FUN AND FANCT.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9209, 11 April 1908, Page 3

FUN AND FANCT.

"Ever try an automobile, JudgeF' said a friend. "No," replied iW Judge ; " but I've tried * lot of people who have." The Rector i " And how would you like to be a clergyman when you grott up, Tommy P" The Boy: "Not for me I I m eick of wearin* things that button at the back." " Did you hear about the defacement of Skinner's tombstone P" "No. Wha* was it?" "Someone added the wor4 'friends' to the epitaph." "Wba» was the epitaph?" "He did lot best," " Tee," said Mrs Mugley. '• I always try to retire before midnight. I do&H like to miss my beauty sleep." "Really," said Miss Knox, " you should try Harder. You certainly don't' get enough of it." ' "■ Mary (angrily) : " I think yon are the, biggest fool in town, John." John (mildly) : " Well, Mary, mother used to tell me that when I was a little boyv but I never thought she was right abotn it, until I married you." " How do you account for the fact/' asked the doctor, " 00 shown by actual investigation, that thirty-ttwo out of every hundred criminal* in the counter are left-handed?" - That's easily accounted for," said the profeaßorT 7 * Tim other sixty-eight are right-handed." "What!" exclaimed the traveller, " you came as ostler twelve years ago* and you're ostler yet! I should ha*» thought that, being a Yorkahireman} you'd have been landlord of the place before now." <( Ah," came the quick response, "but v master's ; Yorkfiijj* tool" Two barristers were accosted »t tße entrance to the Temple by a gentle* man, who asked : "Is that Sleet StreetP" "Yes," they replied. "I thought so." .he remarked. "Then why did you askP" they queried, witfc surprise. "Oh, I wanted counsel** opinion ym it," he answered.. Miss Lamb, sister of Charles, we* fond of mity cheese, and on occasion her brother was commissioned to pio> cure a piece. When he had selected what he thought would do. the shopman said, "Shall I pack it up/'^Mfrr'--"N-no, I— l th-thank y-you '' etjftnmered Lamb; " if — if you — you'll g-give nM a— a string I'll— l'll lead it h-home." One night, at the Duke of Devonshire's, the beautiful Mrs — —was,entreating Lord Melbourne to grant her some favour for a friend. In her eagerness (says Haydon) she seized hold of his hand, saying, " Now, do my deal 1 Lord Melbourne, do 1" Lord Melbourne looked round merrily, and said, "Now, do, my dear Mrs , do let go my hand; I want to scratch my noset w , ''Dad," said Teddy, "it tan>t true. 13 it?" isn't true, my son V 1 asked his father. "Why this about the Pied Piper of Hamelin. 1b it true that he could play on his pipes eo fascinatingly that the rats would come out of their holes and drown themselves?" " Well, I dunno," eaid Teddy's father. "It might be. Your Uncle Tom can play the cornet so that it will frighten a cow into the river, and make all the doge within five miles growl. Yes, I dessay it's true." A big, burly,, fierce-looking man, and a meek, inoffensive-looking little ohap, were sawing timber with a cross-cut saw. A strapping Irishman, passing that way, stopped to watch then. Back and forth, back and forth, they pulled the saw. Finally the Irishman could stand it no longer. With a whoop and a yell he rushed at the big 'man and brought him to the ground, burying hit knees deep into the sawyer** chest, " There," he eaid, letting him have one parting blow on the nose, " now'm'bee 1 ye'll let the little felly her it J" Sceptical Patient (to faith doctor) 1 " How do you propose to cure this pain in my chest, doctor?" Faith Doctor 1 " I shall pass my hands over your chest a few times, then tell you the pain i* gone, and it will be gone." Patient: " Ah, yes I Will you dine with me, dootor? You can perform the cure afterwards." Doctor: "With pleasure!" Patient; " Well, take this loaf of bread and rub it on your waistcoat A few 1 times and say you have had your dinner, and you will have had" it. If the! experiment is a success, we will go on with the chest ,oure."