Fan and Fancy.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 4774, 14 October 1893, Page 3

Fan and Fancy.

Knowledge is power, except in the case of the man who knows he is beaten. At the Eieotrical Exam.— Examiner t "What is the best insulator we know 1 of P" Candidate :" Poverty." Enßsia possesses at least one luxury, in a breed of dogs whioh are said to be naturally quite unable to bark. Brassey: "Your wife is a charming woman. I like her style." Fender: "Ton wouldn't if yon had to pay for it." A New York judge has performed a humane act by changing the name of one Mendel Berko witch Kornitsky to that of Mark Barnett Johnson. " Don't you ever have any dessert, Pat P" "Dessert P Whafs thatP" "Why, some* thing to eat after dinner." " Yes, yes, ay course. Ye mane, me supper." Mis Humphrey WarcC the novelist,' expresses her appreciation of the joys of correspondence thus: "Eating tacks. and answering letters are both alike to me." At ft township in Queensland recently a miner cued his mate for throwing an ounce of gold-dust in his eyes. Theß.M. advised plaintiff to wash his eyes ,out and keep results for damages. "You are Mr Quezeen, the husband of the celebrated leoturess on cookery, axe you not ?" " Yes, sir," replied the dejected hollow-eyed man. "lam the man she tries her new dishes on." Buttons : "No game to-day, sir? " Doctor: "No, Jameßj I didn't kill a thing." Buttons: "There wuh nine patients here to-day. You might better 'aye stayed at home, sir." " Say Bill, wot'e this 'ere closure as X'ears 'em a-torking about in 'Yde Park P " "Sorto' muzzle as they puts on them Parliament blokes to keep 'em from jawring too much." " Lor ! Any chance 'o gitthtf a hold 'o one for my missus ?" ' Hobbs and Dobbs were discussing men who stammer. " The hardest job I ever had/ said Hobbs, "was to understand a deaf and dumb man who stammered." " How can a deaf and dumb man stammer P" asked Dobbs. " Easily enough," replied Hobbs; "he has rheumatism in hit fingers." Mr Slimson : "Willie, didn't you go fc» the trunk-master's yesterday and tell him to send round the trunk I ordered P" Willie : "Yes, pa." Mr Slimsoh: " WelJ, here is the trunk, but no strap. Didn't he cay anything about the strap.P" Willie;': "Yea, pa, but I told him I thougnt y6u hadn't better have any strap." Lord Lytton, while living in the Albany, wrote regularly to his wife. In one of Ms epistles he said: — "Here I pass my time in incessant labour; my thoughts ever with you; my only companion Solitude!** Lady Lytton found the sentiment overdone. She obtained surreptitious admission to the rooms. "The monster's only companion," she recorded, "was ' Solitude;' but 'Solitude' was dressed in white muslin, and was sitting upon hia knee." • • ; . MOOBE UP TO DATE. How dear to me the hour when dinner waits, When bubbles bursting on my soup I see! Then pensively I gaze upon the plates, And life, I feel, holds something yet for me. And as I watch the line of light which plays Upon my host* s red faoe and snowy vest, I cannot help but wonder what he pays His cook, and if his -wines will stand the test, THE CHOLERA SCAEE. ' The Prefect of ——•.has gone on a four of inspection thronghhladeparfcment,being anxious to ascertain If the necessary precautions have bean taker! in every parish to prepare for a possible invasion on the part of the dread plague. To the Mayor of a certain village he said : " Well, have you carried out my instructions ? What have you done T" " I have had. graves dug for all the inhabitants of the parish." LANCASHIRE HTJMOUB. Hey wood has the by-name of "Monkey Town." A short time; ago bwfi young swells from Bury were walking to Hey wood* and as they neared the town they saw an old man breaking stones in the road. One of them, who considered himself clever at jokeß, said to his friend, "See if I don't vex that old man by just asking him a civil question." When they got up to the stonebreaker, the visitor asked if he had seen a cartload 'of monkeys passing. The old man looked up at his questioner and said, " Why, hast tae tumbled off P " LOVED CHILDREN, "Do you like children, , Mr Frothly/V asked Mrs Slxlnhand, rather anxiously. "Like then?," replied this nejnr pastor, who was only just ordained. "I love them. Let him come to me. I love to watch the innocent sunshine of childhood that plays over his dimpled face like the rosy dawn of a summer morning. Come, cherub." And the cherub did "come" without waiting for a second invitation, and laid down a slab of bread and butter in Mr Frothly's lap, and wiped its dimpled and dirty, hands on his new trousers, and mopped its treacly lips on his coat, and made a grab for his watch guard and broke it, and climbed into his lap and tried to make him eat some of the bread and butter, and asked him what made his nose so crooked, and if he was going to stay to dinner, and if he had any little boys, and why not, and what made his hair so long, and what made his ears so red, and what made him talk so funnily. And the servant who let the pastor out Bays he ran down the street as if a mad dog was after him. Perhaps he did. We are all marred by human weakness, and there are some things that cannot happen without overcoming us. Sometimes the touch of baby fingera on a snow white waistcoat, while the house ia being painted, leave indelible impressions that last until the ragman comes,, along. Away ! these bitter memories of a happy ; youth. What ho! Bring a pitcher of hot water, a lemon, and two glasses. We shave at this hour every day.