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Star (Christchurch), Issue 5227, 6 April 1895, Page 3

Friends are like umbrellas— they are never at hand when it rains.

The report of the Inspector of Prisons ahowa that 75 per cent of the male criminals are unmarried. Which only ehowß how many men prefer prison to marriage.

Examiner: "Where is the island o! Cuba situated P" Boy:'" I dnnno, air." Examiner : "Do you know where sugar comas from P" Boy : " Yes, sir ; we borrows it from the woman next door."

Miss Fisher : "I really don't think I snail take part again in theatricals. I always feel as though I wore making a fool of myself." bilking (who always says the wrong thing) : |'Oh, everybody thinks

" Ah, love, I would like to listen to you all night P" he said as he rose to go. Six months after they were married he chanced to stop out fifteen minutes, after his usual hour of return and he had his desire gratified. . -

This was the reply given by an Arab servant when asked by a traveller why he had taken a second wife : " When I had one wife, sho quarrelled with me; now I have two, they quarrel with one another, and I havo peace." Teacher: "Why was Solomon the wisest man in the world f" Boy,: "H« had co many wives to advise -.him." Teacher (a strong-minded female): "Well, that is not tho answer in the book, but you may go up .top." Clara: "I hear your father has forbidden Mr Higgins calling on you." Cora; "No, you are mistaken/ "Did h* not tell him last night never to darken hi* parlour again P" "He did, but that referred to his turning down the lamp " There is a book in the British Museum with six leaden leaves. Bat that if nothing to what publishers produce nowa> days. We have seen books of several hundred leaves, all leaden— very leaden. They probably fell dead from the press. •"' Miss Ethel is a long time coming down," said the youth to the Bervant, after waiting some time for the young lady's appearance. "Perhaps," he added, with a laugh, "perhaps she is making up her mind whether to see me or not ?" "No" said the servant, with an icy smile, "it ii not her mind she is making up." Amateur soprano ; "It'ajust too mean for anything? That dog of yours howls every time I sing." Neighbour; 'To very sorry mum." "Why don't yon stop him?" "You see, mum, we didn't know it was that -way." "What way?" "We thought, mum, that yon was tryin* to spite us by aingin' every time he howled."

Father Phelan : " Why is it ye're nerer at work, Mulvey P" Mulvey: «"Tis for economy, ye'r riverince." Father Pelan : "Economy, ye lazy divilP" Mulvey: " Yes ; ye see whenivir Oi worrnk Oi always get a terrible thirst, yer riverince { an' when Oi get a thirst it costs me more te quench it than what Oi earned gettin' it."

Mamma haa been reading to Johnny about Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, and how a wife was made for Adam by a rib being taken out of his side. The next day Johnny was seen holding hta aide and looking serious. "What is tha matter?" asked mamma. "Oh," said Johnny, " I've got such a pain in my side, I think I must be going to have a wife."' Here are two gems from Switzerland. In the visitors', book at a hotel wae recently found the following entry wider the heading " Profession "—" Young lady in se*rch of a husband." In another hostelry, where the host's English was hardly so good as his. menu, the announoe* was made — " Meals open at all hours of the day and night, by the week or month, except Sunday."