FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 8375, 22 July 1905, Page 3

FUN AND FANCY.

It's strange what a lot of enjoyment some people get just by spoiling other people's enjoyment.

Before marriage a woman expects, a man . after marriage she suspects him ; after he dies she respects him. "Well," said Dr Kidder, "there's only one way to get rid of insomnia." " And that is?" queried the patient. " Go to sleep and forget all about it."

" What do you mean by saying that cricket causes more deaths than all other sports combined?" "It's responsible for the funerals of at leapt 10,000 grandmothers of office-boys every year." *

Old Gentleman: "How old ar© you, my little man?" Newsboy: "Nearly ten, sir." Old Gentleman: "And how long have you been in the newspaper business?" Newsboy: "Oh, ever since I was a kid." 4

•' Mamma, you caned me last night for whipping Jimmie Watts, and papa, licked me yesterday 'cause Johnny Pheips walloped me." "Well?'.' "I am wondering w>hat'll happen sometime when it's a draw."

Butcher: "I tell you, ma'am, that bacon's as right as you are." Customer: "I tell you it's bad." ' Butcher: " How can that be? Why, it was only cured last week." Customer: "Then it must have had a relapse, that's all."

A certain very mean German went to a railway station booking-office and said: — "Gimme a tiget to Newport." "What Newport?" asked the clerk. "In Wales or in Buckinghamshire?" "I don't gare.. Vichever's the sheapest."

Instructor (at night school) :" What are the chief curses of American civilisation?" Shaggy-haired Pupil: "'Boati the same as the English, only we use 'em more freely in pur common talk than they do. You don't expect m» to blurt J em out, do you?"

In a Durham church on© Sunday th« preacher was reading the announcements for the following week, when tha people' were both surprised and horrified to hear the following read out: " The preacher for next Sunday may; be seen nailed on the church, door."

One to Him. — "I hear there is ft rumour going round that we are enfaged, Miss Johnson." " Indeed, Mr ones? What an insult to me! You, contradicted it at once, of course?" "Oh, yes, rather! I said I. was fool enough for almost anything, but not fool enough for that I" Speaking .of inside tips, they ara telling a story of the little boy and the Christian Scientist. _ The boy was complaining of an ache in his stomach, when the Christian Scientist told him he wasn't ill at .all— that he just imagined he was. "But I know better/* said the boy; "I've got inside information."

A certain office-boy was wont to appear at his employer's office with a very dirty face. One- morning he appeared with the remains of a breakfast around his mouth. The junior clerk, with ao eye to business, said, "I bet you sixpence I can tell you what you had iotbreakfast this morning."* "Done!" said the office-boy. "It was eggs," triumphantly replied the clerk. " Wrong/ said the boy; "wot you 6ee on. my mouth is yesterday's." An old Irishman is very fond of expressing his views on things in genera) » and if he fails to get a listener he will talk to himself. A gentleman who wm much annoyed at his muttering one day said : "Pat, does it never occur to you that your constant talk and muttering to yourself are a great annoyance tor people who happen to be about ? Why' £& you talk so much to yourself?"- --" Sh'iife/ sir^ Oi have two reasons for that." "What are they?" "Wan of them," replied Pat, "is that Oi l«k© ■ter talk to a sinsible man, an' the other is that Oi loike ter hear a sin*. sible man. talk."