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Star (Christchurch), Issue 6126, 12 March 1898, Page 6

Book Worm : " Have you a copy of * Fifteen Decisive Battles' ?" Sales lady: "No ; but I've -grjt ••'oElecolleCti6hß , : j t)l!^_' t .' married man.' " Police Sergeant : " Ate you all ready*£or the raid on the gambling establishment P" Roundsman: "Yes, I notified the proprietor yesterday." A juvenile logician : " Ma, is there any pie left in the pantry?" "There is one piece, but you can't havo it." "You are j mistaken, ma, I've had it." i " What is your name, boy P" "Ar have I noan." " Oome, come ; what does your mother call you at meal times P" "Boo's no need ; am alius theear." Wifie : " Really, Fred, I must say I tbink you are the worst-dressed man in the town," Eubby : " And you, my dear, are tho best-dressed woman, which accounts for it." "Willie Wishington," said the friend, "is one of those people who tell everything they know." "Yes," replied Miss Cayenne, wearily, " and he doesn't talk very much, either." DoaconHamby: "We're going to have , a reformed prize-fighoer talk at the temperance meeting Thursday night." The Deacon's Son : " How is it possible that h« can be reformed if be still talks?" Maud: "Why : has Lillian ,' given up: wearing rational costume P Did George object ?"• Ethel :"" Oh, no ; he said he approved of it, because it would prevent her attracting any other man's admiration." Maude: "Do you know, I really believe that Tom is going to propose." Bertha: "I noticed that he was looking terribly Bad about something or other, but then, you know, dear, it may not be that. Perhaps his mother is sick, or possibly he isn't feeling well himself." Little Boy (pointing to tbe Bhop window): ""What's them P" Mother :" Those are diving suits, made all of rubber, so that the diver shall not get wet," Little • Boy : " I wish I had one." Mother : " Why —what for, my dear ? " Little Boy : "To wear when you wash me." " It's real mean !" the young woman exclaimed. "What's the matter ?" her mother inquired. " Before I married Herbert! made him promise to pass every evening at home with me, and now he Bays he's Ecrry he can't take nic to the -theatre ; without breaking his word ." L Patient (who has just had his eyo-y operated upon) : "Doctor, it seems to me \ ten guineas is a high price to charge 1 fof y that job. It didn't take you ton seConds/U Eminent Oculißt: "My dear friend, in. learning to perform that operation in ten ' seconds, I have spoiled more than 1 two bushels of such eyes as yours." Scorjel : " Bonis, what are you looking so blue about ? Have you lost a friend ?" Struggling Author : " I sent a copy of my last play .to Naggus, the reviewer, the other day, and he has just written it up. He says it is done in my 'happiest vein.'" Scorjel : " Well, whaf s wrong with that ?" Struggling Author : " Confound it, it's a tragedy !" STILL THE LANDLADY SCORED. " You have a very nice-looking landlady," said A to his friend B- — , who lived in "diggings," "but Bhe looks a sharper," lie added, in a whisper. "Yes, you are right," replied A , with the smile of a man who had long since discovered the fact; "It wants someone cutar than I am to beat that woman." "You don't say so!" " Yes 5 when I first came here a Btrong suspicion grew on me that the landlady helped herself rather freely to the victuals which I brought in for myself. I would stop her little game, T thought. So, accordingly, one day I brought home a chop and a pound of new potatoes. Having connted'the potatoes, and finding there were -ten in all, I handed them over to be cooked. When the meal was ready and the covers had been removed, I strained my nock to ccc the result of my little ruse, when " " You found nearly half of them gone, I suppose ?" " No, nothing of the Bort. They were mashed !" THEN THE EDITOR FLED. " Excuse me ! Do I see the managing editor, Mr Quill ? " asked a brawny-looking female of the proprietor of the JabrilU Luminary. "We don't wish any poetry, thank you." "I don't t " "Yes, yes ; I know. I can't stop to hear it -just now." " But I tell you I don't " " Well, it don't make any difference ; I have a barrel full of gushing effusions on unrequited love down the cellar already." " You mieunder " "Look here, madam. How d'you get in her© P I've got a man outside that I pay 6d a head to throw spring poetry fiends down the stairs;" " You idiot! Pm no noetry fiend. I just took your man and left him .tick, .g head down in an ash-bar r_J. If you say anything more to me, I'll wedge you in alongside of him. I'm a nurse, I am. The doctor told me to run down here, and tell you, if you are Mr Quill, that the baby is a boy, that it weighs 91b, and your wife wants you to come right home and ccc it." "Great Cssar! Why didn't you say so bet first? Where's my hat?"