THE IDLER.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 5357, 7 September 1895, Page 4

THE IDLER.

There was never yet a oase—well, hardly ever—bob there was a woman in it, even though the pettiooajb influence might be so much in subjection as hot to be easily detected. Bat woman ii coming very muoh to the front nowaday*, and is going to avert herself in the courts of law as we'll as elsewhere. A woman, a Mrs Fleay, waß one of the parties to a suit-*Francii Foy being the other— that has already engaged counsel and a fall benoh of New South Wales judges, and that bids fair, to become a cause cilibre in legal annals. The crax of the dispute is the right of ponution to two inohea of land, and one can readily understand the fervour with which the Chief Justice condemned the grievous waste of time and money over such an infinitesimal , bit of real estate. Onto of the Judges, indeed, went bo far ai to advise the litigants to toaa np for it. But there's a woman in it, and When a. woman gays she will, she willl ; And you may depone wt ; And when she Bays she won't, she won't, ' And there's an end on't. * * Of course, you hare heard the expression, "painting the town ted," and equally of course, yon hare some sort of glimmering idea of some sdrt of meaning that may be attached thereto. But it strikes me as rather novel to apply an expression of this sort to parliamentary proceedings. I find the following in the leading columns of a contemporary:— "Mr — m particular, made a speech highly coloured with lurid party paint, and one whioh conclusively proves him incapable of rising above party prejudices, when occasion demands it, on a purely national and non-party question." "Lurid party paint" is good— as an example of what ia sometimes described as "iournaleee." ' ■ v One would scarcely have imagined that owners of horses would have anything to gain, aB owners of horses, by studying the swing of the pendulum. But "we lives and learns," as the old lady said. Suppose yourself to be possessed of a kicking hotse —a horse that kioks «,or all he's worth, in season and out of season. You can cure him, a dead sure thing, and the more vicious the kicking the quicker the ewe. The modus operand* is this >— Place the horse in a narrow stall with padded sides, so that while he cannot turn round, neither can he hurt himself by any side-lunging. Now for the pendulum. Suspend a rope from some convenient part of the ceiling immediately in the rear of the horse, and for a "bob "me a saok well stuffed with hay or straw. Everything is now ready for the fun to begin. Give your pendulum a start, and the bob will strike the horse's legß. After that the animal will ewmg the pendulum for himself by kicking —until he getß tired. Then, so 'tis said, the disgusted animal never wants to kick anything again for the rest of his life. V "By their cycles shall ye know them." That, £ am assured by a wheelmaniao, is to be a law of, the future. For, since it ii praotically impossible for an inebriated individual to so far set the laws of gravity at defiance bb to mount a bike, muoh lees to ride one, the more machines you see in use, the greater the sobriety of the community. This proves, of course, that every Prohibitionist, if he wants to be regarded as " wearing the white flower of a blameless life," must be a cyclist. If he is not one, there may be dark hints such aa that contained in " Simon the Cellarer:"— Now there is a sly cupboard behind the beck stair. And the maids say they often see Marjory there. Apropos of the foregoing, id may be useful to ladieß whose spouses are members of Chrysanthemum Clubs, or other olubs, or mystic lodges wherein mystic celebrations may* perchance obfuscate the intellect, to be put up to a ''wrinkle" that I have seen recently. The following brief sentences will sufficiently explain themselves :— . Voice (at the head of the stairs) t " George, have you been drinking F" George: "N-no m'dear." Voice: "Say ' chrysanthemum P' " George (after an ominous, silence) t " I* I'm 'fraid 'm nor-vry-well." * * " The malady called love," quoth he, " Incurable is said to be. ' , And yet 'tis soothed— now nark you thii— By application of a Mas." ' The maiden liotened to each word He uttered. Then, quite deeply stirred In thought intense, she bowed her head Until at last she sighed and said, " Oh, do you think "—her eyes of jet Looked into hie. His cigarette Fell heedless, robbed of its last puff-j " One application is enough ?" V The Gore folk are being entertained with a lively discussion in their local journal. Some rabid churchman has discovered that the aome of wickedness is to ride a bike on a Sunday. Why P Rabid people of this sort regard with smug complacency the use of a horse to oontey them to their special conventicle, even though the unfortunate animal may havo had a hard time of it all the week. The Gore man ought to take a trip Home and get enlightenment. He would be able to see parsonß cutting about on oycles, and, if he were capable of mounting a machine he might take part in a Sunday rub out of smoky London into the sweet-smelling country, and join in a "cycling service" at the end of the run. The old fiddle* i faced religion is, happily, out of date. There is a certain dootor— Dr Squills, he may as well be called— who is by no means disinclined to relate a good thing, even when it tells against himself. He Is scarcely likely to eclipse the narration by a lady patient of a strange dream. Her dream was that she died, presented herself at a golden gate, and sought admission, stating her name and address, and what had caused her decease. A register was searched, and she was told that she ought not to have come there for many jjears. "But," expostulated the lady, "Dr Squills caid— " "Oh," interrupted the gate-keeper, "you are one of Dr Squills' patients. Confound him. He's always upsetting our calculations." I have, nevertheless, a strong impression that other doctors have related a ourionsly similar story. V The medical automatic machine ia a new invention, and the glory of its native town, Amsterdam. The said machine is built in human form, on the model of certain anatomical studies used by students in the hospitals, and for each organ in this vile bodies of ours which is capable of suffering, the new .ADaoulapius has, according to the Pall Mall Gazette, a special slot. Now the patient who has a pain in his heart or liver will rsverently approach the oracle and drop a penny in the heart or liver department so marked, when an inner rattling is heard, and. the figure advances a long skeleton hand containing some Boothing prescription for the needs of the human heart or human liver generally. The address of an apothecary is also given, and the sufferer goes rejoicing on his way. Doubtless the new automatic dootor will receive the usual number of quack testimonials. " 1111, under Providence, I became acquainted with your wonderful invention, I bad been a sufferer from anarchist's stomaoh for fifty years." But an American, says the Figaro, has gone one better than this. He has produced an automatio with the following inscription :— " Put a penny in the slot and you will get a blessing from the Pope, in the Pope's own voioe per phonograph." S. Lipran Djsase.