LITERATURE.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 4255, 10 December 1881, Page 4

LITERATURE.

QUEER STORIES.

A DBPOTATIOJC TO MB GLADSTONE,

Mr Gladstone, being in town for a oouplo of days during the recess, had consented to reoeive a deputation of eleotorß from Wueiorough, who wero going to impress upon him the expedienoy of legislating at the earliest date to atop the evils of the liquor traffic. They had aleo something to say about Fair Trade, the Irish Question, and things in general. Tho deputation was to consist of Mossra Froghunter, Winoh, Carpus, Doubtotooth, and Swaok, all celebrities in Weeborough, and it was understood that Mr Bright would attend in Downing street to hear what they had to Bay, and to support tho Premiar in replying. The newspapers had alroady hinted that Mr Gladstone would avail himself of this opportunity to state his own viowß upon things in genci-.'* j and that, in faot, Mr Froghunter and his iriends were Merely going to play the part of nine-pins, who are put up to be bowled over. Thia wbb only partially tho ca<ie, for IVog^iunter and Company -were men ol' a kind whom it behoves an English Prime Miniate-* in the*e times to receive with respect, and to hearken to with every appearance of attention. Lord Palmerston might have joked thom off, and Lord Beaconsfield would probably have sent them away writhing under a demure s i mit\ ; buu it ia nat ilr Gladstone's way to rebuff men who oomo to him professing to speak in the aamo of earnest conviotions. In his kindly willingness to be taught, the Premier possibly thougat he had something to learn from the men of Weeborough. He had soen Mr Froghunler'a name on a pamphlet, proving thatitwo9 tbo voteß of the water- drinkers who hud turned the scale at the last general eleotion; nnd he had heard of Mr Doubletooth in connection with onslaughts upon American beef and Australian tinned meats. Aa to Mr Swaok— Mr Swaok, of Weeborough, everybody had heard of him, and there is no need to set down here bow eminent a politician he was, and iB. The m*re name of Swaok recalled all sorts of tl ;-igs. It was this name that made Mr Bright ay from the first that he should like to meoi. the deputation, and lie hinted that if a couple of Ministerial speeches became necessary, he would beg leave to spar with Swack, after the Premier had disposed of Froghunter. Acoordingly, Froghunter and his frienc's rejoiced, and whetted their tonguoß, so to gay, for the combat. For it mußt not bo supposed that they intended to come to London imbued with the same spirit of humility as the Ministers who were going to receive them. They meant, on the contrary, to read Mr Gladstone a lesson. Temperately, yet firmly, they purposed to say that Miuistera could not hope to rotain the confidence of Weeborough unless they undertook to do, without loaa of time, all that this town expected. Messrs Froghunter, Winob, Car) ma, Donbletooth, and Swaok, were not satisfied with the manner in whioh the business of the nation was being carried on. They might, under certain ciroumstanoes, feel it to be their duty to vote at the next election againßt thrt candidates who represented their XUOBt oheriabed convictions; and they all ordered new suits of olothes of their tailor/, to the end that they might appear the more impressively as spokesmen of the oountry at large when they said these things. Mr Froghunter came up to London with hia wife two days before the deputation was to be welcjmod, and he hired a furnished house for ii. week. Ihe other great men of Weeborough were to arrive by a morniDg train on tho important day itself, and wore to lunoh with Mr and Mrs Froghunter before setting out to chastise the Ministry. It thereforo became incumbent on Mrs Froghunter to lay in the materials for a good repast, and this she did, after which she walked out to the nearest chemist's to order a dozen bottleß of mineral water.

They all drank mineral waters, these men of Weeborough. Not one of them would have polluted his lips with a glass of sherry ; even small beer was too wicked for them. They were ewillers of tea and quaffers of ooffee ; they patronised ginger beer, and were continually seeking new effervescing drinks with barbarous names, aB if they hoped at last to light upon something which should provo to be spirituous liquor under a sham appellation. But foiled in these endeavoura, they had harked back for ordinary consumption upon mineral waters. They freely poured into their insides solutions of steel, sulphur, phosphorus, and antimony, and flattered themselves tbat they were all the better for it. They broke out into pimples, had blotchy faces, hot ears nnd irregular digestions, but they did not uttributo all this to the mineral waters. 'They would have looked askance at anyone who had suggested suoh a thing, and. would have set him down for a publioan in disguise. Yet it must be confessed that, although they lifted up their voicbb to ban stimulants and all who Bold or drank them, they wero all agog for tonics, and talked of their "systems," as if these needed to bo continually bolstered ap by minerals. And they drank their tea mighty Btrong. Now, in consequence of his meditated fray with Mr Gladstone, Mr Froghunter had been for somo time very excited, and more pimply, blotchy, and bilious than ev.-r : <o tliat his prudent wife, as she ateppci - Mind to the chemist's, bethought of her c-.ing whether there wero cot some mine; a I water more truly tonical than any whioh her Stephen had drunk before. In the days of her nnregenerato maidenhood, when her name was Mis* Cropper, she might havo prescribed a glass of sound olaret as a cure for her Stephen's complaint, but she was no longer in the bondage of sin now, and her thoughts ranged no further than to something nice in the way of sparkling waters. Nevertheless, not knowing exaotly how to express her wants, Mrs Froghunter looked so embarrassed in speaking to the spry young man behind the chemist's counter, that this geatloman assumed a confidential air, and whispered : " I know what yon want, ma'am ; we call it the ' Paracelsus Water.' Wo Bell a great deal of it." " Paracelsus ? You assure me it is quite harmless ?"

" Oh, ye?, ma'am ; there is a little Hollands in it."

" Hollands ! Why isn't that gin ?" "' Yes, ma'am, but gin of very good quality — the strongest and best gin, in fact."

" And do you mean to say . . . " Mrs Froghunter reddened to 'bo very tip of her nose, and looked hot teapo « at the ycung man. Had he been a Weeb -»ugh chemist she would have read him a set- -re lecture on his depravity, and threatened (dm with tho blighting displeasure of Messrs Froghunter, Winoh, Carpus, Doubletooth, and Bwack, unless he promised instantly to forego hia nefarious trade. As it was, she could only stammer : " Oh, dear mo, you misapprehend my meaning strangely ; but do you mean to tell mo there aro actually people who . ."

The young man bow that be had made a mistake. " I beg pardon, ma'am," he said ; " there aro bo many of our customers who like their mineral waters flavoured with a littloßomolhing that does'nt show. Would you be bo good aB to describe me that gentleman's symptoms again ?" " I really don't know whether I ought to deal here." faltered Mrs Froghunter. However, the 'oun'.j chemist, was ao resDectful, and looked ao contrite, that she told him all about her Stephen's pimples and blotches; and ho answered ber that, bo thought tho Bxoolsior Water would be just the thing for Mr Froghunter. After heuring the young man's panegyric of thia liquid, Mrs Froghunter p-tid tor twelve bottlos of it, and at tho same timo handed to tho chemist a tract entitled, "Tho Glass of Port; or, Why Did I Roll Downhill ? " Tho young man towed his acknowledgements with a blush, and managod to convey the impression that he was nover likely to drink anything stronger than toast and water for tho ro - uindor of his days. The next day, when tho great men of Weeborough ware all assembled at her tabl<\ Mrs Broghunter related, as an instance of the abandoned moral condition of London, tho stcrv of tho " Paracelsus Water." Sho co'.ld .-oaroely havo bolieved such wickedness possible, she declared, and fo « >■! thoy all. Mr Doublotooth, who was indul^i g in some roast goose, said li 'le, bit' Yc evidently thought a good < il. Mossrs Winoh and Carpus swore, with ;heir moulhs full of stuffing, that thoy would discharge a publio duty in denouncing the ohemist to Mr Gladstone Froghunter, too, vowed that the matter should not ond thoro ; but, bo saying, ho paused all at onco, with knife and fork uplifted, nud looked at his fnend Mr Swaok- tho famous Mr Swack— "Why, surely, Swack, didn't I see bod j Paracelsus Water on your table tho other day ?" Mr Swaok had coloured slightly, ond was eating with his nose close to his plate : " Yes, but

mine was genuine Paracebus. I have just been thinking that these rogues in London must have forged the trade mark." " How extremely shocking!" exclaimed Mrs Froghunter. " If a Weeborough cbemißt did such a thing . . . . " cried Mr Froghunter ; but everybody expressed the opinion that the chemists of Weeborough lived in Balutary fear of tho law, bo Mr Froghuntor's sentence remained unfinished.

" I trust that thero iB nothing irregular in this," remarked Mr Swaok— the universally known Mr Swack— touohing tbe bottle of " Excelsior " that stood before him.

" Oh, no ; you may drink it in perfect confidence," replied Mrs Froghunter. " I am sure that young man would not deceive me now, Indeed, he seemed very much ashamed of himself when I left him."

" He should have been left in the Houbo of Correction," remarked Mr CaTpus, severely. " H'm; this— 'Excelsior' do you call it— doesn't taste bad."

Bach person at the table had before him a brown stone bottle containing about a pint and a half of a yellowish liquid that fizzled slightly. It tasted like nothing in particular ; but it was pronounced fairißh. Everybody drank his three tumblers, and Mra Froghunter did the Bame. Then, dinner being over, all these great men of Weeborough arose and prepared to start. They were all wearing their new clothes ; three of them had new hats ; and of course they had new gloves— plum coloured, black or brown — and big rolls of foolscap containing the notes for their speeches — the ammunition, in other words, with whioh they were going to dislodge her Majesty's Ministers from their official position. Mrs Froghunter brushed her husband's hat and the collar of his coat, and wished him good luck on his glorious mission; after which all five gentlemen strutted forth with proud looks. There was a four-wheeler waiting at the door ; two couples of them got out inside, and Mr Hwack climbed on to the box, saying that ho liked tho open air. Perhaps also ho wanted to avoid any more conversation about the Paracelsus water.

The groat men reached the Premier's official residence. The arrival had been anxiously expected by five shorthand writers attaohed to different newspapers, who were waiting for them in the hall, and begged leave to join their ranks. The great men wiped their boots on the mat, deposited their umhrellas in the stand, ran tboir fingers through their hair, and aftor those preliminaries were conducted upstairs by the porter. A messenger next ushered them into a room where stood Mr Gladstone and two secretaries, and Mr Bright. Mr Gladstone has a fatherly sort of kindness; he shook hands with the great men, one by one; Mr Bright, eyeing them as possible apostates from tho cause of Free Trade, was a trifle less cordial. A moment passed, and then Mr Gladstone was about to venture upon a little remark on the weather, in order to set the deputation at their ease, but the words froze on his lips. Could it be fancy ? The great men of Weeborough looked djrely uncomfortable ; tbeir faces wore an air of positive consternation.

A shell fell upon Mr Gladstone's own features, and Mr Bright, frowning, snorted like a war-borse who Bniffs combat. It looked as if the interview was not going to be sordial. Perhaps the deputation was about to Bay outrageous things, hitting at the Aiinietry in tender plaoes. The five reporters prepared their flimsy, pricked up their ears, and poised their pencils. " Sir," began Mr Froghunter, fumbling at his roll of foolscap; but he could get no further. He hugged the roll to the pit of his waistcoat, and lilted both feet alternately from tbe oarpet as if ho were standing on a hot plate. Beads of perspiration Btarted from his forehead, and his eyes jutted from their sockets. "Really, sir," ho repeated, and suddenly facing round gazed in horror at his four friends, who were in the same condition aB himself. Winoh, Carpus, Doubletooth, and the famous Swack wero all perspiring and marking time in an agonised way on the carpet. A look from Froghunter, and it was enough ; for, without a word, the whole lot turned tail, made for the door, and rushed out, jostling one another. Mr Gladstone, Mr Bright, and the secretaries remained alone, staring in wonder at tho reporters.

An hour later the five great men, pale, limp, and crestfallen, returned to Mr Froghuntor's lodgings, and thero Mrs Froghunter, having ecarcely any life left in her, handed to her husband this letter from tho chemißt : —

Dear Madam,— We regret to say that, owing to a mistake of our assistant, we forwarded to ypu, instead of the twelvo bottles of "Excelsior" which you had ordered, a dozen ditto of "Pulna Water," which is a strong cathartic. We trust no inconvenience lias resulted, and havo Bout tho twelve " Excelsiors " by bearer, per order.— Your obedient servants,

BOLUB AND GbIPPIE. "Inconvenience!" faintly exclaimod Mr Froghunter, as he read tbe note, "Oh, dear, dear!" whimpered poor Mrs Froghunter. "Oh, my! oh, my! what a miserable mistake ! Shall I writo and explain to— to Mr Gladstone?"