of the Cross," and lived safely through five acts, during which he taught a little girl, named Cleopatra, frequently called Pat for short, the way to use a needle, which yesterday stood on the Thames Embankment, London. Some years previous to this he was made the hero of a tragedy by a scribbler, yclept W. Shakespeare, who wrote one or two plays that are still used in Schools for Elocution, where the aspiring pupils try their declamatory powers on them. In this drama by W. Shakespeare, the Swan of Stratford-on-Avon, Csesar did not survive, but died rather early in the play owing to heart failure, to the much sorrow of the matinee girl, who thought that he was such a nice, sad- ! eyed man. These two events, however, are really post-mortem, and only precede the inquest o<n the body of Jule, held before th© District Coroner and a "highly respectable jury," as the daily papers of the period were wont to say. At that inquest Caesar was cast for an unimportant part, he played the dead body, and was not even called on to give evidence, yet, without his testimony, a verdict of " Acidental death " was returned, the jury adding a rider "that the swords used were rather I sharp." The first words from the lips of tlie real Caesar that we know of are : "Et tu Brute," a phrase which being translated literally means, " Oh, you brute ! I thought you were only doing it for an advert." There can be no shadow of doubt { however, that Brutus despatched Julius after that remark. B. thought that J. had punned on his name, and he was not slow to seize a chance to punish Caesar for it. After this tragic affair Caesar stumped the country in a series of political speeches to the electors of Rome. He made the Revision of the Tariff and the Maintenance to the Kinematograph the thickest planks in his platform, and also advocated the construction of electric lines in the main thoroughfares of the city, and the installation of single desks in the Senate. He was offered the throne by M. Antony and others, but he was mindful of the phrase that J. H. Newlyn had used in a letter to the Roman ' ' Argus ": — " Draughty rests the napper that sports the laurel leaves " — and'he refused th© proffered worry. A little later there were rumours that the Socialist party had held meeetings to foster a strike against him, but Jule declined an offer of a bodyguard of the rich young men of the city ; he was too old a bird to be persuaded into decking the gay youths of the city in the expensive uniforms of the Roman Guards, and paying them for roamin' around the urb's parks mashing the nurse girls. After this he went to Africa with a judgment summons for Ptolemy, king of Egypt, against whose father Caasar Had previously obtained judgment by consent for 17,500,500 drachmas. The judgment debtor did not appear, and he was ordered to pay the amount, in default many years of death, the warrant not to issue if he paid 10,000,000 drachmas within ten days after the order had been made. Photinue, counsel for the debtor, rudely told Cssar to "go and mind his own business," and Caesar replied by saying that he thought the Egyptian lawyers were a poor lot. He retired into private life for a few days, until one very fine afternoon he received a pile carpet, and, thinking that the pile referred to cash, he had the roll unfolded, but there leapt out into the limelight a young girl, as the Edison Orchestral Band played "Egypt," and J. christened her Cleopatra. After a little harmless flirtation with Cleo, Jule fought Pompey and defeated him in a ten-round battle, of which a splendid film of moving pictures was taken and shown in the Roman Forum the same night. The preliminaries for this battle took a deal of arranging. Pompey persistently hedged, making numerous excuses, the lamest of which was that the Roman Terror would not fight at 1501b ringside weight. Major Chaffey acted as referee and hie decisions gave universal satisfaction. Cassar entered the ring with great spirit, saying to one of his seconds as he advanced from his corner, " What cheer, Caius Crassinus." (This' was not a slang rendering of "crass stupidity in us," it was the second's second name.) After coHeccing the gate money Julius returned to Europe and turned his attention to the " tight little island," deciding to prosecute a temperance crusade there. On his way thither he visited many cities in Gaul, and found the people bitter" towards " him, but finally he took the turbine steamer at Calais, where a special ferry wharf is built, and landed on the beach on the south of Britain. As he had expected, he found the inhabitants of this tight little island full of spirits, but very poor. Even their whisky was not all that it should have been, although E. Nordonicus, in the "Lodinum Herald" wrote a letter covering three bricks, in defence of the Licensed Victuallers. Caesar left Britain after teaching them how to make political speeches and financial statements, and then he turned hb. attentions once more to Gaul. He fought several contests in Gaul and won some good purses, beating isome good heavyweights. Then, after a short stay m Spain as ambassador, he returned to Rome to participate in the elections there. He adopted an "<wtfu> fence"

attitude between the parties of Crassus and Pompey, and was returned as Consul by a large prohibition vote. As Consul, Jule followed the example set him by the American stetesme/i and did a little wire-pulling, getting Clodiue elected as tribune and passing special Acts to grant the totahsator a monopoly of the betting at the Colosseum. Right into his green days Csesar engaged in political strife, and once hehad to leave Rome for the benefit of his health, Sulla having affected Jiis outdoor exercises. After this Cesar went to school, where he was the idol of his fellow alumni, until his studies were interrupted by his childhood, and finally cut off by his birth in 100 B.C. Jule in all respects was a democrat aa long as it suited his interests, ne was a wonderfully far-seeing man and wrote a deal of Latin prose for use in after years as " impots " in public schools.