SCUTTLE v. GRAB.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 5282, 11 April 1885, Page 3

SCUTTLE v. GRAB.

A Chronicle of the (Pkouable) Future. A.D. 1890. Grab Party in power. Forward policy everywhere. Annexation all round. Fifty millions spent upon army i and fleet. National Society for the seizure ■ of everything holds its first meeting at St * James' Hall. Resolution moved that ■ " the whole of the world, land and water, j at present unoccupied by civilised Powers j belongs of right to England." Carried i unanimously. Scheme formulated for '■ rectifying scientific frontier of whole of ' British possessions. Is found to involve j seizure of sixteen islands, conquest of five native races, absorption of fifty thousand square miles of— useless— new territory, seven small wars, two large ones, four massacres, and an Income tax of five

millings in the pound. John Bull rebels, aid turns oub Grab Party. '. A.D. 1895. Scuttle Party comes in with : big majority and bigger promises. Finishes ] )ff all wars by caving in all round, retiring < jverywhere and relinquishing everything. 3uts down army, and resolves to sell half ' the ironclad fleet a3 old metal. Power i which buyß ■it immediately utilisea it i igainstus. Another fleet has to be ordered < it once at fancy prices in response to Press ! clamour. Scuttle Party, in cleft Btick, ' < lialts between two opinions ; in pursuit of ( ] peace 13 found fighting all over the world, ! : md after frantic efforts at economy, rune ! 1 ap income tax to six shillings in the < pound. John Bull turns out Scuttle Party. A.D. 2000. Grab Party comes in, grabbier khan ever. Decides that the only true scientific frontier is a circle, that of the whole globe to wit. Endeavours to"" square " bhat circle. Other Powers won't " come round "to this view at all. Army raised to a million men, conscription established, " standard " of British Navy decided to be one ship for every twenty miles of the earth's surface. Press applauds this idea, bo do shipbuilders and engineers. Chancellor of Exchequer resigns, and retires to Colney Hatch. Editor of Jingo Gazette appointed in hip place. Other journals immediately " round on " him, and oppose Grab Government. Scuttle Party revive, and stump the country. All members of Government, except Chancellor of Exchequer, resign. He raises Income-tax to twenty shillings in the pound, and declares war with everybody. Is forcibly invested with the Order of the Straight Jacket, just as five foreign fleets and six European armies are on the point of starting to attack us. A.D. 2005. Scuttle Party resumes office. Makes terms with foreign armies and fleets by promising to cut our army down to a few sentries and guards of honour, and our navy to two armour-clads, without guns, and a four-knot unarmed cruiser. Gives up India to Russia, Africa to Germany, puts up garrisoned fortresses and coaling stations at Dutch auction, and lets Colonies run loose. Conference held at Berlin as to what Bhall be done with England. Turkey offers to take it under her protection, for a consideration. Powers cannot agree on.-* question, and Heligoland is about to annex . it, when English rise, under a popular Boapboiler, seize leaders of Grab and Scuttle Parties, . shave their heads, and make waiters of them, banish both words from political dictionary and make a fresh start.