LITERATURE.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 5454, 30 October 1885, Page 3

LITERATURE.

* THAT PERFIDIOUS CURATE. The rumours about that little affair are becoming so exaggerated that I have determined to place the fact 6 beforo the public. It happened last summer, Boon after I threw up my billet in Buddleton, and oame down to tho metropolis to take a position in the Civil Service. I looked about for fashionablo lodgings, and Boon established myself in quarters that would have Buited anybody. The region was aristocratic, the company Belect, and the weekly bill not so large but that I could, hope to inhabit the place for at least sin: months bofore the landlady's patience gavo out. I need not dilate upon the natnre oi! these aspirations. Suffice it to say that among our small company was an heiress. The heiresf? was bright and beautiful. We seemed ram'- for each other. My bringing her around ' o this view I considered to be merely a question of time. Unfortunately, however, she had a vory grim aunt. I shared my apartments with a fellow clerk who rejoiced in— or rather mourned over — the name of Winterbottom . Winterbottom was a good-looking fellow, but ho __.;' lacked brains. Besides the heiress and her aunt we ha<T ' \ but throe encumbrances. Two wero nonentities, and the third was a curate. Tho latter owed his position iv our elegant circle not so much to his own merits ov resources of pocket, as to cortain tiea ol 1 consanguinity that bound him to the landlady. The curate, who was, I am sorry to say, a tall, well-made young man, wore annoyingly short clothos and excruciatingly long hair. He was given, moreo-rer, to sundry othor atrocities, such as cloth shoes, gingham umbrellas, and ancient pipes. 01' course it goco without saying that Winterbottom and I were necessarily restrained from recognising him. That iB to Bay, wo would have crushed him if wo could, but he was ono of those obtuse persons who never know wheu they are Bat upon. If we did not .iddre.--** him he would address us, and that too in a voin that was often painfully light and trivial. Ho bad a disagreeable habit at table of half rising in his chair and peering down intently at. Winterbottom, over that young gentleman's collar, and then saying in a rolievecl. tone : — " Ah, you'ro down thore, are you P I wasn't so sure who it was." He used also purposely to mako incorrecf; statements regarding tlie price of butter, eggs, tripe, and other commodities with which my previous businos.*- career had not been wholly unconnected, well knowine. that my habitual accuney would prompt* me to ' unthinkingly correct him, thua covering myself with coiifii'-iou. For a time I protended Unit I didn't mind this sort of tiling, hut when I Haw Maria — the heiress — -wi^gcring at my digeonififcuro, I begun to thirst for the curate'u blood. So Wintorbottom and I fell to plottin*-* rcvengo. c * "It was all well enough," eaid my fellow-conspirator ouo evening as wo wero brooding over some scheme in o v* room "as long as no practioal rem. Ha follow cd-J hut now tho beggar ha 3 begun to e^on-.

got himself invited to that picnic afternoon, while you and I are "Hal" I exclaimed, "if that bo so, a occurs to me. We must disgrace at once, and I know how to do it." "Pooh!" said Winterbottom, "you're talking, but I am beginning to lose faith in brains— -if that's what your head. full of." v-V. "Jibe away, my trAer^i^_K_\ ) mildly, "but whon juat lidten to thia. up the Thames to camp for lawn at what's- hie-name's place, I forgot— you know that chap who's away — a friend of theirs ; the houso is empty. The curate and tho maio nonentity aio HI going to pull the aunt and Maria and tho V femalo nonentity up in a boat. You and I H will disguiso ourselves as tramps and surprise them at tea. We'll scare tho long-haired nuisance out of his Bhoe3, rob the women of their watche-, cut away, and then return later in our own garb, and doliver back the plunder, saying that wo discovered it in the hands of two suspicious characters as we wero taking -a' ► strollj and all that Bort of thing, you.4mow. Tho curato will naver shew "hie face again." - When four o'clock came we returned to our room, packed up our disguises in a hand-satchel and started up the Thames by road from Richmond. The day was hot and the dußt plenty, but we dared not take » cab and thereby run the risk of identification in case of serious results. So we footed it out aud reached the deserted stablo on the friend's estate in a condition that needed little to render it ■a complete disguise. Dub with our clothes changed the effect was perfect. Two more disreputable'looking old vagabonds never stepped. At about six o'clock we began to pi owl along the .rivor bank in search of our prey. It waa soon discovered. Upon a narrow terrace of turf, below the higher bank and under the trees, wholly shaded * to view trom the river, tho p.i rty had encamped. A white tablecloth w.t.-j spread on tho ground, and the two non*.: ti tics were engaged in decorating it with various eat-. . ables. Tho aunt was doziug and Maria waa reading poetry aloud, while the particular object of our looming vengeance was .hard at work compounding a Balad, The wretohed man had laid aside his coat, and, with his legs wide apart, one end of a somewhat torn collar unbuttoned, and his sleeves rolled up, he presented an appearance truly edifying. Slow little ho dreamed of his approaching fate. There was no time to bo lost. After a quiet little laugh, all by ourselves, we withdrew from the edgo of the bank, uttered a loud yell and dashed down upon the terrace. Our success was instantaneous. Tho ourato needed but a glanco to tell him •what we wero, and then, kicking over the salad in his agitation, he disappeared over hhe bank like a streak with the male nonentity a good second. Thu3 left alone with the women we made short, work of the rest of our job. Promising our victims their lives it they kept quiet, we relieved them of their watchesj collared a bottle of champagne apieco, and skipped away as fast as wo could go. We did not stop until j we leaohed a thicket just off the road aud near the atable. Hero we lay. down and rolled. For some minutes we could not •speak for excess of mirth. Oh, what a glorious timo it was ! But, alas ! now cornea the serious part of my narrative. After a long spell of noisy jollity Winterbottom began to illustrate for the dononeth timo the way in which the cuiate vanished. Rising to his feet he glared around in imitation of .our timid friend and then galloped furiously towards the fence that represented the bank. Of course I was laughing so that I could not see, but into tho midst of my joy intruded a sound that gave me back my sight and curdled my blood. " What is all this row P" I looked : a gleam of bluo and a glint of metal met my eye in the growing dusk. Wintcrbottom's mad career had landed him in tho arms of a policeman! That blackbeardod official now advanced from tho fenco and advised me to slop whero I was. I wished the ground would open and .swallow mo up. The shame of --> necessary I explanation would be more than I could bear. Bub that ceremony must not be delayed. " My good fellow," I began. " Hould yer whisht!" waa tho immediate reply. " Fork over yor plunder an' coma out o' this. Three ladies wa3 robbed not twinty minutes ago jist beyant, and by the luk o' ye I know ye fur thaves. It's in luck's way I am this day. Quick now, or I'll pershtide yez !" This wa3 too horrible. Our brutal captor was deaf to our every explanation. Ho hurried us into the road, searched us, and took oharge of our treasure, and thon began to look about for a cab. An empty one Boon came along and it was engaged to convey ua to gaol I Winterbottom was dumb with terror. I was dumb too, but compulsorily so. Again and again I tried to urge that ib waa all a joke. " In-dade F" replied our h.'.utless companion. " Well, yo'll find a Lime to explain that same joke, and ti- it'll be tomorrow morning, when ye're ; it into the dook." I relapsed into a state of hou-.*103s misery. [ dreamed of the scene in court, of Maria's presenoe there, of our disgrace, our degradation from the Service. I wished I might die. Bub still one bhoughb afforded me a gleam of consolation • the curate's disgrace was indelible He had run away, and. would never be forgiven. Pleasing thought ! Aa we jolted into tho city our merciless guardian spoke. "IF I'm nofc privately rewarded for this night's work I'll eat my hat," he mined loudly; "an* bedad, I must bo cnrot'ul to trate them ladies in the top ts' the style. It's comin' into the dhirty coort that they'll ba aftor dreadin'. Faix an' I'll tako me byes direct to the ladies' house, bo I will, an' have tho bastes identified thore this vory night. I've got the address." Ho produced a card with the nuinbor of our house on it, and we were soon driving towards that aristocratic quart v. A private and quiet explanation was n<-* assured us, or better still, we might clud>* nir captor m the houso, and, knowing the place so well, esoape by some back door or window before the picnic party should return. The latter prospeot, howover, waa soon darkened by the relentless bobby handcuffing us together beforo wo reached the house. So I fell Nbacic on tho hope of a satisfactory explanation, and tried to be resigned to our fate. . Tho landlady was out, and our arrival nearly threw tho Borvant-maid into a fib, but our friend in bluo restored her, and we were Boon installed in the drawing-room, whore we gavo ourselves up to awaiting the arrival of tho ladiea and our doom. A dismal hour was thus spont, and thon £ heard a step at the outer door. The door opened, and thero was a flutter of feminine garments and voices in the hall j then the trio appeared, tho male nonentity following in tlio rear. The curate was not on hand; that one little ray cheered our misery. The bobby kept hi& helmet on, and appeared ill at ease beforo the ladies, bub ho managed to tell his story, and as our identification wa3 a simple matter, the business of tho interview was soon over. But as our Celtic oppressor rose to go I raisod my hand with a commanding gesture and said : "One moment, my wo „p *v fellow, I insist upon a word befon- hose ladies. They will hear me, and our vi;> lication will be complete (a faint 'hear, hear' from Winterbottom). Tho robbery wa-j all a joke, planued to test tho spirit of one who has, I. regret to say, proved himself unworthy of that great trust to whioh it wao but too evident ho wonld havo aspired 1 . Where is tho ouratn? Where, I say " Cut what woro they all Hughing at? Their amusement had grating, y risen from a mere simmer to a loud ;-ud obtrusive •znneral giirgle The bobby hud removed his batin order to laugh more comfortably, and now--^-hat was this?— he was nlso removing lii-i beard. His long hair foil down} ho was — iutolerablo fact — the curate ! It was even ao. That perfidious young uij*.n had somehow loarncd our intention, obtained a uniform and other paraphernalia, socroted them at the very stable svf-.ich we had made our rendezvous, taken tV* party into hia confidence, and the joke

had been carried out as thia narrative has alroady shown. How they did laugh, oven the aunt did, for tho first timo on record. The curate controlled hia mirth sufficiently to bo able to inform us that our clothes and satchels wero out in tho hall, and to advise us thereafter to plot more secretly. , "But how," I asked weakly, "did you manago to overhear us ?" " Well, yon sco," he answered, " I had just come down ono floor that day and takeu the room next to yours. Thero is only a thin partition botween tho two, and I heard all you aaid. A fellow has to bru6h up hi 3 respectability sometimes, you know, especially whon he is about to tako a rise in the world, which is — ah, hem ! — I am proud to say, my case." " Oh, George !" exclaimed Maria in a moaning tittor, and the secret waa out. Winterbottom and I lodge elsewhere now, and I frequently intimate to Winterbottom that.he is a fool.