FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 6362, 17 December 1898, Page 6

FUN AND FANCY.

The groundless rumour covers ground rapidly. It .doesn't take a. strong man-to break his own pledges. ■ ■< ; There is quite a difference between. having * "nerve" and "nerves." He : " She has such a sad face." ' She?* : "I should say it would make anyoneasad to : have such a face'.". ' , * Brown : " What would you do-i£tsomea_e should leave you £I0,0(K)?" Jones:. "I sup-; pose I'd begin to realise how little.'£lo,ooo really is." Miss Narragamsett Pier (coming_prpv-nd-denly) : "Ouch! Where-tfid tha* warvego?" Mr Narragansett Pier (g-uqjing-for&reath) s "I swallowed it." "Ma, the minister is coming." "What makes you think so? Did jwi..«ee>hii_-?" " No, but I saw pa take*_he pan__.a_d-.6ck, it up in the stable." -_. .Algernon : " Lobkf o_t "there ! Wbabvaxe you .<losngl ( ,, Insoletit Barbra. :" " fiaaj&aiHi * * ming ybur^yebrowi; sir: I'fciiVffi&itm*. v thing on your face' to shave;" '*• -' ; Little Willie: "Pa, why_ do they ' call' ' them 'minor -poets'?". Pa:. " Becatofeitiiiy . ought iofbe working with ai pi^f eifidysifofcel'' instead of "writing pbefetyj''my>-sl__." -'\ : ' : .* * . Lady (meeting her fannei i %r^^:V ,ii &_^'?' Mary, I suppose yoaaj*&gestfeing*b-_*fcer»wagea * at your new place?" "Maiy: ' r N6; - nia^i, I'm working for nothingjiow^-PB-^iacried." ' Dr Oliver Wendell 'Holmes-was Zjp!-__4}__l siastic amateur photographs. -What , he presented a pictare to his-friendthe wrote-ou the back of it—" Taken by O. W. Hoknas and Sun." ... ... /, X'Z Rev Dr Fourthly : -". How do-you.Jnan»e to get your salary paid. up :in ,fifl_*owrv" • year?" Rev Dr Fifthly : "I give^the- people to understancbthat wifclout it I shall betm- ■'. able to tiake- my usual vacation." She : " How is it thai you somefcim&show ••*. such masculine energy, aaid J again such womanly indecisian.?" He : " Oh, I sup- - pose it is a - matter- of -jnbfiritance. . YouseeT half of my ancestors were-men^and half*wera women !" -•■■■■■ ... Doctor : " I hope your hxasband follow^ ' my. praswription." Mr? Cfeabhs,: -:'Nt*v inr.: deed ! .If ;he hadfhe would have "Tjjpoiken his"," neck.!.^ Doctor :" " Broken WneekJ? .Sirs '-.. -ChubV: "Y^s. He.threw itfoijt of \. the"-., ■■' fouctK.fsipfy *w_odow." , .. / .' '"'■ Mamma : "It is very naughty to tell lies, - Eva. People who do so don't go to heaven^"*..' Eva : " Did you .ever tell alie,*.:man__na??.. : Mamma : "No, dear, never." Eva.: ".Won't you be fearful lonely in heaven, mamma, :.* with only George Washington?"--"I have just wead," said GhoUie,' ""that ' the gweat Napoleon spent more than 4000 dol* a yeah on dwess. It 'tewwifies me." r "What terrifies you, you idiot?" asked his disgusted father.. "To find that we are so similar. Who knows what I am one of' those destiny fellows." A member of the House, of Commons is' alleged to have ridden up to Lord Palmerston as the latter was taking an airing in Rotten Row, and— touching him with his whip — to have said: — "My Lord, consider yourself horsewhipped!'' .The Prime Minister immediately dived his hand into his pocket, pulled out a. latchkey, and, levelling it at his assailant, exclaimed — "Sir, consider yourself shot !" . ZK few years ago in Parliament, a .London member sat down, after his maiden ; speech, _ on a new silk hat which he had. provided in • honour of the auspicious occasion, and as he was ' ruefully surveying his battered headgear, to • the amusement . of the unfeeling spectators, an Irish representative rose and gravely said:— f ' Mr Speaker,. permit me to. congratulate the honourable member on jbhe happy circumstance that, when. he sab on his hat his head was not in it." WHAT SHE- WAS BUILDING A : New. York Sunday school teacher tells the following . experience : — I was performing the superintendent's duty of "summingup." The! lesson had been the iittle--pa_rabla of the wise and foolish builders. Withelaborate explicitness I had pointed out that: we are! all builders of fife and character,and had, I flattered myself, made *my mean- - iug sufficiently clear to venture upon the • question,' "What kind of houses aire I'*1 '* ■we"'', •building ?" To my hopeless disscomfifcufey and to the delight of the whole school," the young* scoundrel shouted, "Flate .!*" . THE REWARD OF HAUGHTINESS: *■"■•' The other day a Yorkshire chemist was' awakened about, one o'clock in the morning, by a lad clamouring at his shop door. Opening his bedroom windorw, he saw. a, small boy, who, was gesticulating wildly.- * "What's the matter ?" inquired "thechemist. . "I want a penn-orth o' camphorated: chloroform fort' .toothache," howled-* the * lad. ..... The chemist was not overjoyed when, he found how small the order was for which he had been so rudely awakened from his slumber, but taking pity on the sufferer, he • dressed himself and went downstairs to supply the much-desired relief. While measur-' ing the drug he could not help doing a growl" at the lad. "It's like' your cheek," he observed, _-'t« wake me up at this time of the night for a' paltry penn'orth of chloroform." • "Oh, is it?" said the, boy, .resentfully*;' "then I'll tek. mi custom somewheer . elsef Ye oan keep yer cbjorof orm..' I wean't.he'v. it neaw for yer blooming „s auce.". . ' Z"Z '— And he didn't. He went • off quite indig--nantly, nursing his jaw, to wake up anotherchemist. • .~

. . A RIGHT 'UN. yJ She can peel and boil potatoes, ■■_.••■"• Make a salad of tomatoes, • *~ But she doesn't know a Latin noun . from Greek; And so well she cooks a chicken That your appetite * 'twould quicken, • But she cannot tell what's modern from tut tique. -, — ..- . ...... •'.. „. „ .. She knows how to .set"' a table, : •" - And : maks order~ out. 6£*-Babel, .'. ' • ''"?■" But she doesn't kitbw S-uripida' Jrthfi Sjui'tS 3 ?*- -o_ee'-_t making cake I caiight'her, '•'-"•■ ■''-•""*- -■ :.•- A real expert, must have taught her,; .". ! -: X But she' cannot tell true. e}oqvence^&Qm-£aia£; •_. She has qujte_a, &m,_amvij3tion v ' ' ••*,".''<■• SEe ought ohTy'to read . ficiidji/'' • ''YY'.'.. And she doesn't care' .'for r 6cienbe not '-a r)ait}XZ * She likes a plot that thickens, •" $ :■'- '' And she's very- fond' of Dickens, From " Copperfield " to " Martin r Chuzzlewit.' 1 * She can make her hats and dresses Till a fellow fair confesses That there's not another maiden half so swee^** She.'s immersed in home completely Where she keeps all things so neatly "".' But from Tennyson a line she can't repeat. .-, (Thank goodness!) "Well, in fact, she's just a maiden That whatever she's arrayed in Makes her look just like the heroine of a playj' 'Twould be foolish to hav© tarried, - So to-morrow we'll he married, And I'm certain I shall ne'er regret "the day.

SWEET REVENGE. .The Judge had never taken a Turkish baili, but he was not feeling his best* thafc mdrning, arid'it suddenly* occurred to"* him to test its vivifying ''Effects, so etithnsfestW cally 'des_i_ited upon by his young- friends: It seenied to the 1 Judge that the-ru-bet was terribly' rough v but, fearing to^ejpose his. inexperience, and subject himself to Yidi* Icule by o^jectihg^ to; the regular treatanetat,he patiently endured heing pmi^BS; punfc'*' melied, slapped, %*^ed;-whi^^..aJid poked, until he-could nofc -stand the -"tiflrfAtt _ moment -longer. ' '. yx'' " Ie — it — qui-ite— necessary^— to--m_ke , — - me — bla-ack — and — bhtet-Tall-r-over ?" pant, ed the Judge, as irregularly as the "nib. ber dug his fists in more oir less vigor*ously. ".. . ' "Never you mind; I'm fisin' you," rt-' sponded the rubber, redoubling -his assaults, and grinning diabolioally— at least so it seemed to the Judge. " Who (slap, groan) are (thud, groan) you?" gasped the Judge, a horrible suspicion dawning in hia mind. "Your (whack, groan) face (thump, groan) does (whack, groan) look (slap, groan) fa— (thud, groan) — miliar" (swisb, gman). "Oh! you remember mo, do you?" growled the rubber, sarcastically. "Well, .dash yer old hide, mebbe you'd like, to send me up for six months- again. •■ for prized fighting f *yz