ADVERTISEMENTS.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9191, 21 March 1908, Page 1

ADVERTISEMENTS.

(By " KALEIDOSCOPE.")'

There is a great fund of humour—* conscious or unconscious — to be founa in the advertisement column* of the daily newspapers. The chief reason, of this lies in the fact that they form thai only part of the paper over which the editor has no control^— short of exclu- ; sion. Let us remember, also, that advertisers are to be found in all classes of life, many of them being quite uneducated people ; and, as will be readily seen, their compositions are thereby greatly enhanced for the general reader and frequently contribute much to thfli "gaiety of the nations." . Add to this the fact that printers, also, are but human, and axe liable, like the advertisers, to make mistakes at times, either in the spelling or puno» tuation, and you have abundant opportunities for extracting humour from what would otherwise be a very doll matter. An instance of the latter kind of error appeared quite recently' ■: in th* " Hastings and St Leonard* Observer " :_" Wanted, a Man and Wife! under 40. Write stating wages ana length of previous character ana reason for living. There is little doubt, toe, that, bad the worthy souls who inserted tne following lines realised the moaning they woukl convey to many readers, they would have altered the wording, ana not have, written, as they did: — "Two . Sisters want Washing. Apply, etc." Matrimonial advertisements, of course, open up a great field for ourkmi and amusing eccentricities. This is no new thing, for in a paper published in England a hundred years ago there appeared the following remarkable advertisement, which is- "here reproduced verbatim:—" Matrimony . — -A Qentleman of Small fortune, and hare been brought up very gently, and of a good character, and of a respectable family, and about SO, and have been brought up in the country, and never been in any trade whatever, and very agreeable, company, liis fortune being but small, taken this mode of some lady that has got a good fortune in her own hands, to the amount of 4 or 5000. ojr more,. thai; wish for domestick happiness, and to be united to a gentleman of strict honour. Sunday and Satterday excepted for an interview^ but letters post-paid taken in. . Direct for CD., No. 5, Barron Street, Pantonj Vile. Lslinton." ' A paper of the same date oorntaina advertisements of a very similar natural - to those which one frequently sees now* -r-e.g., one which informs Mr S. that if he will call b.t No. 10, Street, ; ; on a certain,^ day^ "' he will bear of somQ* hing thai, ynll most likely affora - him much pleasure." But the following is of a type tha# it would probably be hard to match ia the present day, and which leads on# to the conclusion that '" hereby bangs . a tale,'' of which one would like va hear the conolueion: — "If the person does not return* immediately who got intoxicated at the Oakley Arms. Oaks ley Street, St Geprge's-in-the-Fields, on Sunday evening last, . and was brought home m a coach to his situation, by two strangers, and the next day absconded from nis employ, a prosecution will bfej issued against him and certain means used for his discovery." An advertiser of the Same date, writ. Lag from Coachmakers' Ball, Foster Lane, "undertakes the education of youth, and will in. a short time haro them completely formed to appear in the first circles with that elegant anq distinguished ease which is ever attendant on. true politeness and good breed* ing." ' A "Miss) Clark, the great-grand, daughter of/Theodore, King of Ot/f sica/' informs the public that sbjl "takes likenesses at 4 t Oockspur Street, London," But let us return again, to the preW sent day and glance at some curiosities under the head of things "For Sale"; — " For Sale, a Grand Piano by Hoffmann with carved legs-" "For Sale, a Fine Bull-terrier Dog, well-known breed, gained prizes at snows; will eat anything; very fond of children. Ap> ply, etc. Note, also, the following curious announcement * whioh appeared recently on a bill: — " Hunter and Co. 'ft Annual Half-yearly Sale." The advertisements for posts—domestic or educational — are also remaxkablQj at times, as, for instance, one whiclil .-. ' appeared in a Church paper: — "Wan*. Ed, a tall, good-looking Christian Footman to carry a lady upstairs. And another, which was inserted ht the "Irish Times " some few yeari ago:—" Wanted, a Distressed Lady, tct mind and attend elderly lady and make herself generally useful, about house*. Salary, *7 — £B a year to. suitable per* son."* Some amusing lines appeared in " Punch " shortly afterwards in reference tp the above: — Yes, they've oaHad me, ■* yer knot* By a score o' nimes or 90, "SKyey," "G-ea'ral." ( "E»!" "TOW Or, "You, Tintwy." Whioh. I hanswers one an' hall When I 'ears them lodgers bawU But I've never 'card '«zn call _ Me yet a li<Jy. An advertisement whioh onoe oaogjhtj the eye of the writer in a certain welfc ' known paper is a model for comprehensiveness in a very few words *-~i "Wanted, a post as Governess: 'ai thorough knowledge of everything." We how many answers th 4 good lady got to her ad." in the 1 "Sussex Daily" when she informed the public that " A lady having charge of two little boys with ringworm, offers a home and other advantages, to little boys." . ... A spinster advertises as follows :— " A Spinster, particularly fond of children, wishes for two or three, Having none of her own or any other employment." We trust that musical instruments will make a note of an insertion in .ona of the papers evidently . intended for their eye: — "Anyone who has a Cottage Piano which they do not use would confer a very jpreat benefit upon tb.« Young Men's Institute by tending ib . for the winter months. Any Instrument of this kind may apply to tha Secretary." We will conclude this slight sketch of the humorous possibilities of the adi vertisement columns by giving two ap^ peals inserted by young men who, being evidently at the end of their resources and unwilling to do nonest work, seek, if possible, to trade upon "Teligion in order to fill their stomachs andtheir pockets : — " A Young Man advertises for Board and Lodging in a family where hit Christian example would be considered sufficient remuneration." ; " A Young Man would be grateful tqi jnaet with some Ohrigtiwt udx 9^o

would pay bis debts, contracted during his state of unbelief.' 4 We can but trust most heartily that these last advertisers got " more kicks than halfpence" as a result of their j&fforta.