Untitled

Star (Christchurch), Issue 7802, 5 September 1903, Page 3

"Was tKe dinner cooked to suit yon, sir?" " Yes, all but the bill. Just get thai boiled down a bit, will you?" , "Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so? 1 ' "Because she ceases to look out for No. 1 and begins to look out for No. 2." Pat : " Have a good time in London; Mickey?" -Mickey : " I did tjiot ; I wint t« five music-halls, and got chucked out air, iviry wan!" Wif ey : " How amazing ! I've forgotten to buy something I wanted." Hubby : "I thought as much when you said you had. some money left." Millie: "j. looked in at a bargain sale to-day." Gertie: "Did you see anything that looked cheap?" Millie: "Yes; several men waiting for their wiv^B." Ascum : "If 'brethren' is a synonym for 'brothers,' why not ' sistera' for ' sisters'?" Henpeck : " JSI onsenae ! I've often heard of a cistern tljat would dry up occasionally." A man -who made photos in platinum Sat down on some fresh, prints to flatinums But a, pin in -the chair Made him leap up and swe*r — Now h& wishes ho never Jiad safenum. Silas : " I tell ye what, Msndy, there* a lot uv good in thet young Abbott boy." Handy: "There must be, if there even was. Leastwise I never Leered uv him lettin' any uv it out." " And who was Esau?" the, Sunday-school examiner asked. For ai moment there was silence. Then the youngest son of Mrs Malaprop piped out : " Esau wrote a book , of fables, aaid sold the copyright "to Messrs Pottage." " Augustus, dear," said she, tenderly pushing him from her, as the moonlight flooded the bay-window where they wer« standing, " I think you had better try some other hair-producer— your moustache tastes like turpentine." " It's always dangerous to jump at conclusions," said the careful aian. "You're liable to make yourself ridiculous, to say the least.", " I quite agree with you," said his friend. "I once jumped at the conclusion of a ferryboat, and missed it." "I suppose," said the physician, smiling and trying to appear witty, while feeling) the pulse of a lady j patient, "I suppose you consider me an. old humbug?" "Why, doctor," replied the lady, "I (had no idea you could ascertain a woman's thoughts by; merely feeling her pulse." The Lawyer: "You say that you wera walking behind this wom?n, could not distinguish hei -ure because of the cape she wore^ saw nothing of her face, and yet knew that she was & very pretty woman. How do you account for that?" The Witness: "Well, I could see the faces of th« _men • coming towards ' her." "Once again," triumphantly said the a.bl« . editor of the Sloplon-on-Slush "Herald," "has the power of the Press mad© itself felt. For more than seven years we have been clamouring, conscientiously and continuously, in season and out of season, for a new railway station here, and now the A.B. and C. Railway has decided to accede to our demand, and erect one. The old station was burned down last Thursday night amid thunders qf applause." Like his son. and Iteir, the Duke of Buccleuch has been in" the House of Commons, and an old farmer whose vote he was soliciting* gave. hinj. an answer he has not yet forgotten. The farmer did not know the Duke, who was then Lord iDalkeith. "But you know the Dukvf" said • a captain who accompanied the candidate. ■"•'. " Yes, I know the Duke ; " he's a gran* man!" said the farmer. "Then you'll sure- '■', ly vote for his son?" the captain said. But tfye farmer was still doubtful. "I'm no* sure about that," he replied; "it's no* every coo that has a cauff like hersel'!"