FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 7329, 15 February 1902, Page 3

FUN AND FANCY.

« Better one enemy that you are sure of than a dozen doubtful ones. If some people were as big as they feel, they would have to live out of doors. The bird feat can sing and won't is better than a person that can't sing, and will. .; v ' Little Girl (to visitor): "Don't you thick : I look, just like mamma?" Her Mother : " Hush, dear, don't be vain." "Do you think 'her hair in, all real?" " Why, of course. A girl with her means would never buy any other kind." We ought to be satisfied if we hold our own ; but we generally are not, because we want to get told of someone else's. ,' Marion : " I hear Jack Lantry has had to / go to work after all." Frank: "Not i* bit : of it. • He's got a Opvernment bHlet."' Dibbs: "Yes, Oker hag left 'everything he had to the parish." Dabbs :' " What was it he left, then?" Dibbs : "Five children." "This age demands men who; have con- : victions," shouted the impassioned' orator* "Where shall we find' them?" ".la prison!" replied the man, in the gallery. : "What did you stop that clock in your: room for j Jane?" " Because, mum, the plagueyvthing has some Sort of a fit every mornin', mum, jest when I wants to sleep." An Italian novelist recently completed * new novel, entitled, "What Will Become of My Son?'' A few. days after he received a card containing- the following message: "If he's half as bad as your book, he'll be hanged." He had called on & Fifth AvVnue physician, and reported that he was knocked out generally." As he took the prescription ho ' sliid: " Well, doctor, what do I owe you?" " : Two dollars." "I'm sorry I can't pay you to-day. You won't mind waiting a while, will you?" "No; that's all right." " And, doctor, how much will this prescription cost?" "About one dollar." "Say,, doc., you couldn't loan me a dollar to get it with, could you? I'm dead broke." "lie* me look at that prescription again," aaid the physician. He took it, examined it, and erased a line. "I had prescribed something for your, nerve," he said, "but I see you don't need it." WITH VARIATIONS. '' "Molly," said: someone to the little daughter of a clergyman, "does your father preach the same sermon twice?" "I think, perhaps, he does," returned Molly, cautiously; "but I think he talk* loud and- soft in different places the secon4 time, so it doesn't sound (the same at all/" / : FORCE OF HABIT. "I should think it would worry yon to have such a disorderly husband," said the relative who was calling at the hotel. "I've got used to it," said the lady with the gentle disposition. "He isn't really to - ; blame. He used to be a Customs official, • and whenever he sees a trunk he can't resist the temptation to scatter the contents all over the floor." EQUWO9ATORY. Papa (severely) : " Did you ask mamma < if you could have that apple?" - Five-year-old: "Yes, papa." Papa: "Be careful now. I'll ask mamma, andjif, sb6-sayß.yau didn't ask her JTJ, mhm you 'foretelling a story. Did yon aac. ' mamma?" ] ■ Five-year-old: "Papa, I asked her. (A pause.) jShe said I couldn't have it." WHERE ENGLAND SCORED. A friend of mine took an American guesti of his to Niagara Hall the other evening to view the skating which is now in full swing there. After they had been, watching the experts and novices on the ice for some time, my friend asked bis Transatlantic visitor what he thought of the show., " Wa'al," replied tlhe American slowly, " I've seen our Niagara, and now I've seen yours.Our show is very fine, very imposing, but, 1 * he added with a chuckle, "I guess your falls are the most amusing." ' THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES. In a book of memoirs just published m story worth repeating is told of a wellknown Bishop. - < ,He was once just starting on a railway journey when the stationmaster came up to him and said, referring to his luggage — " How many articles are there, my Lord?" " Thirty-nine," was the reply. : "I' can., oily .-find sixteen," answered, .th« others- -■•';• ;v. •.-.•: ~: ■.::■ r^!r ? "Then," said the Bishop, "you must be a Dissenter S" DID NOT LIKE IT. Once a little girl, who had very in- S frequently been allowed to dine with, the , * family, was allowed to come to the table ; i when the family was entertaining a minis- ' ter. There was asparagus that day. The little girl iiad never had any be- 1 -] fore. She looked her plateful over, pushed :. it about with her fork, and then shoved the *- plate away. " What's "the matter, Fannie ?" asked her , mother. "Don't you like asparagus?" " No," Fannie * replied, decisively, "I don't like it; it's raw at oDe end and rotten at the other." j GENEROUS DINKLEBY. "We ihave had quite an experience at our home," said Dinkleby to his friend Googins. "You rememiber our conservatory?" . " Do you meani that glass cupboard, about the size of an orange-box, that is built on the side of your dining-room?" inquired Googins. "That's it. I call ifc tie conservatory to please Mrs D. She has .am astonishing number of plants in thete; not many orchids, but a lob of geraniums and things. The other day she discovered: that 6aid geraniums were alive with insects. She asked a florist how to get rid of them — I the insects, I mean — and ihe told- 3ier that ■- tobacco smoke was the best remedy. So she took that box of cheap cigars which, she gave me. for a Christmas present. I couldn't smoke them because I had: resolved to give tip smoking on the first of the ; year. Unfortunate resolution, wasn't dt J" ■ " Very," said Mr Googins, dryly. ;. ■:.'■} "Yes. Well, as I was saying, Mrs DV..n took those cigars* and, giving them to ♦ > j man who was on the look-out for a job, t told ihim to go into the conservatory and V) smoke for an, hour." Here Mr Dinkleby paused 1 , and Mr Googins inquired': "Did! it kill the my . sects?" ... ■■.:■■ "Well," answered Ms friend, reflective-* ly, " I should, "think it probable that i* ' did. It certainly killed the plants, and th« doctors haven't pronounced' the man out of ": danger yet." ■ SOME VACCINATION STORIES. Some good stories are told by a school manager of the objections raised by the parents of children attending Board schools, where examination took place by the public > vaccinator, as a precaution against smallpox. Some confusion- of thought has pre- ' vailed. "I do not object to my child being vaccinated," wrote one, " his name is to ' be James McCarthy." Another note by a : -: boy's mother read, " Will you please alter Jim's name to Hazelwood, as I was mar- i; ried again last Sunday." Another wrote : — ; "I do not object if it is done by the calf. I remain His Mother." One man'refused to sign the paper at all, or to commit himself to any opinion whatever. The boy was asked to explain the refusal, and replied, " Father says he; believes it's got somefink to do with religious , instruction, and he ain't going to put his name to it, cos he finks we gits enough." One little girl went home from school; with her head full of tire new idea. "Mother," she said, "have you ever been what-y-call-emed?" "What are you talking about now?" asked the mother. " Have : you ever been — I don't mean baptised, and I don't mean cwtcified, but the other thing?" This reminds one of an old story— of a, 1 man in the prison dock — who on being asked his ful^name, gave it, adding, "Yes, /; your Worship, I was baptised and vacci- . nated, but neither on 'em tookt." ," .:■