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SMILE RAISERS.

Things that might have been otherwise expressed with advantage. Elderly party to reporter: "By Jove old fellow, I've had the grip awfully. Thought I was going to peg out last week. Wa9 going to Bend for you to write up my obituary notice." Reporter (in haste) : " Glad you're better, old chap. Should have been only too haopy to have obliged you, though." Smith : " Going to the Governor's sale, Jones, to sample the Conservative wine?" Jones : " Tes, my boy, and believe me I Bhall treat it from a Liberal point of view." Toung Husband : " Isn't there something peculiar about the taete of these onions, my dear?' ? Young "Wife (anxiounly) : " Oh, I hope not, my dear, I took such pains with thorn. I even sprinkled them with Jockey Club before I put them to boil, to take away the unpleasant odour; A Life-preserver.— A beggar, soliciting almp, stated that, but for his dog, he would have loner sinoo died of starvation. " But for your dog ? " inquired a compassionate soul. " Yea ma'am j I have sold it three times, and each time it has come home again." Mr Hankinson (desirous of mating a present) : " Johnny, when is your sister Irene's birthday?" Johnny: "Huh!' Irene has stopped having birthdays long ago." The Three Ages of Woman.— To dress up is for a girl of fifteen an effort ; for a

young lady of twenty a pleasure ; and for a lady of thirty-five a work of art. Nothing to Wear.— Vtomy : "I've got an invite to the Charity Ball, but I haven't the least idea whnt lam to go in. What would you w*>ar, Fanny, if you had my; complexion ? " Fanny : " A thick veil." A fleeting show. — A horse-rare. Always prepared for death. — The undertaker. One who ia never without a vice. — The carnonter. When aro flowers out of breath ? — When they are fully blown. When dops water resemble a gymnast P— "When it makes a spring. A crusty employer believes that a labourer is worthy of hh ire. A perfume dealer, though an idiot, is bound to be a man of scents. A New York auctioneer advertises: — " For sale— A large quantity of oil paint* ings by some of the most ancient masters of the day." Tom : " I wish you would say something prood in your paper abwt nay frimd Brown." Jack (a newspaper man) : " But I don't know him." Tom : " That's all the more reason why you can speak well of him." A man found a rough-looking individual in his cellar. " Who are you t" he demanded. "The gasman, come to take the meter," was the reply. " Good graciouß !"" cried the householder, " I hoped you wer» only a burglar." The first and most important. — Young Author : " Can you tell me how to become a good poet ?" Editor : "Oh yes ! The very first thing for you is to die. All the good ones are dead." " Anything new or fresh this morning P" a reporter asked in a railway office. '• Yes," replied the lone oooupant. " What is it?" asked the reporter, eagerly, whipping out big notebook. " That paint you are leaning against." That railway man is in hoapital, and that reporter is ia gaol.

Permanent link to this item

https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/TS18920116.2.9.9

Bibliographic details

Star (Christchurch), Issue 7181, 16 January 1892, Page 2

Word Count
530

SMILE RAISERS. Star (Christchurch), Issue 7181, 16 January 1892, Page 2

SMILE RAISERS. Star (Christchurch), Issue 7181, 16 January 1892, Page 2

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