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Star (Christchurch), Issue 5760, 2 January 1897, Page 4

" Why are your sandwiches so small ?" "Because the train stops for so short a time."

He : "Darling, we'll have a lot to contend with when we are married." She : " Yes, dear, we'll have each other."

" Folks dat is alius lookin' foh trouble " said Uncle Eben, "hab jes' one ting ter brag erbout. Dey doan 5 hardly eber git disapp'inted."

"Undo Hiram, your pumpkins at tho show are enormous this year." " Ya'as. I helped 'em along 'th my darter's new bisickle pump." i 1 a K S^crally the gun that wasn't loaded that does tho mischief, and it is oftentimes the man who hasn't anything m him that hits the mark A native wrote thus to an English missionary at Lagos, apologising for not coming to see hun_«had not distance preponderated, I should have approximated to sco you. A fellow said to me the other day "If t were you I wouldn't be a fool'"' And really, on thinking ifc over, I half believo the fcLow- was right. But ho didn't mean it that way.

Tho Fiancee : " I'm surprised at you ' I saw you flirting with her!" The Fiance* "I swear, Priscilla, you are mistaken j Beauty has no charms— nevor had any charms — for me !"

The Scottish toper, says J. M. Barrio gives way first in the legs, the southern in the other extremity, and thus between them could be constructed a man wholly sober, and another as drunk as Chloe.

Professor of English (to young man) : " How would you punctuate the following : — 'The beautiful girl for such was she was passing down the street?'" Student: "I think, Professor, T would make a dash after the beautiful girl." . -—* She : " That lame man with one eye over 'Sj there, whom everybody calls captain— was V| he in the army during the war?" He: y " Oh, no. He got his title and injuries as captain of a college football team." She : " Oh, how. lovely ! The brave fellow ! "

A Neighbourly Revenge. — "Isn't Mrs Jarvis an agreeable neighbour?" "Jto, she's horrid. I gave a dinner and didn't invite her, and the mean creature lent me a lot of spoons and forks, and then sent her little boy over for them when ne were only in the second course."

"I could have laughed outright," said Mrs Brown, " when wo were going round the menagerie on Friday." " Why, what haj>pened?" asked Mrs Jones. "Well, Mrs Smith called an anijial a scraph — of course, she meant a giraffe ; but the fun of it was, it wasn't a girnffe at all — it was a camomile ! "

" Oh, Harold, lasfc night I dreamt I died and went to purgatory ; and how do you suppose I was punished?" "My dear little wife has never done anything deserving of punishment," replied the gallant Harold ; " but what did you dream ? " "I was made, to do all the things I had ever told my acquaintances I would do if I were in their places. Oh, it was too horrible to think of."

During a winter visit to Florida Mr Andrew Carnegie attended a service in a> little negro church. When tho contribution, plate came ronnd, Mr Carnegie dropped a five-dollar bill into it. After the contents of the plate had been counted, the clergyman arose and announced: — •'Brethereix and sisteren, the collection this evening seems to figure up six dollars and fortyfour cents ; and if tho five-dollar bill contributed by the gentleman from the north is genuine, the repairs on tho sanctuary will begin immediately."