FUN AND PANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 8309, 6 May 1905, Page 3

FUN AND PANCY.

Wife: "Do yOu believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder?" Hoshand. "I don't know: suppose w« tiy?" . . ' . ■ The man who tries to please everybody is the same, fellow who oan drink v_isky and let it alone. He doesn't do either. A pupil in a suburban school, when r asked to define the /word "buttress." ' wrote out its meaning, "A female wh* makes butter." "Well, Spriggs, I'm glad you liki / your new master. Remember you oannot do too much for him." " Naw miss; an' I doan't mane to." ' Wiggs : " Deacon Buncomb is fond of doing good deeds on t_fi» sly."' Waggs: "Yes; but .he's terribly cut up if other people don't jfind, out about Mrs Benham:i"WeU, if the wort! comes to the worst, I can keep th© wolf away from the door by singing." Benham : 'i You would if he has a correct ear for music." One is not -surprised to read tbat 4 woman has been called to teach parliamentary law in a Chicago, school. What is it that lays down the law in the average household? ' Mr Meeker: i" But . surely I ought taf have some say as to whom my daughter marries?" Mrs Meeker: "Not a wordsir. When she gets ready she shall, if she likes, marry any old fool, just aa her mother did." Moran (explaining excitedly) : " Poor Melody's all bruk up, so he is. D'ye moind the ladder, the long wan wid tha iron rungs., what's generally layin agin the house? Well, Melody come down ' it whin it wasn't there." The Irisb judge waxed wrathful at the long-winded replies of a facetious witness. '.«« I tell you what, my man," exclaimed his Worship, "I Von't listen to you any longer unless you can hold your tongue and give your evidence , clearly." \ "Is your husband up yet?" inquired • an early morning caller. " I expect he is," replied the stern-looking woman who had opened the door. "Pd like to say a few words to him." "So would I. He hasn't oome borne yet ■!■"• she added. Give\iue the mari who loves hie work, K<mevcr.hard it b., . "Who on'ljt thinks it mean •to "ahirk, And hates fine hireling's plea: : Thcugh bands aaid face be, hard and brown, __*t were i trivial thing ; , "Who wears his duly like acfomi' Is every inch a king. Miss Prism: "Don't let your dog bite me, little boy," ..Little Boy: "He won't bite^ ': ma'am." Mim Prism: "But he is showing his teeth." Boy (with prid_) : "Certainly be is, ' ma'am; and if you had as good teeth as he has you'd show 'em, too." *.',' The little boy picked himself out of* the puddle where his rude playmates had thrown him. He wiped the mud from his velvet trousers, lus silk stockings, and his, lace collar, and straightened .out his long golden curls as Well as their demoralised and bedraggled condition would permit. "This," he said, bitterly, "is what comes of being mamma's little pet." An automobile on a rampage skipped the kerbstone and took a header into a basement cobbler's shop, turning a few somersaults, and finally stopping; spluttering, with its wheels revolving in the air. The old cobbler waa found jammed into a corner of i the shop, unhurt, but dazed. '"What did. you think it was?" asked his rescuer. "I thought," he gasped, "dot it vas a customer vat vas mad about heea shoes I" A GREAT~ADVANTAGE. "My husband has a great advantage over most men." ,'./' lndeed?.".. ,. „,..-.. ; "Yes. He walks in his sleep." .... ..",.1. don't see. .. what'-, advantage- that .can be to a person."- • ■■ ;* Why, he can carry the baby all night long, and still get bis natural rest.". THE BRASS BAND. In a certain Lancashire village, a couple were married recently. Wben they arrived home, the bride, suspecting the ring was, not as good as' it should be, put it to ber ear, as one does .'; a sea-shell, when listening for tbe "waves' roar." '< What be'est thee doing?" asked ber husband. '? Listening to the musio," was tbe answer. ._.' "Whoever yeard o' music in a wed- ■ ding ring?" Baid he. • "Why, theau great yawney. hast . ne'er yeard a brass band play?" was her sharp answer. .< " DO NOT BE INQUISITIVE. U A* train was jh_t starting' out from King's Cross when a shirt-sleeved man \pame rushing down the platform, shouting, "Smith! Smith!" A man in one of the last" carriages, which was a corridor .one, beard the - shout, and, being naturally curious, put his head out of the window. As he did so the man running along the platform reached him and struck him ra hard blow in the" face. . .By. the time he had recovered\- from his suprise the train was outside the station, so he at ; once summoned attendant. "What . kind of an outrage , is this ?" he demanded of the attertdant. "Here am I, an innocent passenger, sitting in this carriage _4 the ; . train pulls out of the station.. Suddenly some \ man runs down the platform, shrieking I 'Smith! Smith!' I lookout of th« window, arid he reaches up and almost knocks my head off. Now, I wazrf 'to—" . - i . ".Pardon me," interrupted the attendant. "Is your name Smith?" "No, it isn't; and that is just what makes — ~" • "Well, tben^sir, what did you look out of the window for P There wasn't . anybody calling you, was there?" PAID IN THEIR OWN COIN. Two Bradford gentlemen, who prided themselves upon being more/ cute than the generality of the masses, were one v day arguing as to the dulnees of the , latter, and one went so far as to a»> ■-, sert that if he offered 100 sovereigns fof sale at 15s each, and exhibited tbenf ' in a local shopkeeper's window, ..h^ would lose nojbhing by the transaction^ as there would be no' customers. TheHr made a friendly wager on th 4 result, and then went to- make arrange* ments .with a shopkeeper, instructing him that he. was to give no reasons for the sovereigns being on, sale. The coins were accordingly put in the window, but for two weeks no purchaser came forward. ..'...■ Iri the third week, however, a Manohester man happened to be in the dis- i trict, and, seeing the sovereigns for sale, he carefully pondered tbe position. . : Forming his plan .. of action , he went in aijtd inquired of the ebopkeeper as to their- genuineness: ' . • Being assured -of their good qualityhe said: " Well, I'll take the lot.?' But the shopkeeper would not take the responsibility of the sale upon himself, and therefore sent* for the interested parties. They aigreed to sell them if the would-be purchaser would pay forthwith, and, in seeming hesitation. • the latter, asked to be perrriitted to examine theiri. Whilst so doing ho again asked, in a doubtful tone, if there was no trickery in the transaction, md, upon being answered in the negative, be said, pocketing twenty-five of them: "Well, then, there are seventy^five of your own poyWligns, which, as they are good, are equarto a hundred times fiftff-^' shillings."

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