FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 7569, 29 November 1902, Page 3

FUN AND FANCY.

Mrs Longson: "Why are yon leaving, Bridget? Something private?" Bridget:) "No, mum. Sergeant." '**• "To snuff a candle out accidentally ia ti sign of marriage." " Yes, and to turn dowa^*"*^ a lamp intentionally is a sign of courtship;*'.- <£ "See that young farmer, Maggie? .-Pfcis made a fortune cultivating weeds." " Suref§Sj| ly not, dear; what kind o' weeds weri ,'Jj they?" "Widows'*" i"^ "So Jack is married, eh? Do yfmifr;in*#~*-y he'll get along well with his wife?" "VtSi'iM quite sure he will. They sang in -the sanM-^T .. choir for two years without quarrelling^ ' ; f English Stranger : "Is your societjMer* f very select?" Arizona Al: "See^roenv"' gravea^)ver thar? They was all fiUedijj^' '-/■ fellers who came to our danoes without£xoK '"■■'■ vitashuns." "■& Precocious Child : " Papa, tell one whatjjfe humbug?" Parent (with a deep-araTsfc^ A sigh) : "It is, my dear, when yonr mamnwP' pretends to be very fond of me and puts buttons on my shirt." •A Highland woman, selling a ihen to hen ;!■' neighbour, was asked : "Is she a good hen- y and has she any faults?" She replied:' '' "Aye, Margaret, she has got ac faut. She: lays a bit egg on the Lord's Day 1" Mother (soothingly) j " You mustn't mind what he says about his mother's cookingmy dear. All men do that." Married Daughter (warmly) : " I don't, mamma. If g the things he says about any cooking that annoy me." Lady (visiting asylum) : "And tihese poo* creatures, how came they to be like "that?" Doctor : "Ah, very sad, but they are quite! haa-mless. One was jilted by a lady andl lost his reason as a consequence. The other* lost his reason through' marrying the sam«t lady." ■ _ • "No," said! the eentkmain in- the brown wig, "I ain't much, of a bass singer, but you ought to hear my brother." *'Hae h« a big voice?' 1 asked the gentleman with) the pea-green whiskers. "Big? His voice* is so heavy a bass that it makes him bow* legged to carry it." "Get my name right," said the proud owner of the 11751 b hogj "ifs Jndwon KL< Bimm. My father was Colonel Hirara Hotchkiss Bimm, of Lexington, Ky. He came to Illinois in the year——'" "Never mind that," interrupted Uhe secretary of tho fat stock show. " Give ns the pedigree of the hog." "Ah, well," said a sour-matured spinster to the wife of the only man who had ever, wooed her, and whom she bad thrown over, " your husband) only proposed to yo» out of revenge because I rejected hhnP " Quite so* .the other retorted-. . "But he always says revenge hae proved so sweet that he can never feel anything but gratitude to you 1" A North Biding farmer having a hois* ! to sell at at fair sold it to' an Army contractor. Meeting him at the same fair tho following year, the Army buyer walked up to the fanner and said, indignantly: — "The horse I bought of you was a thoroughfraud ! It was no use for the Army 1" Tbe» dealer was nowise abashed, but replied :— "Well, try 'im for f Navy I" "I ana sorry to say it, Henry,'' said th« teacher, kindly, " but your composition is not worthy of you. Tie rhetoric is faulty, the logic wea<k, the statements are based upon misinformation, and the style is lar* mentably crude." "My!" exclaimed Henry. " Won't my dad be angry when I tdß him that?" "But yon can tell bimj" continued' the teacher, encouragingly, "that ■- you did your very best." "Did my beetl" Henry replied. "Why, dad' wrote th«" whole of it himself." HE DIDNT KNOW. Wife (severely) : "Is this the fish yo* caught?" Husband: "Y-e-s, m' dear." Wife (shrewdly): "Were you fishing in -:■ salt or fresh water?" Husband : " I—l don't know, m' dear* Didn't taste it." . PROPRIETY. "Oook," said the mistress^ "I saw tw« policemen sitting in the kitchen last night." "Well, mvm 2 replied Bridget £ "yeg wouldn't have an unmarried) lady be sittin* with only wan policeman z would yea, now? Sure, mum, the otiher wan was the chaperon 1" HER FIRST QUEfiinON. "At last," said- the great scientist, "I have fully established communication with Mars. What great question shall I submit to them first?" "Ask them £ " said the young woman promptly, " if they have discovered a comfortable and suitable bicycle costume for girls that is also attractive." A DARKEY'S PURCHASE. An old diarkey (says a New York paper) . went to Memphis the other day to get hia ':■ pension cheque cashed: After receiving hißj money, which amounted to eleven dollars, the Kild ex-slave sauntered down Front Street to a produce house and bought tihrya crates of cabbages. When they were detivered at the wharf that afternoon the old mam was fihere and received them with a mouth watering in anticipation of the ex- A fcra good time ahead. .^ " Whur yer gwraeter do wid dean cabbages?" inquired a negro drayman who de- ' livered them. " Eat 'em," was the quick . response j "I'se bin free forty years, amd dis is do .. fust time I'se had de mocaey to buy 'nuffi cabbage. I'se gwine ter eat cabbage toll I furgit de way ter my mouf." HOW THE SCISSORS PROVED USEFUL. In a certain town up country tibiae Hveg an old ilady known, as "TaJikative Sal." The parson showed too much linen a* his wri»b for !her liksing, so one d!ay, meeting him in a lane, shesuid: ■ \ " Excuse me, parson, but would you nundl my cutting about an inch, off your wristband®, as I think it veny unbecoaning to * clerical man." . ' "Certainly," said the parson, and am took from her pocket a pair of edssoa* and curt them to her satisfaction. . Having finished, the parson said : " Now, madam, there is sometihing aiboa* you that I should 'like to see about ami inch* shorter." " Then,," said the old dame> handing tun* the soissoirs, "cut it to your liking." " Come, then, good womwm," said th* parson, "put out your tongue!" KEPT HIS WORD. The modern novelist is fond of depicting the "country bumpkin" as an individual who surveys even the commonplaces of life with open-mouthed astonishment. Thatt there are certain other vandetdes of tth9 species the following little story .will show. A well-known M.F-H. in Yorkshire waa tearing along at the head of his field ond day when he noticed a low gate immediately in front. He waa well mounted, however, and waa gathering himselif together for the leap, when a countryman on the othier side of the 'hedge ran forward with, the inbem-tioml of opening the gate. ••Out of the way, you clowni,, roared the M.F.H. "I'm coming over!" He had barely uttered the words when, his horse stopped suddenly, amd the rider fulfilled his expressed intention somewhat hurriedly, and by no means graoefully, by landing plump on tihe top of the unfortunate countryman. The latter was the first to recover, and, sitting on tbe turf with his hands on hia k'^ees, he coolly addressed thie M.F.H. : — "Weei, theer's no acconnrljn' for teeasts. Noo, if it 'ad bin me ah'd 'a browb th' 'oss oAver wi' me. But theer; ah'm a doom (clown), aa' ah've knawed i)t a liang ttoime — while tb'art a blessed hacrobat, aa' th'artt . only joost fun it oot." So saying :h&soße and jogged off, leaving tbe irate M.FAH. to open tihe gate for himse 1