Fun and Fancy.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 5256, 11 May 1895, Page 3

Fun and Fancy.

In close application to business nothing can give points to a healthy mustard plaster. Tom : " All onr pipeß is froze ; we don't wash, and we drinks beer." Dick : " Well, you arc lucky ! " "I am summoned to another climb," said the bell-boy, as the indicator announced a call from the top floor. "Is Miss Elder's hair artificial? " "Oh, no; ib is human hair." "I mean, is it her own ? " • ' Certainly ; she bought it." First Little Girl: " My father is a merohant; what does yours do?" Second Little Girl: "Whatever mamma tells him."

" Have you decided how you are going to vote?" Mies Qnivera.* ,r Oh, yes. I'm going to vote in my new black cloth gown with pearl buttdnß." Woman Lawyer: " What is your age P" Woman Witness : "I was born in tha same year aa yourself." Woman Lawyers " Witneßs ia excused,"

Somebody writeß to inquire wby tapping; the face of the barometer makes the hands move. If anybody were to tap on his face, wouldn't his hands move ?

"He:" I'm living at home with mj people now, don'tcherknow. Bather a bore!" She: "Oh! terrible I ahonld think. Bub you won't inflict it on them for long, I 6uppoEO ?"

The prohibition town of Portland, Maine, usee £16,000 worth of liquor for " medicinal and mechanical purposes'." In fact, liquor for medicinal purposes seems quite a Mainea ovor there.

A weekly paper, discussing the attitude of the medical profession with regard, to the new anti-toxin curefor diphtheria*, aaya " Tho doctors will hang together." Thia is a very nasty way of putting it. Barber: "Will you have bay rum, lavender water, powder, or cologne on your face, eir?" Customer: "Do yon charge ennydings extra P " 'Barber : " No." Cus«tomer: " Dan gif me all of dom." "Oh, we had the loveliest arrangement at onr church society laßt week ! Every, woman contributed to the missionary cause five shillings which she earned herself by hard work." "How did you get yourß ?" " From my husband." '"I shouldn't call that earning it yourHelt'by hard work." " You don't know my traeband."

Misa Gladys Simple is riot a bad-looking; girl, bub intellectually she is subject to « slight discount. -At a Booial gathering ahe waß introduced to a distinguished journalist. "Allow me to introduce yon to Mr Scoop, one of tbe celebrated news* paper writers of the day," said her friend. "I didn't know they wrote newspapers. All the newspapers I've seen were printed." The Frenchman asked an English eparmaker what he wae making. "A yard," was the reply. " How muoh havo yon got done?" waa the next queßtion. "A -yard." " Where did the spar oome from ?" »' The yard." And the Frenchman was very much surprised at the lucidity of the anserers, and amazed at the simplicity of our language."

'• My good woman," said the learned judge, "you must give an answer, in the feweat possible words of which yon are capable, to the plain and simple question whether, when you were crossing the street with the baby on yonr arm, and the omnibus was coming down on the right side and the cab on the left, and the brougham was trying to pass the omnibus, you saw the plaintiff between the brougham and the cab, or whether and when you Baw him at' all, and whether or not near the brougham cab, and omnibus, or cither, any two, andf whioh of tbem respectively, or how 'it was."