THE WEEK.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9092, 23 November 1907, Page 4

THE WEEK.

Can the man who sits down on a. bent* pin be regarded as a profane upstart?

v Thus do we burn the midnight toil/ said a facetious editor, as he consigned a spring poem to the stove.

Ther- was a young man about town, Whose beard was a mixed white and brown ; When they said, " For two quid .^Take it off!" well, 'he did, Anjj hip family at once turned him down

A Blue Book just issued by the Government shows that no single instance is on record where a man has* been found dead with a receipted doctor's bill in his pocket.

At & newspaper gathering the oth

night the following toast was honoured: — "Tho Editor and the Lawyer — the devil is satisfied with the copy of tho former, but requires the original of the latter."

A man who did not care three shake© of a dead l&mb's tail for th© newspapers is to have ridden fourteen miles, through a snou_torm to get a copy of a weekly paper that spoke of him- as "a prominent citizen."

•jho inevitable curiosity-monger has been hunting out new things in shopsigns, and the very latest he has diecovered is a firm which announces itself as "Dearlovo, late Love, late Dove." Presumably the firm dealt in -omething sticky.

A party of seven enthusiastio journa_ferfcsr took a day of. during the week and: set out for tho Port Hills armed with a Mauser pistol, 1^ a ehot-gun, two revolvers, a pea-shooter and a repeating riflo, swearing to kill every living thing on the Hills. They broke a bottle and badly scared a «hag, but returned- . quite satisfied that the Boer war would only have lasted half as long had thepj been sent to the front as a select odn-ingont.

There is a good deal more in a name than the average statistic and compilation fiend would believe. One of them has been delving among p'hysK.i__.al names, and finds that according to_J^i6...dire-toTy there are in Sydney doctors named Gravestone, Phi-grave and'De'At-h. The same city boasts a dentiff. ___mcd Lugg, whilst Scar^.j

borough goes one better on this with a tooth-extractor named Tugweil. In the face of this tlie ordinary person begins to w r onder whether a man's profession is not often suggested by his name.

One of the absolute novelties of tho century is a printer who drinks. But one was discovered the other day. He had been attempting to cure the influenza, and when he got a "take" comprising a lost dog advertisement this is what he made of it: —

£ DOGSH LOSHT! Keward Five Shtrayed or Shtolen Bandy-coloured. Liver-legged Dog. Had on collar marked " Rover. ' Answer- to name of C.8., Esq. Whoever bringsh 5- receive dogsh reward. No further dogsh will b© offef ed.

There is a subject of King George of Greece who lias been settled in Milwaukee for several years who claims to have the longest name of any man in the world. To his intimate friends he is known as " Jack," but his paternal patronymic is Johann Pappatheorokoummountourge topoulos . Undeterred by this natal disability the Greek is an enthusiastic automobilist. He frequently raises a speed of (seventy miles an bour, and he makes his living by wagering with casual acquaintances that they cannot pronounce his name while his car runs a mile. Incidentally he always wins. This is not a travel>Ps tale, and "Tlie Week" is prepared to guarantee its. authenticity because it knows the make of the motorcar.

It is always an annoying thing to get hit on the head with a brick, though the amount of annoyance naturally varies with the thickness of the head, the weight of the brick and the sobriety of the person hit. As a rule of three snim this problem suggests possibilities for the Civil service examination. Anyway, the complainant who advertises in the " Kreisblatt," a newspaper published at Wiesbaden, seems to have a legitimate grievance. This is what she plaintively asks: "Can anyone favoutue with the names of the balloon ists who, when passing over the village of Ried last Thursday evening, dropped -a bag of ballast down my chimney, and completely ruined a fruit tart which I was cooking. Julia Schmidt, 14, Britzelglasse, Ried."

A story is going tbe rounds of an advocate who scored^oflE a Judge, who will be easily recognised by the description — he had immensely prominent ears — and the exasperated lawyer remarked that " there was nothing to prevent his

arguments going in at one of his lordship's ears and coming out at the other." This, says a correspondent, "sets one wondering how Lamb would have met it, had he had the same rejoinder from the lady on his rigfrt at a dinner party, who, after having made several remarks which met with monosyllabic or mute returns, said, ' But I'm afraid I'm boring r you, Mr Lamb.' ' Oh dear no, ma'am, not at all,' said Lamb ; ' but you may be boring my neighbour on my left, for all you have been saying went in at one ear and out of the other. 5 "

The study of abnormal physical developments is always interesting to the student of anatomy, and the following illustrations should not be allowed to pass unnoticed, although they are only culled from the advertising columns of "The Week's" contemporaries: — "If the gentleman who keeps the shoe store with a red head will return the umbrella of a lady with whalebone ribs and an ivory handle to the slate-roofed grocer's store, he will hear of something to his advantage, as the same is the gift of a deceased mother, now no more, with the name engraved on it." "To Rent. — A hall bedroom for a single woman 8 by 12." "For Sale.— A phaeton, the property of a gentleman with a movable head as good as new." "To Rent. — Furnished apartments suitable for gentlemen with folding doors." "Wanted, an energetic young man for a retail store, partly out of doors and partly behind the counter." And " Wanted, a room for two gentlemen 30ft long and 20ft wide."

Some folks seem to have an extraordinarily primitive sense of humour. A visitor all smiles and chuckles of appreciation interviewed "The Week" a day or two ago bearing the following paragraph: — "A woman's only reason for carrying a watch is to teU how late she is." This delirious piece of humour was not received with the enthusiasm that the visitor apparently expected, whereupon he produced his reserve stock, with the comment, " Well, this one ought to hit you in a weak place." He stood off with an air of conscious virtue, regarding the landscape as if he had been responsible for it, whilst "The Week" read: " Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands." On the old principle of making the punishment fit the crime " The Week " at once advised this would-be contributor to go and fall into the hands of a woman. There is a deep and subtle meaning attaching to this suggestion Avhich will appeal only to the initiated.