FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 6120, 5 March 1898, Page 4

FUN AND FANCY.

"Thou art fair, but thou art false," the sadly said. Then she laid her blonde hair on the dressing-table. " I am very much surprised to hear that they are married. I thought he was merely flirting with her." "He thought 60, tOO." "Is your baby intelligent P" "Intelligent ! Why, if she wasn't she'd never be able to understand the language my wife talks to her." " Waiter, look here ! Isn't that a hair in the butter ? " " Yes, sir ; a cow's hair, sir. We always serva one with the butter, to show it isn't margarine." Benham (during a quarrel) : " Well, If you want to know it, I married you for your money." Mrs Benbam : " I wish I could tell as easily what I married you for." A north of England paper says : — "We have adopted the eight-hour system in this office. We commence work at 8 o'clock in the morning and close at 8 in the evening." " Great men," remarked the thoughtful youth, "are frequently misunderstood by the public." "That," replied Senator Sorghum, gravely, "is very true. And mighty lucky it is for some of them." Bigamy. — "How came you in yonr present position, my poor man P" " Simply through marrying a new woman, ma'am. " Imposoible ! thatfsnota criminal offence." " Ah, but yer see the old woman was Btill alive." Mrs Porkley: "I often wonder how people manage to understand each other in Prance." Mrs Gotham: "How absurd!" Mrs Porkley : " Well, both my daughters speak French, and they can't understand each other." Old Lady : " You said the train that I should take leaves at 10.30, didn't you P" Booking- Clerk : " Yes, madam ; and I think I've told you that about ten timeß already." Old Lady: "Yes, I know you have; but my little nephew says he like to hear you talk." Considerate. — Doctor (opening door) : " Have you been long here P " Pat (who has been hammering at the door for half . an hour): "Indadel have, sor." Doctor: " But why didn't you ring the night bell ?" Pat : " Och, because I was afraid of disturbin' yer honour." "Where is my meerschaum pipeP" asked Mr Younghusband, prowling around his library, angrily. " Here it is, dear," replied Mrs Younghusband, offering him a dark-coloured object. " You know I knew how long you'd been trying to colour it and how anxious you were about it, and so to-day I was very busy, like a good little wife, and painted it beautifully in oils and a little gilding. I knew you'd like it." i TO BE KEPT SECRET. He was a great bore, and was talking to a crowd about the coining local election. Said he : " Gibbs is a good man ; he is capable, honest, fearless and conscientious. He will make the very kind of representative we need. He once saved my Ufa from drowning." "Do you really want to see Gibbs elected P" said a solemn -faced old man. " I do, indeed. I'd give anything to Bee him elected," answered the bore. " Then never let anybody know he saved your life," counselled the solemn-faced man. HER ONLY SON. Fussy Old Gentleman (to chance travelling lady companion): "Have you any children P" " Yes, sir ; a son." " Ah, indeed ! Does he smoke P" "No,' sir; he has never bo much as touched a cigarette." "So much the better, madam ; the use of tobacco is a poisonous habit. Does he frequent the clubs P" 11 He has never put his foot in one." " Allow me to congratulate you. Doea he never come home late ?" "Never. He goes to bed directly after dinner." " A model young man, madam, a model young man. How oldis he P" "Just two months." ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT. The old man examined the tandem critically. " So you take the girls riding on that, do you ?" he asked atlast. The young man smiled and nodded. " And you put bhe girl on that front seat and you sit; on the back one P" persisted the old man inquiringly. " That's it," replied the young man. " Well, I s'pose it'B all right," the old man said, with a sigh, " but it never would have done in my day. When I was a youn£ lad and wanted to take a pretty girl riding, I never would have put her on a seat ahead of me that way unless her head swung on a pivot and could be turned round 5 so's it wouldn't be so wretchedly unhandy." HOW TO SING WITH EXPRESSION. It was a musical evening. There was a sort of interval between parts first and second, aud in the midst of the conversation in progress, one of the assembly, a little deaf, leant over to his neighbour and sof fcly remarked : "Miss Brown Smith unquestionably is giving much expression to her song, but I can't hear a sound of her utterances. How does she sing ?" The one addressed glanced in the designated direction, and perceived Miss Brown Smith's mouth open and shut with apparently unwonted rapidity. He looked at her a moment, and then said, with a smile : ' < "She is not ringing, my friend; she is only chewing jujubeß." A PLEASANT SUNDAY. He had coasted downhill, over rough stones, until he was jolted into nervous despair. He was hoping for a better way back, but iu his desire to find new roads and new experiences he had wandered far, and he was lost. He dismounted and leant disconsolately over his machine. Suddenly ' a native came rouud the bend of the road. " Can you tell me how I can get baok to town ? " he asked. "Ye kin* go the way ye come, but I 'spects ye'll have to carry that thing on yer back." "Yes, I know; but is there no other road?" "Ye kin go round by the schoolhouße, but the sand is 'bout a foot deep." " Is that the only way ? " " No ; ye kin go over the river way ; but es the bridge was washed away last week, ye'll have to swim a good bit to get across." " Then what am I to do P " " I don't know, mister j but if I was in your place I'd pray for a balloon." QUITE WILLING TO SHOW HER. The coach was being driven up a steep mountain road, and on one side the cliff ran straight down for one hundred feet. A youth seated on the baok seat next to a loquacious damsel of uncertain age was ill a state of misery. The one being he loved most in all the world wns in the front with his hated rival, and nothing could dispel his gloom. "Oh, Mr Foster," tittered the young woman next to him, breaking in upon his meditations, "suppose the coaoh should upset, or I should fall out, would you try to save me?" "Why, of course," was the reply 5 "certainly— to be sure." "Would you really ?" she askod. "Now, tell me exactly, how." "Oh, I— er— " began the young man, intent xipon other things. " Why, I » " Oh, Mr Foster," sighed the fair one, " you don't know really what you'd do." " Well" he answered, thoroughly aroused, "'if you me, why, I'll show you just what." *' How can you show me r she whispered. " Can you truly give me some proof P" " " Yes," ho returned. " All you have to do is to' prooeod to tuuiblo out— and I'll prove the rest to everybody's Batisfao.tion."