CONTEMPORARY HUMOUR.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 4858, 24 November 1883, Page 3

CONTEMPORARY HUMOUR.

♦ Old Moe Hart, of Coventry street and gambling house fame, was one day leaning oyainst, «. p oß t at the cormr of Oxenden r r,«i, t/ovflntry street, and seemed very down on his hick. Arthur Pratt, coming along, p»w him, and said, "Hollo, Moe, what's upP How doll you look. Had a bad night last night? "-alluding to the hazard table. "No," eaid Moe. " ISy brother's dead." "Well," said Arthur, "that's nothing; he was a very old man, and had been ill a long time." "Nothing," hsjb Moe. "Why, when he was alive I didn't speak to him, and now he's dead I've" got to bury him." A Bootoh barber inflioted a severe gash on an old gentlemen's cheek while shaving him the other day. The old gent merely observed, " That's the result of whisky, if I'm not mistaken." Barber, nothing disooncerted : " Yes, whuskey dew u,uk the skin varra theen ! " OEKMAKT TO JBANCE. (Aooording to the North German Gazette.) Air—" Ibe Gay Cavalier.") To Tonkin she has gone, This is capital tun! . Though, as polioy, fiddle-de-dee. If adventure she Jove, J shan't throw down the glove, She may go to — Hong Kong for me ! It was after churoh at Newmarket, and there is no more church going place than Newmarket. Said one stable lad hesitatingly to another : " I wonder how long that cove Nebuchadnezzar took after he had been turned out to grass to get round ?" And the other answered at once, "Mr DawBon would have got him fit in no time ; but it all depends on who his trainer was." Mrs Bamsbottom Bays that the parasols who prey on a young man of fortnne nowadays never leave him till they have robbed him of bis parsimony. thb vrops. "On account of the large apple orops, Waspß are remarkably numerous this year." —Weekly Paper. How doth the wobbling, wily Wops Improve each shining hour! Within the peach he slily stopß, And Btings with all his power ! How Bkilfully he wheels around, And maidenß makes afraid : He loves to clear the pionio ground, And roll in marmalade ! The whispered charm of lovers' talk He'll stop without ado : The Vicar's sermon be will balk, And Btiog the Vicar too ! On cake or fruit or window-pane, On pie or mutton-ohops, He'll sharply sting and come again — The wobbling, wily Wops ! It's the little things that make up life. The touch of the busineaß end of a wasp will move a man quiokor than a petition forty yards long. BAHPANT BIIBOHOSITT. A man ho longer wears hiß heart upon his Bleeve, but he carries a certificate of good morals in hie button- hole. We read in the Daily News (Sept. 20) :— "At BoscombeDown, Wilts, yesterday, the first anniversary of tbe ' Bed ttibbon Army ' was oelebrated. The Army is composed of 'moderate drinkers.' A dinner was given, and the affair was one of great rejoicing." f lho following little song might have been sung on the oocaeion : •■ Moderation is Carnation, Abstinence is Blue ; If ribbonleas, I must oonfess, I wonder what are you ? He who wears no ribbon whatever in the preßent day is most assuredly open to the gravest suspicion. No doubt the adoption of these deoorationß is an excellent thing -for the ribbon trade. "My neph&w," Baid Mrs Bamsbotham, "is unable to take a holiday this autumn, as he is officiating as local tennis for the Vicar of Snorton-oum-Slumborough." A lively pupil at a seminary asked the preceptroßg for permission to drive out with a gentleman. "You know the regulations of the institution/ was the answer. "Is he your father?" "No." "Is he your brother P" "No." " Are you engaged to him P" "No, but I expeot to be before I get back." The answer carried the day. A swell travelling to Brighton, notioing a prettyj?irl alone in the oarriage, went over in her dif eotion, and smilingly asked : "Is this Beat engaged, mill ?" " No, sir, but I am, and he's going to get in at the next station." " Oh— ah -indeed— thanks— beg pardon— " and he picked up his big feet after stumbling over the lady* pretty onea, and went into the smoking carriage. oh! those boxs! The following advertisement appeared in the Daily Ntws : — A Comfortable HOME WANTBD for an Amusing Little MONKEY, to be SOLD cheap. Alas ! here is another unfortunate parent who is unable to solve the great question of the day, namely — " What shall we do with eurßays?" Poor Beggar : " Please spare a penny, sir. I haven't had any dinner to-day." Swell : " Paw Beggah !" Poor Beggar : "I haven't had a meal sinoe yesterday, sir." Swell: "Paw Beggah!" Poor Beggar : '• I've got a wife and ohildreß, sir, all starving." Swell: "Paw ßeggah!" Poor Beggar : " Please spare a penny, sir P'' Swell : " Haven't got one— aw" Poor Beggar ; " Paw Beggah !"