FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 8704, 18 August 1906, Page 3

FUN AND FANCY.

Mike: "Be jabbers, ye are after using a lot of matches to light yer pipe wid. Sure, wan box of matches a week lasts me a fortnight!" Mrs Sparrow: " There's always something! Before I was married I used to brood over my troubles, and now. I have troubles over my brood!" Jennie : " I did this hole in five last, week." Jessie : " And I did it in four --didn't I, Sandy?" Sandy: "Am xu> BUTe — but ye baith lie as ye like th« noo, onyway." If the girls would look as pleasant iii general life, especially after marriage, as they do when they had their photo-. graph taken, there would be more domestic felicity, and not so many divorces. • Pa Twaddles: "I can't see why that young idiot who is calling oh Molly hasn't sense enough to go. It's midnight." Tommy Twaddles: ".'OWt his fault. He can't go. . Molly's sitting on him." - , ' . "What did you think of my lecture?" asked a speaker . of an -old farmer. "It was right enough," said the farmer, moodily, "but- a ©Dupleo* hours' rain would "have done it good; it was rather dry." . Father: "Why don't you work, my son? If you only knew how much happiness work gives?, you would begin at once." Son: " Father, lam striving to lead a life of self-denial, in which happiness plays no part. Do not tempt me." ? Lieutenant: " Who's the idiot that told you to leave that pile of rubbish, in front of h&adquarteis?" Recruit •• "It was th© colonol, sir." Lieutenant: " Very well, leave it there. But your leave will be stopped for four days for calling tlie colonel an idiot." : During a military church service on« Sunday eoine recruits were listening t» the chaplain in church saying, " J>fe them slay the Boers as Joshua emote the Egyptians," when a recruit whispered to a cofnp&nloau " S»y>. BUI, the old man is a oit off ; doesni t b* know it was Kitchener who swiped th» Egyptians?" Cyclist: 'Tin very sorry to hear about your husband, Mrs Carver. It's double pneumonia, you say?" Mrs Carver: "Yes, Mum;. You see, he had a dreadful cold, and would go doing a bit o' gardening ; and, instead of coming home to dinner, feeling a bit bad like, he lay dpwn in the woodshed, and that's where he. doubled it." ' A countryman walking along the streets found his progress stopped by a barricade of wood. " What's this for?" said he to a person standing by. " Oh, that's to stop the fever from 'spreading," replied the other, by way or being jocose. " Ah," said the countryman, "I've often heard of the Board of Health, but I never saw it afore." " Doctor, I don't seem to be getting any better for all your mecudma," groaned the patient. " Well," replied the doctor, jocosely, "perhaps you had better take Shakespeare's advice, apd 'throw physic to the dogs.'" "I would, doctor," replied the sick man, as he turned his head on the pillow — " I. wouid, but there are some valuable dogs in this neighbourhood !" A gentleman was introduced at a reception to a charming lady, who, hia friend said, was a countess. The next day the two were passing through some city offices, when the young lady in question was discovered with a pile of bills in front of her. "I thought you i said she was a countess," remarked the gentleman. " I Sid, and she is ooh.eidered one of the quickest countesses in the department."