FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 6467, 22 April 1899, Page 6

FUN AND FANCY.

— • + • ■••■■" Fader's- gettin 1 better. 'E's-beginnin*-ter swear again." Sailors are hard workers; they are often compeUed to serve three-masters Tommy.- "Pa, what is a football coach?" Mr Figq : " The ambulance I should imagine." "That woman next door went and got a hat exactly like mine:" " Did you make a, fuss about it?" "No; I gave mine to the cook." : ' Brutally Stupid. — Miss de'Vere: "Ours is a, very'old family, Mr BIoo." Mr Bloo:; "So I perceive. Have you no brothers or sisters younger than yourself?" "Many a young man," said Uncle Eben, " makes dp mistake oh his life in lookin' fob consolation m poh'iry, when he orfcer ' be takin' some gocd, reliable liver medicine.'' If your friend, who has been cultivating a kitchen garden all summer, looks thin and wan, don't lay it wholly to hard work. He may be trying to live on what he has raised. ■ ' ■ If everybody improved the minutes with the zest that a hen puts into her 1 work while making a surreptitious five minutes' call in a' flower garden, what a World; this would be. ■..'...',-""'"■' ; . ' .'' " She "Why : is it, I ••fonder,. •■.that little men so j often marry large women?" He: 'I don't know, unless it is that little fellows are afraid to back but of engagements." -„ . ■■" • ■ , . " See ller e- young man," said the. stem latner, if you don't "come home earlier after this, I'll know the reason why." 'Glad to hear it, governor ; thfot will save , all explanation on my part." He (reading) : "Of 'love that never found his earthly close — -" She (interrupting) : "Isnt lennyson grand? You can always learn something from him, ' Now I understand why Cupid is always represented without any. But please go on." Smart Youth (to rustic old party on opposite side of railway carriage) : " You seem to be looking at me . pretty closely. Do I remind you of Eomeoody .you used to know? 1 Rustic Old Party. " Yes ; you remind me of an aunt of mine in Whitechapel, only she's got a little more moiistache than you have." " Oh, no, ma'am," pleaded the tramti, you may tbink my life ' all sunshine, but it aint. Wherever I go, I am beset with dangers. In fact, ' ma/am, ' I carry mv life in my hands." —Ah, I see ," earned the temporary. hostess. "That accounts for your not washing your hands. . You don't dare - to do it for fear you'll drown yourThe Young Rector (in evident embarrassment) : "My dear M":ss Clara •I " • trying to leave his chair— "I believe I nave formed an— attachment, and " Miss Clara (blushing furiously) ■ » Oh Arthur— l mean Mr Greene— this is so unexpected -I must—-" The Young Rector (frantically): " Beg pardon, Miss Clara • but I was about to say I have "formed an attachment for this chair due to the presence of a bit of cobbler's wax placed here by that unregenerate brother of yours " (Intense delight of the small boy in ambush.) EQUAL TO THE OCCASION. Mr Shoddy : " Yas, that's the armah used by my anoestah who came ovali with the Conquerah." ■ • Young Lady (after examining the armour carefully) : "It says, ' Made in Germany ' on the gauntlet." Mr Shoddy : " Oh, yes. My ancestah— er— started from there, don't yer know." MUCH MORE SENSIBLE. " Then," read little ilanny Grogau, " the noble knight threw his glove in tlio face of the craven, earl." "'And fwat did he do that for?" asked Mr Grogan. "To insult him, sure, dad." " Oi do think," said the parental Grogan reflectively, "that there would have beeu more sinse in his conduct had he kep' his fisht m his glove at the toime ay throwin' it." NO APPREHENSION. 'A waiter in a hotel went to the manager, complaining he had stuck a fork in his finger. «T Oh 4 fchabs notnin g!" said the manager. It will be all right in the morning." "Oh, sir I should not be afraid if the fork was silver," returned the waiter You may be perfectly easy," was the reply, for all the forks are silver." " Oh, tlien, I don't feel alarmed, sir I thought they might be plated." The next day the waiter disappeared, taking all the forks with him ! v . DANGEROUS GROUND J^L^M? Cm '^'> Miss MatchShe : " Yes ; quite renowned' for the number of proposals that have been made here He: "H'm— yes By-the-bye, they're bo- , ginning the waltz. proposed to Miss Pyke. here just as we are now, and he said, quite I abruptly, just as you might say to me, ' Will you be mine?' and she said, as I might say I to you — — J He: " Ah, yes— quite so ; but hadn't we better have a spin round?" ANSWERS BEFORE QUESTIONS ™l? Udon TV ir> " be ««»p't*e inquisitive passenger, bending m a confidential way whafc^L^ seat before him, "but "Adam was the first man," replied the dyspeptic-looking man in front, m a cold grey monotone. "Moses was the meekest man, there never was any meekest woman Columbus discovered America. i n t ha winter of 1847 and 1848 potatoes formed almost the. sole food of the IT ££fi£ eternity. White sheep eat more than black ones, because there are more of them A door is not. a door when it's ajar. Yes' itis a good morning, and I have used every! body s soap. I " " : J "Excuse me! But— e r — er— what are you trying to-ah-get at?" interrupted the inquisitive one, much astonished at the 1» 1S attempt had precipitated. "The foregoing information," was the grim answer, in the same accentless voice, is all I know about anything of any name wTS^ mCal ' J / istorica l. statistical, biographical, geographical, conundrumical or otherwise— past, present or future, now and forever! I don't know anything eke of any kind, character, style, slmpe or colour good, bad or indifferent. I not only do not know anythin else, but I dont want to. M y name is William fcuffern Smith ; lam forty-three years old and a widower. I have the following relatives, or, rather, they have me— namely, one mother-in-law, who was born to command; three brothers-in-law, who wer» born to be hanged, but have thus far escaped; two maiden sisters-in-law of the vintage of 1842. Since the death of my wife these several relatives have lived on mn like a pack of cannibals. My mother-in-law is sure my wife would have been alive now if it had not been for my conduct. My brothers-in-law have differed with, arid also from, me in politics and all other questions; they have worn my clothes; spent my money, and treated me with contumely and derision. One , of my sisters-in-law is stage-struck, and the other "has been subject to swooning - spells for years. The whole outfit has ground into me their superior wisdom, their views of life and preferences in everything : they have henpecked, flouted and abused me, world without end. Yesterday I laid my "coat and hab on the bank of the river, swam across and' disappeared in the woods, leaving my kith and kin to mourn mo as dead. lam never gohia: back unless I am overtaken and hypnotised. I don't know anything of interest to tell anybody, and I don't want to bear anything that anybody else has to tell. I want nothing in the world but peace. If you don't let me alone ni throw my gripsack out of the window and iuinn after it! I have spoken!" J"'»l' Thereupon the speaker withdrew into his shell, leaving the inquisitive passenger in * state --closely- bordering on -collapse!