HERE AND THERE.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 3906, 23 October 1880, Page 3

HERE AND THERE.

[By Adolphtts.]

An amusing incident occurred yesterday at tho Picture Uullery, now open m Hereford street. A well-known cilizen put his hat down on tho desk, and a ticket marked " Sold," which accidentally stuck to the brim. He did not discover how ho was labelled until a friend met him, and asked who wa3 hia purchaser ar.d what was he worth.

An enterprising advertising agent in America writes to the editor of this -journal as follows: — "People in this country do not yet realize the extent of Anglo-Saxon civilbation in New Zealand and other countries where only a few years ago cold missioyiary was served up as a particular luxury on tho tables of tho Native chiefs. I must satisfy Americans that tho old era has passed away, and that you have a fiold worth cultivating."

" Friends of the working classes " tho Hall Government may justly term themselves the next time the general election comes round, and a few appropriate placards are needed for their supporters to flourish around. The latest dodge is to hire out tho prison labour to the detriment of tho hardly pushed labourer. I sincerely trust Corporations, &c, will do all they can to put a stop to this most iniquitous proceeding.

It has come to my knowledge fiat the elite of the demi-monde periodically hold dancing parties, and that amongst the invited guests may frequently be Eeen some of our most; highly respectable townsmen. It is my intention shortly to present a report describing the extiemely decollete costumes of the ladies, and announcing the names of the gentlemen.

I have been asked what a metallician is and what he is good for. Tho metallician is of the biped species. Ho is conspicuous for having a suit of clothes for every day in tho week, a long hat and an umbrella, plenty of Brummy jewellery, and an unlimited amount of brass. The ranks of this order are usually recruited from stable boys, pugilists, pedestrians, old clo' men, and riff-raff generally. As a rule they live like fighting cocks on tho plunder they gain from tho weaker portion of humanity. To concludo— they are good for nothing.

The New Zealand Government are watching with anxiety the result of tho forty-eight hours go-as-you-please contest in Melbourne. The two first men are to be engaged as constables for Christchurch. During eight hours out of the twenty-four in this City, there are ody two constables on duty, and to protect the town properly, assuming that there are 100 miles of streets, they have to cover about 63- miles an hour — not bad work for 6s a day.

James Gordon Stuart Grant has " espoused the forlorn cause of another class of men, to wit, the emaciated and spindle-shanked shopmen of Dunedin." He cays, " I throw clown the gauntlet to the avaricious muck -worms of Dunedin." Bravo, Jock ! may you live long and prosper.

I heard a good story of an irrepiossible but not highly talented amateur, who usert to think it his special businejs to treat the public to Borne of the moat lugubrious songs— comic, he uaed to call thorn — wherever he could possibly force himself on the public. The audience generally greeted his appearance with vegetables— carrots, turnips and cabbages being freely presented to him. At last a brilliant thought struck him. Tho vegetables were not offerings tendered to him on account of the talent which he displayed. His audience had not beea educated up to the pitch of recognising his ability. But the young man had bia revenge. Ho came out to sing a yokel's song — dress, din character. A carrot landed on tho stage, then another, followed by a cabbage. Tho lid came off one of his milk cans like lightning, and showers of egga— that should have been venerated on account of their age — went into that corner where the vegetables came from. He was flushed with victory, but he lias never trodden tho boards since. Here's a hint for Captain Barry.

Sir William Fox, at the Sunday School Centenary in Nelson, said that the Yankees could beat us alike for Sunday Fchoob and wooden nutmegs; but I observe that some of the North Island people are making big strides to catch up. A Wanganui " ham " sold after a tea meeting the other night was found to be a dummy made of totara, neatly greased and smoked. Shocking .'—for artificial teeth.

I don't bear any affection towards the Hall Ministry, but I'm going to nmko tliem a suggestion worth something. I tee one man in Melbourne holds £18,000 in sweeps on the Cup. _ Why should not the Government organise a gigantic sweep, the members of the Government as Committeemen, and draw it in the Cabinet. A nice little plum might fall into the hands of one of them, and after all it would bo as neat as diiving a railway through ono's property.

"Silver Pen," tho San Francisco correspondent of the Auckland Herald, is rather rough on the Wellington ladies. She suggests the formation of a Woman's Social Science Association, and says: — "If women would so bind themselves together all over tho world, with the end in view of enobling themselves and thoeo around them, how far preferable it would bo to tho proient fashion they have of visiting and backbiting their neighbours. I remember in Wellington, when I lived there, I never saw gossip and coldblooded slander carried on wholesalo by any other women in any part of tho world whero I havo been as it is there by the female population, who would even take the trouble to pay a visit to people they did not know, with the sole purpose of tellirg some unpleasant story about an uuforlunato creature, who was proilicr and more noticed than themselves. " Silver Pen " must not forget that in Wellington thero is so much temptation for ladies to backbito one another. They have such excellent ground to work on.

The Beer tax is not attended with innumerable advantages to tho brewers, judging from tho mnubpr cf forms of various kinds the authorities are sending to the different establishments, and which, of course, are duly consigned to their proper place. A friend of mine who has had what he considers his share of these, is wondering what nextmay (urn up. He expects tho size of the barrels to be prescribed " by Order in Council," and would not wonder if he were shortly to receive a sample bunghole, with instructions to have all his casks made to fit it.

For being able to make a good excuse, Mr Bowen excels liinsFclf and ;ill his compeers. After " taking it eisy " during the whole of a session, aid being noliceubly iibscn!, en divifiniiif, mill ulmo.«t. 'ulully silvnt on iihiiv of Ihe most iniportm.l debn!c;<, he very complacently informs his conttitueiits at Kniujoi

that tho elder members attempted to set the younger members of the House an example by remaining silent." No wonder the youngsters displayed their "oratorical powers" when they found themselves amongst a lot of " dead heads."

Talking of dead heads, a friend of mine who is an enthusiast in Church matters, was engaged in his office the other evening mauugraphing gome tickets for one of those religious swindles his Lordship the Primate so justly denounces — viz., a parochial entertainment—and seeing that two s&rts of tickets were being turned off the machine, I picked them up to examine them, when my friend kindly informed me that one l.md consisted of " dead heads." Had some of the lady amateurs and assistants known the very disrespectful epithet applied to them, it strikes me their assistance would have been withdrawn. Still the soubriquet is a very correct one, and applies where no other word in the English language can be so effectively used.

" Wanted applications for the office of churchwarden for the parochial district of so-and-so. Dutie3 to consist of making bricks without straw, &c, &c." Such will be the form of notice that will have to be adopted in many of our parishes if the remarks of our worthy Primate are to be strictly followed by obedience to the principles he evolves. To imagine a church umuaged successfully without the assistance of bazaars, tea fights, &0., is beyond the graap of any ordinary mortal, and is suggestive of the millenium, when it is supposed such accessories to worship will bo unnecessary. Why to expect people, bo they ever so devoutly inclined, to contribute more than the traditional threepenny bit, when none but the voluntary system is in vogue, is tie height of imagination.

Take the straight tip from Adolphus, Mr Bowen, and when y >v wish to Eoft soap your constituents by getiing some work done for which they are clamouring, tip the engineers, and- do not trouble to go such a roundabout way as to ask the Minister of Public Works. Mark my words, you may be as old as Methusalah in politics, but you lack greatly in philosophy.

Chairmen of pub'.ic meetings should, in my opinion be impartial men, and when putting a resolution should at all times sink their own individual opinions, and take the result in an impartial manner. This would be a good lesson for a respected though cadly neglected president at numerous meetings to the north of Christchurch. Above all, they should when taking a show of bauds take it both for and against, and not leave it an open question how the decision has been arrived bt.

Pay them ! Certainly they ought to be paid, young and old, rich and poor, Bhould all receive the same amount of honorarium (?) even if absent on business ,- provided there is no Foul Plat/ to look after during the session.

Wonders will never cease. Daring a case in a Northern Court of Justice it transpired that an honest contractor does exist in that neighbourhood. The evidence showed that an error in the favour of the contractor had been discovered some time after the work in which he had been engaged had been -completed and paid for, and he freely and voluntarily returned tho amount overpaid. This is believed to be the first instance of the kind on record, and the reason assigned for this unusual display of honesty, is that the said contractor had disagreed with his partner as to tho settlement for the job, in question. What a pily to spoil so grand a precedent.

she story of the "diamond cut diamond " transaction at the Northern Stock Market has received notice by jour contemporary, the Lijttelton Times, but it is especially noticeable that in connection with it there has been a more than usual quanti-y of chaff over it.

In Bpite of tho most reverend the Primate's address on the matter of church bazaars, &o , which appeared on Wednesday morning, I see that no les3 than four churches have since then issued prospectuses of proposed swindles. Why this haste F Are these people afraid of a second and more forcible edict emanating from the ecclesiastical throne, or are these to be the last kicks prior to improving under tho Bishop's principle ?

When a man complains desperately of poverty, oppression, &c, &c, it is unfortunate for him if ho is found hopelessly drunk with a roll of bank notes about him. An instance of this kind occurred recently. Again, a very loud spoken individual from tho Weka Pass, who was parading a letter he w<s going to town to publish in the Times, in which ho abused everything and everybody, muc-t needs expose a similar roll. Singularly, the editor has not yet thought fit to publish tho letter. Possiblj, the "devil" has got hold of it.