SMILE RAISERS.
Things that might have been otherwise expressed with advantage. Elderly party to reporter: "By Jove old fellow, I've had the grip awfully. Thought I was going to peg out last week. Wa9 going to Bend for you to write up my obituary notice." Reporter (in haste) : " Glad you're better, old chap. Should have been only too haopy to have obliged you, though." Smith : " Going to the Governor's sale, Jones, to sample the Conservative wine?" Jones : " Tes, my boy, and believe me I Bhall treat it from a Liberal point of view." Toung Husband : " Isn't there something peculiar about the taete of these onions, my dear?' ? Young "Wife (anxiounly) : " Oh, I hope not, my dear, I took such pains with thorn. I even sprinkled them with Jockey Club before I put them to boil, to take away the unpleasant odour; A Life-preserver.— A beggar, soliciting almp, stated that, but for his dog, he would have loner sinoo died of starvation. " But for your dog ? " inquired a compassionate soul. " Yea ma'am j I have sold it three times, and each time it has come home again." Mr Hankinson (desirous of mating a present) : " Johnny, when is your sister Irene's birthday?" Johnny: "Huh!' Irene has stopped having birthdays long ago." The Three Ages of Woman.— To dress up is for a girl of fifteen an effort ; for a
young lady of twenty a pleasure ; and for a lady of thirty-five a work of art. Nothing to Wear.— Vtomy : "I've got an invite to the Charity Ball, but I haven't the least idea whnt lam to go in. What would you w*>ar, Fanny, if you had my; complexion ? " Fanny : " A thick veil." A fleeting show. — A horse-rare. Always prepared for death. — The undertaker. One who ia never without a vice. — The carnonter. When aro flowers out of breath ? — When they are fully blown. When dops water resemble a gymnast P— "When it makes a spring. A crusty employer believes that a labourer is worthy of hh ire. A perfume dealer, though an idiot, is bound to be a man of scents. A New York auctioneer advertises: — " For sale— A large quantity of oil paint* ings by some of the most ancient masters of the day." Tom : " I wish you would say something prood in your paper abwt nay frimd Brown." Jack (a newspaper man) : " But I don't know him." Tom : " That's all the more reason why you can speak well of him." A man found a rough-looking individual in his cellar. " Who are you t" he demanded. "The gasman, come to take the meter," was the reply. " Good graciouß !"" cried the householder, " I hoped you wer» only a burglar." The first and most important. — Young Author : " Can you tell me how to become a good poet ?" Editor : "Oh yes ! The very first thing for you is to die. All the good ones are dead." " Anything new or fresh this morning P" a reporter asked in a railway office. '• Yes," replied the lone oooupant. " What is it?" asked the reporter, eagerly, whipping out big notebook. " That paint you are leaning against." That railway man is in hoapital, and that reporter is ia gaol.
Permanent link to this item
https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/TS18920116.2.9.9
Bibliographic details
Star (Christchurch), Issue 7181, 16 January 1892, Page 2
Word Count
530SMILE RAISERS. Star (Christchurch), Issue 7181, 16 January 1892, Page 2
Using This Item
No known copyright (New Zealand)
To the best of the National Library of New Zealand’s knowledge, under New Zealand law, there is no copyright in this item in New Zealand.
You can copy this item, share it, and post it on a blog or website. It can be modified, remixed and built upon. It can be used commercially. If reproducing this item, it is helpful to include the source.
For further information please refer to the Copyright guide.