THE IDLER.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 5454, 4 January 1896, Page 4

THE IDLER.

You may live a very lifetime of apprehension in " the flying of a wheel," and I take it that most people have at one time or another had experience of the multiplicity of sensations that may be crowded into an infinitesimal portion of time. Let me illustrate this, a friend of mine was out on his bike the other day, and had to cross the Stanmore bridge. On the bridge were some boys, fishing with rod and line for the unwary herring. Just as my friend was at the middle of the bridge, a rod was jerked with the tremendous energy that characterises boys when fishing ; the line, with a herring at the end of it, flew upward and outward, and in very much lobs time than it takes to tell, was neatly coiled round my friend's neck, the herring reposing on one of his shoulders. V

It was a queer predicament. The merest glance had revealed the fact that that hook was ready for business. The man on the bike could not by any possibility stop instantaneously, and if the boy gave only the slightest jerk, that hook would : — ! But the boy didn't do this. In a flash he had grasped the situation, and was running along, rod in hand, to keep pace with the slowing bike. Still, it was with' a feeling of intense relief that my friend got rid of the latest thing in neckties.

# "Simply beastly." It is not a nice comment, but then it was applied to the Christchuroh streets, and they are not nice. For an example of how not to do it, commend me to "Road-making as she is practised by the City Council." Months and months ago, the Council spent a lot of money in forming and metalling the North Belt extension, from Barbadoea Street eastward ; but, though it possesses a steam roller the rough metal was never touched, and nobody ever ventured to drive over it. Now, the roadway looks from a little distance like a strip of a weedy paddock, and gorse is springing up in it here and there. Net result : Money wasted.

V ■-. And then, the street "mending." A cartload of metal is dragged along, and a few shovelfuls are dropped here and there, to be scattered "all over the shop " by the hoofs of horses and the wheels of vehicles. Why, quite an imposing stone-yaxd could be filled with the vagrant stones that bestrew the streets, and cause people to express themselves in terms that make up in force what they lack in elegance. There's no doubt about the fact that the condition of the city roadways is positively disgraceful.

V , One of the things that helps to make them bo, is the "don't-care-a-damative-ness " that characterises those who, in the minds of simple folk, are supposed to look after matters. Gas-men or drain-men breakup the street, dig a deep trench, fill it up again, and' leave a mound that looks like an eccentric grave. But nobody ever troubles about that mound any moresave those who have to drive, or ride bikes over it, and they— well, they say things..

It is proverbially difficult, in Law Court proceedings, to induce a woman to tell her age. She will generally fence with the question as long as possible, even if she doesn't absolutely refuse to reply. But there are ways of getting at it, as the subjoined little bit of cross-examination will show: — Magistrate: "Your name P" Bashful Maiden: "Anna Lang." "Eeligion?" "Protestant." . "Ajge?" (No answer.) " When were your parents married ?" "In 1863." " When was the first christening ?" " 1864." " How many brothers and sisters have you?" "Five." "Are you the eldest?" "Yes." "Then you are thirtyone years of age?" "Yes. (Sotto yoce) I have given my age awj»y. lam surprised ! "

" It is very curious," said the first man, and he asked, "Haven't you noticed the fact that the cleverer the -wife, the, more stupid the husband?" The second man made answer to the effect that he had observed this, and that it was really re* markable how generally the rule applied. "Ah," rejoined the first man, " You should *be happy in having such a clever wife." And after the second man had thought this thing over for a long time, he somehow didn't feel quite comfortable about it.

The Government having introduced deer into this country, and placed them under State protection, must perforce accdpt all responsibility that maybe connected therewith. Therefore the Ministerial mind will, no doubt, be somewhat concerned with re? gard to a case that is ibo come before the Minnesota Courts. A. man named Phair, while out shooting, was attacked by a moose-deer. Now the law in Minnesota prohibits the shooting of the moose, and as Phair could not use his gun, he was badly worsted, which he thinks is not phair. (May I be pardoned, at this season of the year). Therefore he is proceeding against the State for damages, on the plea that he was attacked by a ward of the State, and was not permitted to defend himself. ** ■ . A nice point, that, with nice legal pickings promising. The deer that we have introduced are not quite so large as an animal that is said to be sometimes higher at the shoulders than a horse, and to f carry hftrns that may weigh between forty and fifty pounds, and that can trot comfortably over such obstacles as big trees that have fallen. Still, it is possible for our common or garden variety of deer to get into a "scot" and present a formidable front to an intruder. What if the venturesome Lands Minister were himself to be one day assailed by one or two of his own "wards ?" What a subject, it might be for a new ballad.

Not always is the detective successful in his setting of traps for the tuiwary. Take the following, for example :— (trying to trap Bookie in a public bar) : What will you give me on the Great Northern Derby ? , Bookie : Ten to one, bar three.. 1 Detective: Which three? Bookie: You two tecs and the Magistrate

j It is a good old custom for a newspaper [ to wish for its readers " a happy new year," and the editor who cannot screw himself up to be thus far complimentary must be of a morbidly-minded sort. The readers of the morning Conservative journal had to go without that wish, so that presumably they are supposed to be Les Miserables of New Zealand, and to regard cheerfulness as positively sinful. The review of 1895 penned by the Press was a positive wail, its grief being intensified by the fact that the Midland Railway arbitration case had been decided in favour of the Government. "Oh, for an onion, to produce the semblance of a tear." *** The newspapers keep us pretty well posted in the latest developments, but I don't remember to have seen, in the local journals, any reference to the " spooning parties " that have been instituted in "Merker." The little game is played in this way. — The guests having been duly invited; as many spoons are provided, and every spoon is attired in doll dress, male and female. Each guest, as he or she arrives, is presented with a spoon, and must look for the bearer of the spoon that is complementarily attired. Then those two "spoons " are partners for the evening. Useful, no doubt, as a means for stimulating bashful young men, but a dangerous sort of amusement, one would fancy, for ! those who are not matrimonially inclined. S. Lippbr Dease.