THE WEEK.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 7203, 14 September 1901, Page 4

THE WEEK.

President M'K'mley's chances of recovery will be watched with anxious interest by the world. 'Bullet No. 2 should be extracted b*fore Ay.c breathe freely. TWhole wations scan with in-terest vast The latest bullet-in', no doubt, In hopes of learning 'that — at .last They've got the latest bullet-out.

The late Dr Sfrubbs, Bishop of Oxford, could tell a good story. Once, -when quite a. young man, his lordship related that hfc ■was tffying to persuade an old woman to cure iher 'husband of drunkenness by treating Mm gently and 1 kindly. "Heap coals ot fire upon your ihilsband's head, my good wwmaii ; . ooa&s of fir«," said 3>r Stubbs. "Goals x>f fire?" replied! the -woman in a disgusted manner. " Coaite of fire ain't no good. I've 'it 'im on the 'ed witih a lighted lamp six times, aawJ 'c gets drunk next day all itihe same !" j. ♦__ • The latest popular song of the Christchurch: coachbuilders runs thus: — Alas! we didn'tf move in. time • That vile " recommendation," And so we're .punished like a crime #or sad procrastination. For now this " soft " award Has " set " both fast and hafdj . "We've got to pay £en bob a day, Whereby our profit's marred. There have been far ioo many " spokes," From far too many "felloes," But now we're " tyred' " of labour jokes, And' endless " pump and bellows." 'For 'gainst +his cruel award Our last appeal is barred, And we are 'bid 1 Pay half a quid To cases soft or hard. ♦ — It is always intensely interesting to read the excuses of the 'Frisco mail agent. He man is simply a genius. This time it appears that tho Sonoma got stuck on the summit of the Sierra Nevada, owing to the snow catching fire. No wonder all; the firemen left her! Only fancy their •language ! The Government has authorised the compilation of A Military History, relating to the doings of New Zealand contingents in South Africa. Contributions are invited 1 . T!he glorious deeds N.Z. has done Won't long remain a mystery! For mow it seems we're going to run • A. 'Military. History! Yesl With, research immense, Kegardless of expense^ We're going, you know, To do a blow In Military History! The claims to glory ''twill advance ■Axe writtertby 'WE, US and -CO." " He- was ithe bravest man in France. (Ho said so, and the ought >to £now!" 'And heroes 'by the score, Who blushed unseen, before, Will now, we ween. Bob up serene •Ini 'Military, History! ' Of* each one's glory we'll have proof, Who led 'the (rearmost) line, my boy! At hard-fought Ananiaskloof, And iam-ed Longbowfontein, my boy! " New Zealand saved the Empire^ game, To whom, alt -foes -were trifles; sirs! THEIR pick were Canterbury, and DUE-IBS The 'Mudville 'Mounted Bines, sirst" " Just name your fancy lot — A penny in the slob | Shoves their hoof-brands "Upon the sands O'f 'Military History!" ♦ The most severe reproof which the King ever gave a subject in the matter of decorations was that administered to a very pretty young girl in a ballroom. His Majesty, or, as he was then, the 3?a"ince of Wales, had invited the lady to damce, and: she, much gratified, had taken a turn or two, when the Prince noticed upon her breast the small diamond star of a well-known English cvdser. " May I «sk you where you got .that from?" he cadd 1 , indlicating the little jewel. The girl, blushing a great deal, answered that her fiance (a young officer of great distinction) 'had lent it to her to wear. "In/deed'," said H.R.'H. coldly, "please unpin jt and 1 return it to Lieutenajit-Colonel Sir — - — , and inform him that such- jewels are not intended for the fld'cramMit of beauty., however great." And he led his partner to her chaperon. ♦ Let us hope the seditious Pretorians who are to get free railway parses will thor.oughly enjoy their little outings. A burgher once used to abuse Good treatment by spying out news, Till, one day, having tried A compulsory ride, He was blown by his friends to the deuce. + The meaning of the word "humph" was tiha subject of a judicial decision in the Irish Court of Appeal lately. Four judges' oi the Queen's Bench Division, from, which tht appeal was taken, were unable to come tc a unanimous decision as to the meaning of the word. Mr Justice Madden and Mr Justice Boyd held that " humph.,"' as used by Sir Walter Scott and Miss Austen in their novels, was an expression of dissent, while the Lord Chiief Justice and Mr Justice Burton inclined to the conclusion, that " humph " only infant a " dissatisfied condition of mind.' 1 The Court of Appeal lias now decidisd that the wwd is "an expression of doubt or ddasatisfactioii.," or, as Lord

Justice Walker put I»t, in the avoids of the Century Dictd'onaoy, a "grunt of dissatisfaction."' . Mr John Roberts has, during the week, done some of Iris usual marvellous ivoryhunting. The King of Cues, with wondrous touch, •His skill has been. rehearsing, Like Bobs, he uses cannons much, Like him, he's great on nursing. / They both take hazard risks Aviih pride, With scores off red stupendous. Unlike the Earl, he puts or* side. Like him, his " scrfew's " tremendous. Then, here's good hick unto the name, Should we be threatened hot By any Frenchman's cannon-game, May both be on the spo-fc. « Fair and gentle reader, hast thou ever made the police rage furiously together,- or the public imagine a vain 'thing? So shalt thou sympathise Avith a well-known Christchurch public man, 1 whom Aye will call The Innocent. For behold in the days of Roberts — not the Earl or the Billiard Swell, bub our only Jonathan— The Innocent and seven other — sportsman — more innocent than himself went out shooting one morning at Purau, wjhich lieth on Banks I Peninsula, over against Ripa Island, and it befell that on the following morning they did 1 it a second time. . A^nd on that second morning tne shooting party Avent down to the sea in boats and returned to ! Lyttelton, with a wet sheet and a flowing | fiea, or a wet sea and a . AnyhoAv, as they passed Ripa Island somebody loosed off his trusty musketooa at a Shag or a Newspaper Man, or some other Evil Creature (and: missed it) ... Now, it also befell that on that second morning the aforesaid Jonathan having been cast into prison on Ripa Island,- had arrived at the Conclusion that Government Hospitality was not Good Enough. So he left !his P.P.C. card, without any fuss, on the luncheon table, and girded up ibis loins, and departed like a Beautiful Dream, or a City Councillor when you ask Mm for a Retiring Allowance. And 1 the Warders and the Bobbies and the nice long Artillerymen with, the little buttons on top, Rent their -Garmenits and cast beer down their throats, and went Softly. And after awhile the Men in the Street, and the 'Wiseacres and! the Smarteys took counsel together. And they noised it abroad! that this was a Pub Up Job. " For, look you !" said they, "did not the .shooters, even the Innocents, plant Grub and Togs the day, before at Purau? And diet they not, when all was ready, loose off a musketoon, as a signal unto Jonathan?" And thereupon the Bobbies and . the nice long Artillerymen, with the little buttons on top fell upon. *he necks of the Wiseacres and Smarteys. And Where* they Went and Wlho Shouted 1 and What they Had, is it not written in* the chronicles of the Police Courts ? . . , . But the Innocent thrust the Tongue of Silence into the Chpek of Good Conscience ; aisro laid he the Finger of Discretion against the Nose of Wisdom. And so do all the other Innocents even unto this day. And for the Test of the doings of Jonathan, and how they would have Nailed him, only he didn't 'Appen to be 'There — ask a Pieeceman.