BERTIE.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 8351, 24 June 1905, Page 2

BERTIE.

(By EDGAR WALLACE, in the " Daily Mall." " You don't 'appen to know our Bertie, do you?" asked Private Smith; "Vs anew chap only just joined from the depot: 'ighiy educated an' all that: one of the struck-pa-with-a-roll-of-music-and-enlisted sort of fellows." Smithy paused to ruminate upon the accomplished Bertie. "I've 'card 'im use words that wasn't in any dictionary," Smithy continued with enthusiasm, " an' 'c's settled arguments we've 'ad in the canteen without so much as lookin' in a hook. "There was a bit of a friendly discussion the other night about J ow much alch'ol there was in Deer, an' 'ow many pints it'd take to poison a chap. Gus Ward, the medical staff ohap, worked it all out on a bit of paper, but some of the other chaps said 'c was tftlkin' through 'is 'at. "To settle it — none of the other chaps would come outside when Gussie invited 'cm — we sent over for Bertie. " Over comes Bertie with a wot-can-I-do-for-you-my-poor-cJiild sort of smile, on' we puts the question to 'im. " ' Twenty-two gallons an' a pint/ sez Bertie prompt. " ' You're a liar I" sez Nobby, an' the medical chap asked Bertie to come outside an' settle the question. f "'Don't be absurd,' sea Bertie. 'Nobody can tell me anything about alch'ol : it was discovered by a monk in 1320, when 'c was searchin' for the philosopher's stone. It is known at Lloyd' s as a deadly sporadic an' ' " ' Shut up,' sez Nobby ; 'we don't want to know the geography an' 'istory of it, we want to know 'ow many pints of beer it takes to kill a chap.' " ' Thirty-one gallons an' two pints, as - said before,' sez Bertie, huffily; ' an' in future, Private Clark, I don't want you to send for me to settle canteen controverßialities.' ".' Wot's that last word?' sez Nobby, after Bertie had gone. ' Somethin' insultin', rillay.' . j bebtie's alma mater. "Me an' Nobby 'appened to be over at the coffee .shop next night — it was the night before pay day, or we wouldn't 'aye been wastin' our time — when in conies Bertie. "'E's got an 'orrid languid way of lookin' round, an' it was a minute or two before 'c spots me an' Nob. • "'U.llo, Clark,' 'c sez, with a nod just the same as if 'c was an officer. ' TJllo, Smithy.' ' » . " ' Uilo, face,' sez Nobby, who's always got a kind word for every one. "I'm gettin' tired of this sort of life,' sea Bertie, in a weary voice. s ' I've got too much wot the French call savoir faire.' (i/i See a doctor,' sez Nobby, 'or take plenty of exercise, like I do.' "'You misunderstand me, Clark,', sez Bertie, with a sad smile. ' But, there, 'ow should you know, my poor felier 1' "'Bertie,' sez Nobby. " 'What?' Rez Bertie. I " ' Don't call me a " pore feller," ' sez Nobby, 'or I'll give you a dig in the eye.' "'Don't lose your temper, Clark,' sez Bertie, hasty. 'What I meant to j Say was, you can't be expected to oom- \ prehend 'ow it feels for a chap who's drove '"is own brougham to be ordered about by cads of officers, cads an' bounders that my alma mater wouldn't 'aye in ; er set.' " ' Who's she?' sez. Nobby A '.' ' My rich aunt,' sez Bertie. " ' Livin' in the Marylebone Road?' sez Nobby. " ' No,' sez Bertie, carelessly : ' Porchester Gate.' ■ ' "'Ah,' sez Nobby, thoughtful, 'that's a ; work'ouße that must 'aye been built quite lately — } aw London grows, to be sure.' " Bertie smiled an' shook 'is 'cad. • " ' Ah, Clark I' 'c sez with a pityin' look, ' there's a good old French sayin' that goes, " Ontry noo eiwoo play," which means, "Don't argue with a fool.'" , „ . " ' There's another good ole French proverb, sez Nobby,, 'that sez, Chuprao soor." ' '. " ' What does that mean?' sez Bertie surprised, so Nobby told 'im. THE BUN-WALLAH. "Bertie wasn't what you might call popular with the troops. For one thing '© used long words, that nobody even 'card before, an' for the other, 'c was. a bun-wallah of the worst kind. ' " It is, I might say, one of the wilful fallacies of the Army that teetotallers live entirely on lemonade and buns. "We don't mind ho much a chap bein' a teetotaller; every man to 'is taste, an' I've known some very good chaps in that line, but Bertie used to carry 'is fads a bit too far. ! " For instance, 'c got me an' Nobby one night down to an A.T.A. (Army Temperance Association) meetin', au' so worked on Nobby's feelin's, by promisin' to lend him 'arf a crown till pay day, that Nobby ups an' signs the pledge. , _ , : "' I feel a diff'rent man already, r sez Nobby, after Bertie 'ad } parted with the money, 'I do, indeed.' il ' Ah, 1 sez Bertie, proudly, 'you 11 feel better when you've 'ad a week of it. Don't let your boon companions lure you back to the old 'abit,' 'c sez. "< No fear/ sez Nobby, putting the 'arf-crown in 'is pocket. "'Not so much of the boon companions, Bertie, I sez, knowin' what 'c was eayin' was a smack for me. x " ' When: they offer you the pot—refuse it like a man,' sez Bertie, working hisself up to a great state. "'I will,' sez Nobby. ; . , " ' Look 'ere,' eez Bertie, excitedly, ' come up to the canteen now, an' put yourself to the test-' „,. ' "Right you are,' sez Nobby, quick; 'let's 'urry up before it's shut.' "So we all went up to the canteen, an' the first thing that ' appened when we got inside was Dusty Miller ofienn Nobby 'arf a gallon can. _ . "' Drink 'arty, Nobby,' sez .Dusty. "Nobby looks at the can, then looks at Bertie, an' Bertie was smilin' ♦appily all over T 'is face. ■ - " "'No,' sez Nobby, chokra', 'no, Dusty, you mean well, but I m on the tack— on the lemonade .tack,' 'c sez.. ' Good Nobby,' sez Bertie. " ' Let me take one last look at the

cursed stuff,' sez Nobby, tainn 1 tM pot in 'is 'and ; ' one last sniff,' ea Ml ) *one last taste o' the poison,' 'c »•*. an' before we knew what 'ad 'appeneq Wd 'arf emptied the can. " ' It's no good, Bertie/ '• mm f sadly, 'the temptation is teo strong*, it's in me blood/ 'c sez, 'you can 'avo your 'arf-crown back on pay day, 1 "What chaps didn't like aboqt Bertie most was the way *c was ahrayf goin' on about his come-down in tEo world, 'ow e might have been livln 1 up in the West End goin' to theatre* every night of 'is life,- an' drinfcln' port wine with 'is meals, if J a hadn't been such a fool as to enlist. " One night when he was' playin' 1 billiards in the library Nobby got Ber« tie to settle a point whether an earl was an 'igher rank than a countess, * " ' A countess, of course,' sea Bezv tie. " i " ' For why?' sez Nobby. " Bertie gave a pityin' sort of\ laugh." \ " ' A countess is a lady count, an' «*. count is next to a marquis,' 'c see. " "Ow do you know?' sez Nobby. "Bertie gave a sort of a tired sigh 1 an' looked at the ceilin'. s "'My dear Clark,' he sez, 'ft ain't for me to boast of the people I met before I come down in -the world^ but I might say I've met certain parties — n<* names mentioned — that our offioent ain't even on speakin' terms with.' i "'ln shops?' eez Nobby. v ' No, in country 'ouses,' sez Bertie. stiffly. .*! " ' Leave off pullin' Bertie's leg,' Kg Spud Murphy, who always likes to geti, a rise out , of Nobby. ' Anybody pan see Bertie's mixed with 'igh-olaflt people.' " We was all silent for a bit, watch.* in' Dusty Miller, who was playia* Mouldy Turner a hundred up, taokl«j an' 'ard-lines cannon. "We wa« very interested in it, c* pecially Bertie, who, couldn't take '1* eyee from the cloth. " Dusty fluked 'is cannon an' missed the next shot, an' then Nobby got ai, sort of inspiration, an' calls out to. Bertie : " 'Call the game, marker!' " ' Seventy-six plays forty-two : spo^ to play, sir,' sez Bertie, absent-minded*