FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 7203, 14 September 1901, Page 3

FUN AND FANCY.

A bad horse is like a paor play. It can f fe • run, and ifc won't draw. When a girl tells a yoaog man to t«kf heart, it sounds suspiciously like a hint. "Have you a large staff of reporters to gather the news for you?" Country Edi* tor : " No ; we 'have a -wife." " W© had shortcake for tea/* said a little girl to a little boy over the fence. "So had we; so short it, didn't go round.* Tom: "Isn't she a perfect angels Dick: "Well, yes; and 1 when she sat in front of me afc the theatre one nagfrb I felfc as if I'd like to clip her wings." " To err is huin»n, to forgive divine," is a good old adage, but Trt notice that it in never quoted to us when we make Srnris* take. We have to etc the quoting <wry selves. Patient : " Doctor, I don't know wihafc is . the matter with me. I can't sleep, h*ve. no appetite,- no interest in bcaneas ■ '*] Doctor : " Well, why don't you proptwa tffl , the girl?" Prison-keeper :' " You will have in -woritf, here, Moriarty, tot yon may eeteofc «nj] trade you wish." - Prisoner: "WbU, iti t it's all the same to you, sor^ Oi'd Sake toiv be <a sailor." '■' Auntie was trying" to induce a little I>oyf j to go to bed at sundown by saying that) ' the little chickens wen* to roost aft ttort;. time. "Yes," said he, "bnfc the oH hen.' goes with them." Mistress: "Bid: you tell tne lady I w«T I out?" Maid : " Yes, mm." Misfcrew sj "Did she seem to have any doubts about! HI" Maid: "No, mm. She said she^ knew you wasn't." Teacher : " Now/Tommy, if your fa/the^ tod a five-dollar note, andl he gave i* toi; your motiher to take onib two dollars for herself, what would be left?"- Tommy) .(promptly): "P*." >„ '• "I always, look out for number on*,'* said the selfish man. " Dei,'* ybn?" fr Well, . hardly," said the person addressed, ivibotj ; -_ happened to be a widow. "I an* lookup J out for number two." ;; f AN U^I>ESIBA!BIiE. "Why do you eeemi to dSslibei Mr Sirapv son, Mrs Hopkins?" . " Oh, he's itihe man who never crones to* your house without puffing up tihe broken window-shade, sitting in tihe disabled chair, or getting the cracked tea-cap." . ■ \». KERBSTONE CRICKET. Cricket in the slums is toot -without it» ■ humour. While an exciting match was iir. progress the other evening, an urchin's ( bowling suddenly received a rode check. < " Look art what yer^ anloin.' of I My, j 'cad ain't lher wicket,*' cried the youthful ' batsman. : . i "Sorry; 'aye iti urt yep ?' t ; - <ic Taint that I mean; yerVe been: »n*" gone and split ther joeW borl 1* j GETTING EVEN WITH HER. Two Joneses lived next door to eachi. otner, and, 'having to call on one of them, f Brown, of course, went fo Hie wrong house.,A crabbed servaint answered the bSlj «mid, '• on 'Brown asking, "Is this Mr Jones'?" ahe! replied snappishly, as if she bad been bothered -with/ ma.ny sucib inquirie*, "No,f y it ain't!" and slammed the door im Mb j face. ..->■••-• • -f -'■' Brown walked on a few 1 yards or so, >wiheni a bright thought struck -ham. He returned at once, And rang the same beH again.. Again ithe crabbeo. servant appeared. y i •' Who said it -was?" asked Browai trinnw . . phaatly, and walked away. ; . . SLIGHTLY AWKWABD. A pretty little Frenchwoman went into one of the newspaper offices recently, and! with a positive ai* gassed an advertisement through the window. The clerk looked all it for a moment, smiled, and then said: "The English is a little awkward, miss^"Would you like to make any dkwgeaV- 1 The pretty -woman tossed her head. (_ " No, in'sieur, I zink I know how to w«t*^ ze good Inglis."' . 'I The clerki smiled again. jj "AH righi," and he waft«h«d *he littWj woman as she sailed out of the door, Tne next morning the "ad." appeared: { i Pupils Wanted. — Mdlle. Marcotfce re*» i spectfully announces ithait she wishes t»! show her tongue to the yooog). Englishr 'i ladies. •■ , THEN THE M.P. PASSED ON. \, ; A good story is just now going xoumi-/ ■■"; about a certain well-knoimi ipoEtrcian. For if a long time he\has been! in. the habit" otjk buying an evening piper in; Westminster' > on'his .way to ithe^ House, and nsually froarf the same newspaper boy. One evening/ however, by some chsfcnce he had not wit-hf him the necessary penny for* his accustomed? purchase, and intimated as anudh to th* ; youthful news vendor. " Never mind," replied the other,, - k vot< > can pay me for it to-morrow." " But my hoy,'' said the M.P., solemnly^ - • " perhaps I may not be alive to-morrow." "Well," answered the boy, simply, "if that is so, it will be no great' loss, after, all." . : The legislator looked at him, gasped^ and passed on in silence. PUNCTUALITY JN EXTREMIS. Once an old Englishman, James Scotti ' by name, travelled about on business until he was nearly eighty years of age. He became celebrated for fes -punctuaßty and his methodical habits. Upon one occasion at / gentleman stopped at an inn much frequented by Mr Scott, and saw a fine fowl cooking. , j "That is ve/y good," said "the hungry^ guest. " You may serve that for my din-* 1 "You cannot have that, sir," replied the** landlord. "That is being cooked for Mtf Scott, the traveller." J± " I know Mr Scott very well," said thw~ gentleman. "Is he stopping here?" f* '\Oh, no, sir," answered the landlord^ " But six months ago he ordered a f owl <tdT be ready for him* at precisely two o'clocd^. to-day, and we are expecting him everjj^ minute." . - ' .«, — y$ AN UNLUCKY POSITION. »£r The other day Browne was standing in '& V railway station, huddled up in tfhe long Bnej^ of passengers waiting for <the 'booking offica' - to open, when the man in front of aim,, af ?* nervous-looking individual, turned amdl »„ said: > i " I beg your pardon, but are you super^ l^^ stitious ?" j*"i "Not at. all," said Browne, slighilyf-.r* amused. Jfe "Well, would you mind very mwHT^ changing places with> me? I see I'm. *&•* thirteenth in the line, and I'm— er—afraiJ I couldn't have luck on the journey, and— >r^v ah " \U^- • And, of course, Browne changed place* j^ without another word. fT^r But when, later on, he missed his puTMr** and gold snuff-box from his overcooff*^ pocket — well — well . t JNt&* There is a yearning look in Browne's eytVjdS! now, and it is observed that he ahrayC\J-^ takes the fourteenth place everywhere. f^y "OF AGE" AT FOUR. jjr The succulent oyster has af rived at ni9r*'r turity when he has celebrated his fourth^ birthday ; he is then considered capable 01-, locking after a family*, voting for thaX County Council (or whatever is eqnivalenfcrS to that sort of thing in • the Bfe of a; bi^ valve), and seeing fife generally. 1 If you Avisb to discover the age of th<f) cyster that is being prepared for your de/ lectation, you can do this without muex trouble. You cannot examine his teeih^ but you can do something that answeM. . the same purpose — countt -the lines or> wrinkles in the groove of the hinge of th#< shell. They tell the story. / It does not follow that an oyster is noU^ .fit for the table when it has passed tiia*: age, although these bivalves are not ex* ceptions to the rule tha* the older a crea-7 ture grows the tougher it becomes. Soow oysters with ten tell-tale lines h»v% btet& found delicious. There , is a statement t«r the effect - that one was eaten thaii WfMii boast of thirty summers; but we adyfee A* swallowing of this story witfh a jpaifll f 0 -two of pepper or *ft«tle vinegar